It’s About Making Babies!

Tam at View From the Porch laments why several people in a few minutes time, each searched for ‘Porch Girl’ and following to her post from December, “Girls Gone Vile“.

First, why the search? I would hope that Tam’s popularity has outgrown the bounds of reasonableness, and so many people are just interested in her views. Maybe. Why they think ‘Girls Gone Vile’ is Tam’s hallmark post .. ugh. I don’t want to know. But the title is provocative. Much better than something like, “Why would a maroon take pictures of his girlfriend puking, while she is worried about why he isn’t helping her stay neat?” Which is kind of my take on what Tam’s post was about.

As for why kids are posting pictures instead of helping each other..

I think the answer is ignorant parents. Parents that don’t cover the basics of etiquette - respect, courtesy, honor and defense of reputation - can’t teach their kids how to handle partying, relationships, or other social interactions.

It takes good role models (watching Mom and Dad sit in front of the TV doesn’t explain social drinking courtesy) or oft-repeated experience to extrapolate ‘Bless You!’ for a sneeze, to helping hold your hair while you ‘yell at your shoes’ (I like that one!).

It could be that girls still get more experience with handling babies - and cleaning up after someone spews. In college guys are often still uber-squeamish about bodily fluids and such.

My generation (that is about ‘grandparent’s for many today) grew up with the notion that a girl had to protect her ‘reputation’. If she engaged in sex before marriage, she had a ‘reputation’. Many guys would happily sleep with a ‘loose’ girl, but never marry a woman without her reputation intact, virgin as far as social reputation goes. Even more families objected and blocked marriages because of reputations for being ‘loose’, as in ‘loose morals’, promiscuous, or just gossip that one is promiscuous or ’sexy’.

Really.

It will take the current ‘on video’ generation several more years to understand that ‘reputation’ is still a factor in society today. While today’s young people are tattooing their hearts, sexual behavior, and cartoons on their bodies, in years to come they will find that some doors just won’t open for them. Not all of today’s rocket scientists, doctors, nurses, or figures of authority started their adult lives thinking of public positions. Many of today’s future leaders, caretakers, parents, and teachers will find that the path destiny has laid on for them - is now closed. That is a sadness to many of us older folk.

College is a time and place where kids act out in the absence of parental authority. This is a time to make mistakes and choose which values are most meaningful in one’s life. This is part and parcel of the flooding of information, and history, and ways or thinking that colleges inundate students with. Many students come to similar conclusions, occasionally a genius or obstinate one or skilled thinker will put together very creative answers to important problems. And the experience both degrades family values in the nation, with the forced separation of years from the family home, and also frees young people to make a new life unbound by the limitations of older generations.

Learning to drink and screw are the two symbols of rebellion and freedom most kids share as they approach college - and many parents fear.

What is troublesome about the ’snap a pic and share it on the internet’ is that many kids lack compassion. They still play the grade school taunting games, and think nothing of the harm they do to each other in front of adults and the public. They think of taking a revealing or embarrassing picture, posting it, and the next day tell the victim, “Got you!”

Only, the picture hangs out there. Peers goggle at it. The picture, and reputation, hang about for a long time, it gets to family, it gets to future friends. A picture of a girl spewing might be amusing, in a drunken sot way, for a moment, until one or the other sobers up. But it is gossip - nothing good can come of it. It isn’t kindly meant, reflects a meanness and abusive attitude on the photographer. “Oh, I want to date Janet, she caught a great pic of her last date tossing his cookies for distance!” Not. And the friends and family that view this photo-gossip suffer from being part of the should-have-been forgiven and forgotten moment. Lots of victims, and the likelihood of anyone benefiting is slim.

We are not Allan Funt (Candid Camera tv show). America’s funniest home videos, reality shows - real and contrived embarrassing moments are humor - using pain for recreation. We can choose to share joy, or share humor (pain).

I don’t like video or photographic gossip any more than verbal gossip. Nothing good can come of it. That is, no healing, no character growth, no increase in joy, no enrichment of lives (well, maybe for predators).

Cathouse Teri poses an interesting question. We teach boys not to hit girls, but what about bullying females? She refers to 74 WIXY and his struggle with being a pushover, and to One Man who relates how his nephew acts out what he sees at home.

While substitute teaching in a fifth grade class (about 5 years ago), someone came in and showed a 15 minute short film, on bullies. The message was that you have a choice when you encounter a bully. You can join friends to confront a bully, or report the bully to a teacher / parent. Anything else you do will get you in trouble.

Thinking back on this now, I see a fatal flaw in the presentation. It presumes trust and worthiness in the teacher or other authority. It only takes one or two disappointing tries to report a problem, before you teach someone that reporting isn’t a useful thing to do. And neither is following the school’s advice.

