It’s About Making Babies!

From The Chambers Dictionary (2003):

Dignity: n. the state of being dignified; elevation of mind or character; gradeur of bearing or appearance; elevation in rank, place, etc.; calmness and self-control; degree of excellence; preferment; high office; a dignitary.

Beneath one’s dignity: degrading, at least in one’s own estimation.

Stand on one’s dignity: to asseume a manner that asserts a claim to be treated with respect.

Today on Baggage Reclaim, I noticed one comment that seemed to nearly miss the point of the article, “Can you stay friends with Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns after you break up?- Part One.”

I think it is really important for us women to understand that we have to be very, very selective. . . . That’s really powerful. If they don’t live up to that, they can’t have a self-respecting, quality woman. And it also makes sure, that we put our energies into that goal too: e.g. self-confidence which really draws men toward us. Well, to set the right tone what cool phrases come to mind in the sense of “dignity preservers”? . . .

[Emphasis added.]

Part of my reply:

You shouldn’t have to be very, very selective. Start with looking for a good man interested in making a home for you to share with him, and don’t let the others distract you from your goal.

Assume you will be changing to adapt to whomever you pick. And, please, do pick someone that is trainable, that responds appropriately when a need for change arises. What you need to be careful of, is that you pick someone that will only need you to change for the better: Disciplined; Honest; Respectful; Frugal; Compassionate; and Joyful.

Very, very selective

Part of what I noticed was that the quest seemed to be for an “ideal” man, instead of someone that would make a good partner.

There is no ideal companion. It would be extreme hubris to consider that oneself was ideal, for nearly anyone (or anything!). Instead, we want someone suitable, that we are willing to adapt to, to cherish in our lives, and that will accommodate our needs and joys as well. This is a much simpler search, in a way, than looking for that one particular ideal mate. Frankly, most of us haven’t been around that many people that actually are close to ideal, so we would be unlikely to recognize such a person. In addition, few of us have the native experience, background, or values to tolerate, let along treasure, an “ideal” person.

Desired characteristics: character

For my part, I think there are some constants to look for, deal breakers if they are not there. Honor, honesty, discipline (the will to complete a task). An understanding of teaching/training, an understanding of helping others grow and flourish, compassion. Trainable, the self-confidence to accept criticism and adapt, to correct mistakes and admit errors, to strive to not repeat errors, responsible in their words and actions.

The person should be interested in a home and shared life.

Not well suited to the home: daters

Daters treasure skills that focus on sexual attractiveness, winning new bed partners. These values and skills are not suited to a content and happy family life. The sex adventures and social recreation of the perpetual dater threaten the stability of a long-term relationship. Because one will be tempted, life-long, to dust off those skills, to feel that “new partner” thrill, to search out that “more exciting” encounter. Cheat, that is, after one has made promises.

The comment – and dignity preservers.

The comment above was made with regard to an unsuitable (former) companion. Which makes the entire focus of the comment an issue. Her question about “dignity preservers” – cool quips to put him in his place – seems to be about either punishing him, or humiliating him to make herself look/feel better, or simply to publicly display her ability to put him down.

If he was unsuitable, then there is nothing that he can say, that will reduce her hurt or increase her comfort or well-being. If she wants a sense of closure, for him to say, “Golly, you were right all along and I really messed up.” – she is waiting for him to give her permission to end the relationship. She still doesn’t feel it is over. And that is wrong. She should instead be taking ownership of leaving the relationship regardless of what he has to say or do. She should be directing her own life – and letting the remaining ties and bonds to him fall by the wayside. By reliving communication with him, she maintains her ties to the relationship and to him; she delays her own healing and finding a healthier way to move on.

If she is looking to punish him (for trying to renew acquaintance), she is focusing on hurting him – which harms her, delays her healing, prolongs her investment in the failed relationship, and potentially prevents her from meeting or being attractive to someone more suitable. She doesn’t have a position of authority over him that permits her to punish him – she is not his boss, nor his mommy, nor his teacher. What she might consider “corrective”, is nothing more than crass assault.

