It’s About Making Babies!

NML writes about the terms and conditions of a relationship. That even if you get through the fine print at the start and don’t find any red flags, be aware that your partner’s agenda might change – and if you stay, you will be “accepting” the changes. She focuses on reading the signs and what they mean, and writes well and convincingly.

I think a long term relationship is bigger than a personal choice.

If you meet someone, and get closer because of feelings, this has the makings of a decent, to great, episode of social recreation.

If you want something more, a shared life, a life partner – a mate, then you are looking at building a couple. And couples interact with their community. You will each, as a couple, be making choices and efforts outside the coupledom, because of being part of the couple – at work, shopping, at play, with friends, with family. You need to be sure that your prospect shows good character with you and with others.

Selecting a mate has to take more into account. For one thing, you don’t just have to trust and respect him when he is with you – you have to be sure that he is competent, respectful – trustworthy, trusted, and respected – with those you know and those you meet.

One really big red flag is how he treats you with his friends and family – are you a visitor or a cherished guest? Are there indications he often has “dates” tagging along (! Might be a Perpetual Dater!), or does he have no friends or contact with family (! Might be *unable* to connect emotionally!) or pets? Is he proud of you, like a trophy of some kind (!), is he possessive that you don’t talk or contact anyone (! Isolation issue!), or is he genuinely making you and his relationship to you a part of his private and social life?

Do your friends find him substantial as a member of the community, does he have a life (do you?) socially and personally, outside the dating scene?

How he behaves with others doesn’t matter much between the sheets (or it gets really kinky really quick). But if you want someone for the long haul, then you need to know where you stand with friends, family, and community – few people can sham and manipulate everyone, everywhere, and still seem genuine. That is the place, socially and within the community, to look for more red flags. Do you matter to him only skin to skin, or out in public, too?

NML discusses Compatability, Your ‘Type’, and ‘Common’ Interests for those that find themselves in a series of bad relationships, at Baggage Reclaim. These dating buzzwords seldom accomplish much, and for those that cycle through bad relationships, they cause harm.

I think one of the big reasons for the failures is that we learn what a mate is, who we should marry, while we are young. What we learn early stays with us longest. Or, we wait the longest to examine and challenge.

Early images

It is a common joke about psychotherapy, at least in the movies and on TV, that one goes in, “I have problems and it isn’t about my mother, so don’t waste time talking about that!” The next scene gets into perceptions and values learned at the parents’ knees. Gunshy, Sandra Bullock, Liam Neeson, is one example.

Churches want kids in Sunday School before they read and write – the stories and doctrine they receive will affect the rest of their lives.

In school we learn from friends, from watching our parents together and acting as parents, and watching other parents and adults that we come in contact with. We follow popular media, whether magazine, TV, movie, FaceBook, etc.

And we visualize what “type” of person will fill that niche in our lives that many of us believe is reserved for a mate and partner, someone to share lives with.

Defining the type of our ideal mate

As we encounter people socially outside formal bounds, other than in school, or in the home, or outside the local community, we select bits of what makes sense, bits of what we admire in media portraits and people we respect or admire, and decide this is our “type”, the characteristics of the person that will be the one. This is how we will recognize the person that is our soul mate, our destiny.

As the type matures

Except it doesn’t. We live, we date or meet people that fit our dream image of the person that will fill our lives with love – and if it doesn’t work you, we throw up our hands and shout, “You aren’t my type, after all!”

When the reality is that there is a type for each of us. After 50 years of happy marriage, most of us will be able to describe the type of our ideal mate.

Uh, that is, for those few of us that find someone suitable, that learn to live a shared life with the person we make the attempt with, and that find our efforts and gifts rewarded with a rich and satisfying life.

Seeing the forest, the trees – and learning to nurture each.

If we look at our stereotypes, the type and ideals and fantasies from our childhood, we can understand that it wasn’t the brown hair color, or the athletic build, or the gleaming green eyes that made our mother happy, or our father satisfied. If we look it wasn’t the astoundingly rich voice, the erudite diction that made the pastor so easily understood, or the doctor so understanding. It wasn’t the cologne, or hair style, or physical condition.

