It’s About Making Babies!

Kira at 20-forty.com discusses Pornography and Relationships.

A tool.

A hammer is a tool. You can use one hammer to shape metal, another to pound nails to construct buildings or make a fence. The Beatle’s song “Maxwell’s Hammer” covers a macabre use for a hammer. You can use a hammer to separate parts stuck together to make a repair, or to demolish something. Like all tools, the hammer is used best when you choose the right hammer for the task, and develop the skill to know when and how to use it.

Porn – a broad topic.

Porn can be something like that. In many ways the term “pornography” or “porn” is about as specific a term as “hammer” or maybe even “tool”. Because there are a lot of different topics lumped in the category of erotic, sexually stimulating, material. Porn includes books, magazines, pictures, videos, home movies and production Hollywood epics (Remember “Linda Lovelace for President”? Hilarious, with Huck Phlegm and the gang.) With care, you can find individuals, couples, and groups enjoying sex – having fun. There are variations that focus on about any interest a provider thinks might interest *someone*.

An education.

For those new to erotic feelings and intimate relationships, pornography can inform, help to ease the transition from discovery to confident partner. See how some acts are done, reassure that some experiences might be more enjoyable than they sound, at first.

Some porn is hollywood production stuff, with idealized ‘super model’ type players and acrobats and clowns doing the performing. Yet many also show “successful” interactions between average type .. people. And this can be reassuring, to know that you don’t have to hold out for a Loni Anderson or a Burt Reynolds to enjoy sex.

OK, so Burt and Loni images are old. Look at their early movies. I mean “hold out for hot partners”, not “wait until you can’t tell see the dimples for the wrinkles.” Sheesh.

Stimulating.

And here we come to the assumption about porn. That the reason to pursue porn is for sexual gratification. And that is pretty much accurate, I guess.

But gratification varies from person to person. Some find porn therapeutic, a safe way to work through trauma or difficulties. Others use porn between partners, or as a hobby. Or a lifestyle.

Sharing vicarious stimulation (porn) isn’t all that new. There have been strip clubs, “Party” records and tapes, stag films – all make sexual stimulation a public event. Sharing as a couple is fairly new, culturally, in the United States. As women have expressed more interest in porn the amount of female-centric and couples-oriented material is more available.

Alternate Universe.

Some find porn to contain niches that focus on particular concepts, or acts, or body types. Pain, and thrills – danger.

All porn, by it’s label, violates accepted cultural taboos in the United States. Yes, sex is natural. It doesn’t necessarily follow that taking pictures of sex is natural. There are very few art exhibits or books written about human dung (poo), for one instance. We have taboos about rape, and tying people up. About sex outside marriage, or with “unacceptable” partners. And these all become niches of porn. Look at the headlines – despite world wide “crackdowns” by various law enforcement agencies, even Kiddie Porn still exists today, for those interested in creating or view such material.

There is “soft” porn – mostly about people frolicking in various (mostly accepted, plain vanilla) sexual acts. This violates taboos of watching others, engaging in sex to be watched, mixing up partners without emotional bonds or marriage.

There are “hard” porn and niches that often appeal only to those specifically drawn to that variation. And there are ‘variety’ venues that cross lines. Pick from commercial productions to home efforts. Magazines publish “letters” and “articles’ in widely varying categories from Unexpected Encounters to Voyeurism to Forbidden Fruit to groups.

Too much.

The joke goes: How much sex is too much? Answer: More than I am getting. (Response applies to everyone.) This could be asked of too much drinking, or too much smoking, or too much reading, or too much porn.

The psychologist in the CBS video clip that Kira includes in her post makes about the only reasonable definition for any addiction problem: When it begins to affect your family and/or work.

Humans are thrill seekers. We are hard-wired to repeat actions. There is little to discern between a “good work ethic” and a habit, or even an addiction. The major difference is degree of focus – how much pain and effort is required to change the behavior.

How much porn is too much? When is the attention given to viewing porn, or pursuit of finding porn, destructive? The time, effort, and resources we have available to devote to any activity is limited. What we devote to porn comes from something else. If, over time, we develop a great deal of skill at using or finding porn – that is time not spent building relationships with family and friends, with developing useful work or survival skills, or maintaining our responsibilities to self, family, and community.

One among many.

In that sense, of limited time to maintain and develop skills and responsibilities, porn competes with cell phone usage, texting, IM, emails, TV, blogs, YouTube (Will it blend? Numma Numa, etc.) and other electronic media to divert us from rich human experiences, well nurtured families, and strong communities.

Choose wisely.

LisaQ at 20-Forty.com intends to “Put the ‘O’ back in Romance“.

We are now Pure Romance consultants here to serve all of your sexual needs! Well, okay maybe not all of them!

Except – when you read about the modern invention, courtly love or romance, you find it has nothing to do with procreation, with sex, or with orgasms. Romance is about social position, about manipulating people to want what you want. Marketing and entrapment and humiliation and abuse have all been integral parts of the history of romance.

Casanova – sexual predator or romantic? Any emotional attachment his “encounter” partners formed were doomed to quickly expire.

Victoria’s Secret cares no more about how faithful, how honest, how comforting your guy is than Playboy or Playgirl or Hustler.

Sex adventures benefit from adult toys and role playing and sometimes even help couples overcome problems or achieve a better understanding of each other. Competitions for the “biggest ‘O’” or the biggest breast or longest legs or whatever are not about love, and not about relationships, are not about affection. They are sex adventures. And sex adventures, like video games or gossip or any other activity that becomes an obsession or addiction, can risk health, well being, and relationships as they become self-fulfilling niches in people’s lives.

Romance is often tied to affection and relationships. Also sex. But the extravagances of romance don’t replace actual emotional attachment, and aren’t needed if the attachment is there. Likewise sex. Many relationships flourish without engaging in sexual congress. The presence of sex, or the quality or frequency, don’t improve most relationship -

- unless the relationship is formed to make a family. A family forms for procreation and to provide a home for the family members. Even without children or the expectation of children, society expects a family to be an essentially sexual relationship with expectations of affection. Americans come from a wide diversity of cultures and backgrounds, so the rituals and expectations of family vary according to circumstance and backgrounds. Romance is *not* necessary in the family, and, like picking a partner skilled in winning new bed partners, may increase risk to the relationship. Love and affection enrich a family, if they are visible or present all too seldomly.

Sex in a relationship is wonderful – when you see it as intimacy, a chance to please and comfort your partner, and to revel in your partner’s skills and attention. Too much focus on romance for the sake of romance, or on sex for the sake of having great sex or more sex – leaves out the partner, and you risk losing respect, communication, trust, and affection.

There is no big “O” in romance. Any value in either is whether they bring you closer to your partner, and there are safer and more effective ways to accomplish that.

Enjoy!