It’s About Making Babies!

NML writes about Getting Your Wake Up Call: Relationship Epiphanies.

NML relates how a sequence of epiphany moments build up to an epiphany relationship.

Reading her premise, I was struck by what I suspect is the underlying philosophy.

Change is measured in pain. Real change is always traumatic, by definition. The Tarot describes change as a little death, a clearing away of the life, the beliefs, the values and the priorities from before the change. After the change lies a new perspective on life and opportunities, and a changed understanding of truth and reality.

What NML considers an epiphany moment might also be considered a false truth being recognized for being false. When we think that being aware of our partner’s wants and needs, and quietly going about meeting them, we might overlook how slighting ourselves taints the relationship. So while we strive to be accommodating – we set ourselves, and our partner, up for rebellion.

But what if we realize at some point, that our efforts are wasted? That the more we try to accommodate, the unhappier our partner, and our relationship gets? It is possible, but unlikely, we would realize the underlying misconception – that we need to take care of ourselves and our partner.

I might call this conservation of change. That is, when confronted with a disconnect between reality and our world view, we tend to apply the least amount of change and update to our world view.

In a relationship this leads to a reluctance to leave. With a good, healthy, and appropriate (for us) partner, this is good. It gives a relationship a chance to weather adversity and turmoil. With a dysfunctional partner – abusive, disrespectful, or emotionally unavailable (or combination) – it keeps the abused partner around long after the relationship becomes an active source of hurt and injury.

Firesign Theater did a skit years ago about “Everything you know is wrong.” This is absurd. We know, for instance, that water is wet, that mom’s spit cleans faces, and that caring for a pet lengthens lives. Except, there are times when even that has to be qualified. Water freezes. A pet cougar or lion, or alligator will grow and might not lengthen one’s life at all, at all. (MomSpit No-Rinse Cleanser for Hands and Face 2oz Lemon and White Tea by “MomSpit, Inspired by the Original”, though, sells on Amazon.com.)

We are reluctant to look beyond the first “fact” that contributes to things gone awry. We “fix” it and go on. We experience our epiphany, we say, “Wow, that was something I thought was true, but isn’t.” We discover a new truth for us, and consider the problem fixed.

In science class I learned about a “scientific method” that was fundamental to the creation of modern science. In the US Navy, we were taught a “six step troubleshooting method” that embodied the same six steps. Google lists many different versions for “six step troubleshooting”. One is a PDF file, that lists the six steps as: Verify the complaint; Determine the related symptoms; Analyze the symptoms; Isolate the trouble; Fix the problem; and lastly Verify proper operation. Yes, this happens to be an AutoShop101.com procedure to deal with electrical problems. Of all the various versions of the “six step” or scientific method, the first starts with verifying the problem or complaint can still be observed, the next three understand the symptoms and identify where the problem lies, the fifth is to make a fix, and the six is always to go back and check to see if all of the problem has actually been corrected.

Considering the fifth and sixth steps part of “problem solving” has been an important philosophical change in many technical areas. Where I can hear my tractor motor run rough, and reach down and adjust the carburetor, I might be jumping to a conclusion about what is amiss. But I will adjust, and if that doesn’t fix the issue – I know I am not done, yet.

We can do that with or daily lives, too. We can consider “fixing” a problem the next-to-last step, instead of the finishing touch.

We can try out the “fix”, to see if it really did correct all of the problem. If not, we can go back, adjust our analysis, and try again to “isolate the problem” (that is, figure out what is broken).

Conservation of change is a powerful force in people’s lives. We correct, we question, the little things first. We change the stuff that is least embarrassing, the least noticeable by others, first. We fear letting others see our mistake, we fear looking foolish – and we have difficulty dealing with the fact that the love we learned at home, the role models we take for truth – are flawed.

So our journey from pain to truth comes in steps. We wait for new people and situations to teach us the rest of the lesson we skip over when we can. Until, finally, we have whittled away all the false starts, and distracting sidelights of the problem, and discover a significant issue. The small issue “epiphany moments” have cleared the detritus, so we find ourselves facing a new path, a different perspective, a changed understanding of love and relationship. And we find there is no gentle or quiet way to accommodate such a change in reality, with our current partner. Because such a moment shows us that we picked an unsuitable partner. That we want a fundamentally different kind of relationship, with different role for ourselves and our partner. That is, I think, what NML calls an “epiphany relationship.”

