It’s About Making Babies!

Tam at View From the Porch laments why several people in a few minutes time, each searched for ‘Porch Girl’ and following to her post from December, “Girls Gone Vile“.

First, why the search? I would hope that Tam’s popularity has outgrown the bounds of reasonableness, and so many people are just interested in her views. Maybe. Why they think ‘Girls Gone Vile’ is Tam’s hallmark post .. ugh. I don’t want to know. But the title is provocative. Much better than something like, “Why would a maroon take pictures of his girlfriend puking, while she is worried about why he isn’t helping her stay neat?” Which is kind of my take on what Tam’s post was about.

As for why kids are posting pictures instead of helping each other..

I think the answer is ignorant parents. Parents that don’t cover the basics of etiquette - respect, courtesy, honor and defense of reputation - can’t teach their kids how to handle partying, relationships, or other social interactions.

It takes good role models (watching Mom and Dad sit in front of the TV doesn’t explain social drinking courtesy) or oft-repeated experience to extrapolate ‘Bless You!’ for a sneeze, to helping hold your hair while you ‘yell at your shoes’ (I like that one!).

It could be that girls still get more experience with handling babies - and cleaning up after someone spews. In college guys are often still uber-squeamish about bodily fluids and such.

My generation (that is about ‘grandparent’s for many today) grew up with the notion that a girl had to protect her ‘reputation’. If she engaged in sex before marriage, she had a ‘reputation’. Many guys would happily sleep with a ‘loose’ girl, but never marry a woman without her reputation intact, virgin as far as social reputation goes. Even more families objected and blocked marriages because of reputations for being ‘loose’, as in ‘loose morals’, promiscuous, or just gossip that one is promiscuous or ’sexy’.

Really.

It will take the current ‘on video’ generation several more years to understand that ‘reputation’ is still a factor in society today. While today’s young people are tattooing their hearts, sexual behavior, and cartoons on their bodies, in years to come they will find that some doors just won’t open for them. Not all of today’s rocket scientists, doctors, nurses, or figures of authority started their adult lives thinking of public positions. Many of today’s future leaders, caretakers, parents, and teachers will find that the path destiny has laid on for them - is now closed. That is a sadness to many of us older folk.

College is a time and place where kids act out in the absence of parental authority. This is a time to make mistakes and choose which values are most meaningful in one’s life. This is part and parcel of the flooding of information, and history, and ways or thinking that colleges inundate students with. Many students come to similar conclusions, occasionally a genius or obstinate one or skilled thinker will put together very creative answers to important problems. And the experience both degrades family values in the nation, with the forced separation of years from the family home, and also frees young people to make a new life unbound by the limitations of older generations.

Learning to drink and screw are the two symbols of rebellion and freedom most kids share as they approach college - and many parents fear.

What is troublesome about the ’snap a pic and share it on the internet’ is that many kids lack compassion. They still play the grade school taunting games, and think nothing of the harm they do to each other in front of adults and the public. They think of taking a revealing or embarrassing picture, posting it, and the next day tell the victim, “Got you!”

Only, the picture hangs out there. Peers goggle at it. The picture, and reputation, hang about for a long time, it gets to family, it gets to future friends. A picture of a girl spewing might be amusing, in a drunken sot way, for a moment, until one or the other sobers up. But it is gossip - nothing good can come of it. It isn’t kindly meant, reflects a meanness and abusive attitude on the photographer. “Oh, I want to date Janet, she caught a great pic of her last date tossing his cookies for distance!” Not. And the friends and family that view this photo-gossip suffer from being part of the should-have-been forgiven and forgotten moment. Lots of victims, and the likelihood of anyone benefiting is slim.

We are not Allan Funt (Candid Camera tv show). America’s funniest home videos, reality shows - real and contrived embarrassing moments are humor - using pain for recreation. We can choose to share joy, or share humor (pain).

I don’t like video or photographic gossip any more than verbal gossip. Nothing good can come of it. That is, no healing, no character growth, no increase in joy, no enrichment of lives (well, maybe for predators).

@annied, comments at Baggage Reclaim, and is upset about a truism that I related. This occurred on a post about Ami, who left a guy that wasn’t good for her, then backslid one night - and was upset he just walked away. Annied’s comment was “annied on June 28th, 2008 5:09 pm”.

I paid good money for the seminar that made this statement, that sex for men is stroking their ego, for women it is building bridges.

The comment that shook AnnieD was

Sex builds bridges for women, builds bonds and ties and binds lives together. Men are different under the covers, wishing won’t change that

This refers to the immediate effect, early in the relationship. Long term, I think it works out about the same for men and for women. The relationship, including the intimacy, will either satisfy or disappoint one, causing one to either stay or leave.

I don’t think it could be any other way. Our society still pays lip service to virginity and chastity. So a guy that gets to share sheets with a woman receives a gift - a gift of intimacy, a gift of a shared orgasm. Or, looked at another way - a purchased event. You have to entertain for three dates before you might ‘get lucky’ - so getting lucky must be the payoff for a social transaction. He paid good ’social’ coin for this orgasm. If it was really good, then he made a wise investment, and he will be proud of his transaction.

We advertise booze and gambling and cosmetics and fragrances and clothes by their ability to bring on ‘getting lucky’. These are all purchased things.

Sharing dinner, movies, cultural events, these are all on the list of dating activities that, if successful, ‘buy’ your way closer to a shared orgasm.

It isn’t that way for everyone. Arranged marriages avoid it. Most couples that ‘wait’ until the marriage ceremony avoid it. Anyone *could* avoid it, I believe, if they pick their partner by their character, their ability to function as a mate and co-parent, and by their intent to form a family. Then, for man and woman, the sex is a fundamental part of the family - not a pre-qualifier for a relationship.

Without the family focus, the guy knows he is there on suffrance. She needs to be kept happy, in bed and out, essentially, if he wants a return invitation. A guy climbs into bed with a date on trial. He is focused on the act, on his reactions, and what the event (and transactions leading to *the deed*) mean to him. Sex strokes his ego if it works great, disappoints otherwise. If he liked the gift, he will work on the next invitation.

When both partners *live* in the same bed, the sex is about sharing, about daily issues. When one is *visiting*, the time for the visitor is spent in enjoyment.

Some people never get past visiting. Emotionally unavailable, immature, low self esteem, deceitful or other character flaws - or just unsuitable for this companion. They never develop the skills, the aptitudes, and the character to be a co-parent and mate. Most of the problems will surface early on. And professional daters never notice the difference, to them there is only casual sex.

I recommend annied avoid visitors, and her love will take care of itself.