The misogynist version

The formula I heard that takes some looking at to get past the appearance (it appears to bash women), actually makes a lot of sense. “The purpose of dating is to have fun, guys. If she isn’t making it fun for you, your responsibility is to thank her, and find someone else.” That is, until there are promises made, or other obligations (such as wedding vows, children, contracts, etc.)

It is easy to overlook, in something stated that way, the fact that while she is responsible for making it fun for him – she has the responsibility for thanking him, and finding someone else if she doesn’t enjoy making him happy.

This is not about sexual acts or “favors”. Although, anyone raised on TV and movies, and beer commercials, likely has very little understanding about interacting with someone aside from sex, seeing a movie, or eating at a restaurant. There used to be lots more activities taking place under the watchful eye of a careful (and intrusive!) neighborhood and community. In season there is hiking, horseback riding, bicycling, circus and rodeo, and county fairs. Just consider the social implication, the first time you sit with her family in church. School activities, etc.

If you think this takes the “casual” out of casual sex – yup. Forming a couple is a community affair, an exercise in selecting the cultural values and traditions for your home, of establishing your role, as a couple, in the culture and society of your community.

Types wear out

As we grow older, we should expect to interact and take responsibility within our community. And that gives us a very good base for evaluating partner-prospects. Will this person interact similarly in our community? Are our values similar?

In short, we should define the type we look for in new terms. Instead of the symbols for virtue and respect we used in our teens, we should be looking for more fundamental values – respect, a joyful nature, honesty, discipline (the will to complete a task), good emotional bonds, honor. Their traditions of faith and culture should be understandable – they will be merging with your own, and you will want that merging to be peaceful and rewarding.

The good ones are gone

One lady commented on Baggage Reclaim that most of the good guys are married by age 50 (or 40, or 30!). That is true. I expect that the guys that stay active dating in their twenties and later are mostly the predators, the perpetual daters, those uninterested in settling down or forming a real relationship. The older the age of the bedmate seekers, the more likely that their competition, the honest and good people, have either found someone to share their lives, or have dropped from the seeking.

My recommendation

Start with someone with a cultural background similar to your childhood.

Run away from anyone with obvious red flag warning signs: Dishonest; Lack of discipline or temper control; Creepy demeanor; disrespect for himself or others – for anyone; Unresolved entanglements – a divorce or separation less than four years ago, a current lover or mate, running from legal problems, chemical or alcohol addiction, use, or abuse. Some of us add tobacco use to the list. Run away from anyone slick at getting intimate, from anyone that chases skirts, that makes winning bed partners a life style. Secrets and lies are problems, too.

And then look for that elusive trait, “trainable“. Trainable – when you/he sees a need to change or adapt, makes a change or adapts. This is a little sticky, because a need to change may be astoundingly clear to you – pick up dirty clothes off the floor, put the toilet lid down – might not be sensible or worth the attention to him. Where you don’t understand him wasting a weekend with TV sports when there are rooms that need painted, he likely doesn’t see the rooms – they won’t rot away, after all – as being more worthy of his time than the games he has invested hours in, privately or spent talking with friends. These are not deal breakers.

Trainable has to apply, though, about caring for your mate. If you walk into the house and feel sad – he should be noticing. If he walks in and expresses unwarranted anger – that has to change, and right now. Trainable is about what he sees, then what he does about it. Just like you pick and choose the things that you will do – like cooking liver and onions if he likes them, but not asparagus – both of you will see, and decide on your own, about what to adapt to and what to continue with.

Don’t nag. You have no right, no responsibility, to “make him see” anything that needs changing. If he isn’t interested in what makes you happy or sad – that is detached, just the opposite of good emotional bonds. Nagging is an act of gross disrespect – you state, right out loud in front of God and everybody that you are responsible and he is not. Not only are you wrong about being responsible in showing disrespect, he won’t have the opportunity to be honorable – and in throwing away his respect, eventually you will throw away his affection and loyalty as well.

Rough edges

Don’t look for rough edges, for inept behavior, or for coarse speech. But don’t rule them out, if the person is trainable.

If he seems to be a rough match, that means he finds you to be a rough match, too. Trainable is a matter of honor, and must be answered with respect and honor.

And, just as our type has to mature as we do, we need to be ready to adapt, within the bounds of respect and honor, to a good person that we consider taking to our hearts.