Part of the delay, of the succession of epiphany moments before we make a life change, is a learning process. We test, we check, we confront what we think is broken, and evaluate various fixes. It takes continued persistence of the problem to elevate what we consider to be “the problem”, to something with far-reaching effects.

Part of the delay, the stepwise approach to real change, is a need to believe what we have been taught. We are reluctant to face the large disconnects between what we need, and what we have been led to ask for.

There is an aspect of honor for those we learned from. How can we respect and honor Dad, and believe that his passive-aggressive behavior is bad for a relationship? How can we respect and admire Mom, and recognize that her gossip and disrespectful ways are abusive?

So we are brought, by life or the love of good people, to a better understanding of wider truths. Change is measured in pain; it isn’t a pretty or a happy journey.

Blessed be.

So, there I was, browsing away on Baggage Reclaim, following a few friends as they grind their way through tears and pain away from harmful relationships, and this guy chimes in about how his partner had been unavailable, cheating, treating him as a ‘fallback’ guy – a treat during breaks in the partner’s regular sex life.

Then, later that day,

I have doing a lot of reflecting of myself and I’m now on a good path of just loving myself. I look at myself and realize that I’m a damn good catch.

What a perceptive guy. In a few hours’ time he has recognized the problems in his life, come to terms with them, and moved on. He realizes he is a great catch.

Me? I don’t believe there is any such thing as a ‘great catch’, someone that would be a wonderful partner for anybody at all. A ‘great catch for the right person’, now, that is something I do believe in.

To be a great catch, you have to *enjoy* meeting the needs of your partner, you have to *know* your needs are being met, you are content with the results, and you *know* your partner is responsible and honorable. You have to know that your life is secure, dependable, disciplined, and that you are a better person, with a better life, because you share with *this* partner. That makes for a *lot* of caveats. A lot of small print.

Someone that would be a ‘great catch’ for anybody? A whore can pretend for about any hookup for a few hours.

As for the guy over at Baggage Reclaim? It sounds to me like denial. Whistling in the dark. Redefining his story so he doesn’t look injured – as if there were no issues in his life that drew the attention of someone uninterested in a long term relationship, and that he doesn’t have any issues because he suffered an unfulfilling relationship for more than a year.

When you come from a bad relationship, there are a couple of things that are pretty standard. One is that you hurt – it is the hurt and anger, usually, that finally drives you away from a situation where you were harmed most days, belittled, and disrespected. A lot of the hurt and anger are about issues in your own perspective and attitudes and values. You express the fear of facing your problems as anger at the situations and people that cause you to notice your issues.

And, generally, after a bad relationship your course is either to repeat the bad relationship, by picking someone like the last one (and, insanely, hoping for better results) or by changing.

Three is a joke, about the three most powerful words in the English language, “You’re cut off.” Perhaps the most terrifying word might be ‘change’. Change can be measured in pain. People are addictive by nature. Work ethics, dependable behavior, success, drug addiction, these are all based on continuing a learned pattern of behavior. Change means changing that pattern. And that is tough. A significant change (more, say, that changing from Ocean brand saline nasal mist to Wal-Mart’s Equate brand) can be considered a ‘little death’. When you truly change, you clear away part of the previous life, to make way for the new. You have to end previous patterns of behavior, previous choices and habits. That is painful. It is also scary – because beginning the new patterns and choices is a leap in the dark. You don’t know if what you change to is better, or survivable, until you end what you were doing, and begin the new. The new seldom feels good. It takes time for the new choices, the new behavior to become habit, to become familiar, to become reflex.

There is pain in making change, fear of the consequences of losing the old, familiar values and habits, and dismay at how the new way feels unfamiliar.

No, making changes is not quick, and making change isn’t easy, and it takes time to settle into place as a part of life.

And a guy coming out of a bad relationship isn’t ready to look at himself and declare, unilaterally and without a specific partner in mind, that he is a ‘great catch’.