BR: Love slip-sliding away
Monday, November 3rd, 2008NML answers a question from Marianne today on Baggage Reclaim. Marianne reports that after 18 months, with the last few months being unhappy, he left her. For another. And NML assured her that not all relationships last, that his ending with her *before* he began something with another was a sign of character on his part, he was being responsible to himself an to Marianne.
I get these notions, entire scenarios pop into my brain from a snippet of a sentence, a sense of what is being described. And what really struck me was that Marianne let a couple of months of problems go by. She mentioned that she had really wanted to be with the guy, that she would have done anything for him - but she didn’t say what she had done to resolve the issues, or even what the issues were for her or for him. And she never mentioned what, if anything, she actually did to address the problem(s) other than keep on as she had, hoping the problems would go away.
So my answer to Marianne is that she missed a chance - for months - to fix the problem. When it didn’t get fixed, she lost her partner. Did he miss the same chance? Yep. This isn’t, can’t be, a “he does that and she is responsible for this” responsibility - everyone has to be alert for problems and active in solving them.
If you can’t tell if your mate is happy, how in the world will you be able to tell if your fourth grader is facing a bully or starting to enter puberty, from small changes in attitudes and behavior?
When your relationship is rocky, having problems, when you find things aren’t ‘gelling’, you face a challenge - a test. This is a time to make a decision, a choice. “Do I really want to be here?”
In a healthy relationship, the answer is almost always “yes”, but what follows then is really important. You need to understand why *your partner* is unhappy, what you can do, if anything, to help resolve *your partner’s* discomfort. Then you *have* to decide if you can bear to meet that need, or can work out a compromise. If you can’t or won’t resolve your half of the issue, without qualification or their participation or buy-in or reciprocation - do you really want to be there?
Umm - a compromise is *not* something you dictate. If you feel satisfied with a compromise outcome, if you are happy with the results - you likely imposed or manipulated your partner - who will be really unhappy about the resolution, if not the initial problem. You may have just created a bigger problem - manipulating and arrogantly dictating what goes on are abusive, show lack of respect - and are a serious threat to a relationship. A compromise should reduce a problem, but *no one* should expect to be happy about the solution. Some problems can be resolved happily, with everyone satisfied. Beware if the dissatisfaction isn’t balanced - this is not self-sacrifice, this is respect and honesty and nurturing to yourself and to your partner. “Winning” at all costs is a losing strategy.
From reading your letter is seems he may have faced such a rocky time in his relationship with you. And neither of you knew how to resolve his discomfort, or weren’t willing to resolve things - and he met someone that seemed free of that particular issue/issues or whatever was getting in his way (maybe just ability or willingness to resolve issues). Then the question of going or staying teetered on whether things would get better with you, when they hadn’t yet gotten better, or whether his best answer would be to try with this new girl. After a couple of months (from the time you became aware of a problem, which might have been much longer for him), he likely didn’t jump and change, this wasn’t an impulse, and likely not easy for him to do.
I am *not* saying anyone should be a doormat. You are the only one that can decide if meeting his needs is better or worse for you than remaining in a relationship with him. And you do have to make that choice, daily at the start. Because if doing or saying or being what he needs is harmful to who you are, or you fail to meet his needs - that *won’t* be a healthy relationship.
And the sad part here, is that I suspect the end came because you missed an opportunity to identify what *his* issues were, in time to continue growing together. When people talk about “keeping the love alive” I usually roll my eyes when they trot out bags of tricks like lingerie or pancakes or jewelry (these work for trophy wives or caricatures - not a meaningful relationship). But being alert to the beginnings of a distance, to the start of troubles, and being able to identify what is happening and being willing to adapt, that has to be a very good way to hold on.
When you have an issue? Try writing it out. Then figure out the central point. Continue until you can describe the problem in 2-10 words, max. And then *tell* your partner - don’t take a chance that they might miss signs of a problem, or fail to identify what the underlying issue is. The heartache you avoid may be your own.