Everyone should know by now that bullies are considered to be insecure, and I suppose most are.

When raising kids, one of the broad categories of things we are supposed to do is to ’socialize’ the youngster, develop ethics and character that recognizes authority, works together with others for common goals, considers a family to be an advantage and something to be desired. We want a disciplined, honest, nurturing and caring, and happy character for the little one.

But what happens when the child isn’t taught any of that? When the examples of adults in the child’s life are themselves injured emotionally - abusive, neglectful, or cowed into withdrawal?

And teaching boys not to hit girls is historical. Boys were expected to wrestle, tussle, scrap, and fight. But not girls. Girls were expected to keep the house, support her husband, raise her children. Teaching boys that girls aren’t to be hit is part and parcel of defining ‘women’s work’.

Because we supposedly live under the rule of law (tell someone that on the Texas/Mexico border!) the current social rule is to report crime, and let professional law enforcement agencies take care of the problem. We call the holdouts and ‘do it yourselfers’ vigilantes. America has spent maybe the last 100 years or so convincing everyone that you use lawyers instead of fists to respond to cheats and liars and those that hurt you and yours. Where people are rich, and have neighborhoods with well paid police protection, this works pretty well. Many people live where the change is still in doubt.

Below the age of 13 or 16, I bet you could take about any bully kid, and see that the bully expresses anger and behavior observed, regularly, at home. Punching, belittling, abuse of all kinds, neglect, or that scary one - disassociated, unbonded, disconnected. After 4th or 5th grade, though, the intimidation, bullying, and arrogant behavior is probably related to home, but is more influenced by peers and kids encountered on a regular basis. Remember the homily “One bad apple spoils the whole barrel?” We have to be aware of the character of those our kids spend time with - in and out of the classroom.

Kicking, hitting, biting, pushing into someone’s space, blatantly ignoring instructions from those in authority - these are acts of disrespect. When raising kids, each act of disrespect must be confronted. We need to teach correct behavior, help the kid understand what wasn’t acceptable, and why. (Teaching can go faster with “Because I said so”, but be much more thorough when the lesson convinces the student why the desired result is more appropriate.)

I imagine One Man is learning what other parents have learned. Kids come programmed with mimic genius, and extremely primitive instincts. The process of raising kids includes de-programming the fight-or-flight, ruthless basics most kids seem to start life with, and guide the infant and toddler to more acceptable ways of living. Kids aren’t adults. They gradually approach adult behavior, experience, and understanding, between age 13 to 25, depending on the environment, the parents, the youngster, and the amount of money in the family.

74 WIXY discusses several incidents of being a ‘nice guy’. Only what he calls a nice guy, with great sense of humor, cries out in pain. A sense of humor sounds great, doesn’t it? Someone that takes pain and makes it entertaining. Only, why spend so very much time in pain? Cliff mentions a lady that made pals while he bought her drinks and smokes, then went home with someone else every time. He doesn’t thank his lucky stars that nothing came of his pursuit of this promiscuous, disrespectful, abusive woman (Garth Brook’s “Some of God’s Greatest Gifts are Unanswered Prayers” runs through my mind). Cliff doesn’t question choosing to pursue someone of weak character. He even pointed to a church group that snubbed him at a revival, for his lower class background. In the church group, is he choosing a congregation with immense arrogance (i.e., a social ‘clique’ or disrespectful association of arrogant bullies), or is he misreading the reason for not being included? Reading Cliff’s side of the story, it seems likely he is choosing poor companions.

Instead of looking to ‘better’ himself by associating with ‘better’ people, Cliff might look at character, respect, honesty, and discipline - and choose to avoid people that don’t have any. With luck, removing much of the pain in Cliff’s life would change him from ‘good sense of humor’ - to ‘happy’.

Bullies look for people like Cliff - they make life easy. Bullies tend to keep their victims thinking they are victims, and they can make others feel like, and act like victims. But victims are isolated. Let them get together, and pay attention to character virtues, and the situation changes. Lump honest, respectful people together and bullies leave them alone - they aren’t acting like victims.

Luck Cliff. One Man, you might look into foster parent training. Foster parents deal in distressed behavior and the vagaries of child care regularly. Once through the training, you might find ways to support some of these heroes, while understanding your nephew and his environment better. Luck to you, too.

Teri, I think bullies mimic behavior in their lives. Betrayal of trust, unfair attacks/beatings, misuse of authority can also trigger abusive behavior we call ‘bullying.’ Once we confront a bully, we really should examine the home for abuse and other problems. Charity isn’t the only thing that begins at home.

Your thoughts?