Of course. What I meant to get at, was the ethics and honor. Do the ethics, the honor, the discipline all hold true when in public as well as in private?

It is tempting to think that someone that is *well received* is a *good* person. Our President Obama was well received when he won the election, and when he entered office – that is, unless you feel strongly about owning guns being a citizen’s responsibility for the safety and security of the community, the nation, and the home. Or unless you work in one of the industries that his Labor Union backers want more representation in. Or unless . . . This narcissist put on a great show for a lot of people – but earned precious little respect for what he had done, or from an awful lot of people.

I understand that we want to feel proud to introduce our partner to friends and family, that they be instantly well received. But I think mere being well received is a ploy, a skill, likely related to a life skill in winning bed partners, though not every “pleasant” person has chosen bedroom merry go round as a life’s goal.

I tend to distrust those with such charisma that it makes their character difficult to see.

As far as being well received, and feeling proud to introduce your great “Catch” – if you are looking for more than respect for you or your catch, then shame on you. With respect, at least we have someone worth getting to know. With a glam front – we know that, as Judge Judy put it in her book, “Beauty is skin deep, but dumb is forever.”

Thanks!

So with that realisation, and another chance (i think) with this particular person, I’m taking a different approach to the relationship. Where I used to blame other people for my feelings, I can now take responsibility for the way I feel because I have allowed myself to feel that way. I choose my reactions carefully these days, act with patience and try to listen more than I speak. No longer do I seek perfection, but accept that there are differences and together, we build on strenghts and compensate for weaknesses in the relationship and ourselves.

Thanks for reinforcing this.

I think it is a tossup, of being distracted by hormones, rebelling and acting out anti-social behavior, abusing the partner, and being completely unaware of respect or honor, with respect to their partner, their home, or bystanders.

By keeping alive all that anger, you keep yourself tied to a life with him in it, even if he is no longer around. You spend energy, fruitlessly, being attached to the guy. And you grow even more used to living with anger and hurt in your life.

All the turmoil and focus on him and the past, will continue to keep good, well adjusted men away from you.

Peace – a choice or three away.

Love cannot die without loss of respect, loss of trust, and/or failures of character.

What I see a lot of, is people marrying a “type” – and being disillusioned at the person that breathes and grows underneath the makeup and dating wardrobe and top shelf perfume. Women that use long hair, back in the old days, to catch a guy’s eye with thoughts of romantic tanglings, and then get the hair cut after the wedding, without even mentioning the change to their new husband, are/were often surprised. Surprised because the change that to them was solely their own rather modest and ordinary kind of choice – disturbed his definition of who he married. Lack of communication that to her was due to the choice being hers, was to him a lack of respect.

Yes, love can die, through inattention, through mistakes and ill-considered liberties with character, honor, and respect. But it hopefully takes a sustained animosity to prevent repairing the damage.

This post was based on a Baggage Reclaim article. The presumption is similar to that at Baggage Reclaim – that people ill-prepared for a healthy relationship get embroiled in unhealthy relationships, repeatedly, until one decides to break out of the cycle. The first step is achieving a healthy character and self esteem, the next is selecting a healthy partner-prospect. And that is why the article doesn’t deal with how and why a relationship falls apart when it starts well. That wasn’t in the topic for this day.

Did you know that Oklahoma has a system of Forever For Real workshops, for married-to-be couples? Completing the workshop earns a discount on the marriage license. Dealing with topics on how to keep a couple together is, even more that sex education, something that healthy people should be learning at home, from living with and watching Mom and Dad and the grandparents. Yet statistics show that many don’t have the needed skills, or even an understanding of what to do when you or your partner feel unhappy.

Those with strong devotion to their faith, if shared (one aspect of a couple interacting with their community as a unit), have strongly stated expectations about how they are responsible to each other.

Others that chose a partner because of their appearance, their social standing, their wealth or a cloud of lust, have little to guide them – certainly not a trust and belief in their partner’s character and basic worth as a partner and individual. I find that immensely sad.

So I recommend finding stable, dependable people of character to associate with, and to avoid the high-risk perpetual daters. Then if someone catches your eye, you have but to reaffirm the character, lack of red flags, and your own interest in his happiness – and you have a solid basis to build a relationship. Those that look instead for the sex adventures often end up with little else.