The other possibility is that she wants to maintain or build a public image, to show others (him?) that she is on her feet, capable and moving on. This is dangerous. At a time when she needs most of all to find her self worth, her own self respect – she is pandering to public consensus, looking for validation from others.

My dignity preserver

If he should encounter her, and try to renew an acquaintance – or seek a booty call – my advice: Treat yourself with respect. Remember that he has proven to be hurtful to you; he should not get the benefit of the doubt you would expect to give a stranger. He deserves respect because you owe it to yourself to be respectful; at the same time, you owe it to yourself to be wary of him.

That is, “No.” No explanation, no time of day, no nothing. “No.” Let him decide if that means, “No, I won’t talk to you.”, or “No, I don’t want you back.”, or even, “No, I won’t tell you if I am still attracted to you.” “No.” And walk away. If he pursues, that becomes harassment and assault, if not stalking. Dial 9-1-1.

NML makes a lot of sense at Baggage Reclaim. Sometime a thought she expresses gets me thinking. On her post on What is love and a good relationship?,

Loving someone requires commitment.

What is commitment?

It seems to me that commitment is something you discover, not something you plan or pledge.

I don’t think love is something you do, it is something that happens to you. “I love you” is a statement, that you are entangled in emotions and bonds with a person.

Commitment isn’t about what you intend to do, or changes you are or will make in your life. Commitment is about having already changed your life, so that what you think of your life now includes this other person.

A changed person, not a changed agenda

You aren’t monogamous or exclusive, when committed, because you choose to pass other hot babes or dudes by. You are committed because you don’t notice them as anything but distractions from life. They are just distractions from your life, the life you are living.

Yesterday when I expressed dismay over that awful 100 nails analogy, that is because that is the very image of “free” as in free of commitment. “Freedom only helps you say goodbye,” Karen Carpenter.

The commitment foible.

Asking someone to commit to a relationship is like asking someone to take a job. If they agree, you try it out. Sometimes it works out, sometimes one of you can’t get it to work. Getting a pledge or promise to be committed in the future, to be exclusive – is manipulative.

Because a pledge for the future is hopes and dreams – and maybe a compromise of integrity and honor, if you get pressured into something beyond your capacity to achieve. Or if you pressure someone into making such a pledge.

Does commitment exist?

Yep. Many times, the world over. Many good men and women live committed lives. Committed to work they find rewarding, committed to spouses and mates they are accustomed to and usually depend upon and cherish. Committed to spiritual paths and teachings, and to social and cultural philosophies, organizations, and communities.

Discovering commitment

Try it. If it works, then the commitment grows with the depth of bonds and strength of emotional ties, with the comfort and satisfaction of maintaining the relationship.

When you choose to spend time here, and pay less attention to what is over there - you are committed. And that is the point. Commitment is being engaged, mind and soul.

How fragile is commitment and love?

When the bonds are there, fairly robust. If your partner commits acts of disrespect – that hurts. That hurts you, your image of your partner, and your degree of involvement in the relationship.

Your boss might require overtime or an unusual assignment – if the story is compelling, it seldom bothers the relationship. But let the onerous intrusions become annoying, or frequent (as if you are taking up the slack, instead of the boss doing her/his job), and things get more fragile. You may expend more effort to avoid the intrusions, or even start considering a transfer or change in employer.

The committed focus

Dean Martin recorded a cute song, “Watching all the girls go bye.” There is a line, something about “there is no law against looking”. But looking, evaluating people on their sexual characteristics or imagined sexual responses – isn’t the sign of someone in a meaningful relationship. For one thing – picking out a sex partner without knowing the person is a short-term thing. Like kissing frogs, one might possibly turn into someone that would turn their lives around for them. No, I wouldn’t bet on it, and yes, I do think this is co-dependence waiting to happen, and a dare to the universe rather than interest in a home and mate.

Checking.

So, he asks, “Are you committed to this relationship?” and she pauses, “Damn, this really feels like home.” It just doesn’t get any better.