It’s About Making Babies!

A lovely lady, LisaQ, writes that “I Need a Dating Time Out!“.

When I read her story, though, it seems she has been ‘looking’ for a good boyfriend almost the same way she looked when younger - hang out with singles, try to pair up with someone attractive, witty, cool, interesting.

Since then, I’ve met a couple of guys and both were so disappointing that I feel like just saying the hell with the whole thing. I’m sick to death of the process. Other than TDIB, I haven’t met a man in years, literally, that didn’t disappoint the hell out of me.

I have to feel for a person as tired and sad as that.

What do I know? I haven’t met LisaQ, but I know her daughter is responsible, respectable, and on speaking terms with her - signs of pretty strong character and a generally good person.

My problem is - I’m a guy. So my inclination is to address a problem, to want to make it better. So this won’t likely help LisaQ, but here goes.

First is the immediate problem - tired. Tired and possibly mild depression. Activity, a good rest routine (8 solid hours each night, dependable times, until rested, then 7:20). Balanced, appropriate meals at regular times. Restless? make sure things are cleaned, laundry, dishes, fall cleaning, paperwork and tax prep - not a night out. Avoid commercial TV - the ads interrupting the story disrupt your concentration, and the generally tawdry stories tend to erode self esteem. Be careful about DVD’s and movies.

Follow doctor’s orders about alcohol - a glass of red wine at night, to manage anti-oxidants and cholesterol. Eight glasses of water every day, 8 oz each, not more than two in a 60 minute period. Avoid caffeine, it takes over a week to detox on caffeine. Avoid nicotine - if you have been hanging with smokers, you will likely face withdrawals there, too. Remember the cooking chocolate brand, “Bakers Secret”? It turns out there was a Dr. Baker. He found a secret. Dark chocolate can benefit the health. In moderation. Like one square or 1/2 square per day. Take on an empty stomach, nibble slowly. Doing a Yoga ‘plow’ pose or standing on your head really isn’t necessary (just kidding).

And make a list of where you found a guy that disappointed you. Don’t list “this bar” and “that club” - list “bar” or “Place that served alcohol”. And don’t go to those places anymore. If you want to find someone that doesn’t disappoint, the odds are pretty good you won’t find him hanging out with those that do. And if you do meet someone good, you don’t want to be in the habit of hanging out where guys that disappoint hang out.

It is a cliche. Advice so hoary it grows whiskers. But it works. A pet. You can walk a dog, take it to obedience training (this is a very good thing to do, to make a change in your life. Borrow a dog if you have to.) A dog will tolerate more cuddling (most will), and the increase in activity and outdoor time helps distract you and makes the world more accessible.

When you feel happier with life, consider that a mate, a permanent date, or a casual bed partner aren’t the only ways to share your life. Most places need single foster parents as well as families. Most communities need volunteers, from reading coaches at elementary and high schools to substitute school teaching to visiting and ward clerking at hospitals. Take a non-intimate room-mate if you have an extra room. Invite some neighbors for dinner. Did I mention Yoga class, or other exercise or crafts class?

And, really, take care of yourself.

Blessed be!

NML writes about Morphing: Trying to fit in too much with your man on Baggage Reclaim. Yesterday the topic was related, But we have so much in common! That shaky ‘ole common ground in relationships.

NML has an advantage. The Baggage Reclaim site deals with a specific issue - recognizing and recovering from choosing emotionally available, hurtful, cheating, or abusive partners. This simplifies her message, and keeps the message relevant to the women that have picked an EUM for a partner - and that likely did so in the past, and will likely do so again unless they find the places in themselves that selects for that kind of partner.

In the more general run of things, the tactic of adapting to meet your partner’s need is a very good way to grow and nourish a relationship. Picking someone with shared interests and a similar background is a good way to avoid contrary understandings to get in the way of communicating.

In the general run of things, though, you expect your partner to be interested in you, to be honest, and respectful, and only take advantage of you in little things - if at all. You expect your partner to be as interested in your needs and growth and safety and joy as you are in your partner’s comfort. You expect that learning to build and grow a relationship, to nurture each other, to build a home and family will happen for both (all?) partners.

For the people at Baggage Reclaim, there is an entry criteria, something that binds the people, the advice, the community together - a horribly hurtful partner.

For the rest of us, the hurts and disappointments and rages of a reasonably healthy relationship don’t reach that threshold regularly. For most of us, the same tactics and techniques and defenses that bind the trapped to a tormentor and predator are good and useful skills and techniques and practices to restore a relationship, to get past a stress point, to accommodate an opposing view.

The same belief and reaction that binds to a tormentor is healthy with a healthy partner.

And that is the reason that a healthy relationship depends on selecting a healthy partner, a partner aware of the values of character and emotional bonds in a shared life, a partner informed enough to make informed assurances and promises.

And we have to be ready to overlook minor ‘glitches’ that give a life character and make an otherwise good partner exasperating and infuriating - and still detect the fatal flaws that will never be overcome, never be cured by ‘true love’.

Commitment isn’t just a resolve to pursue a relationship, or a goal. Commitment is also releasing, for good and all, the fear we have to carry at our core. The fear that a potential partner might not measure up, in character, in discipline, in ability to bond - the fear that keeps us aware there are more people we *shouldn’t* pair with. At the moment of commitment, not the declaration, but the moment we decide, that fear must transform into resolve to meet any challenge to share a relationship with our partner. At the moment of commitment we have to *know*, without reservation, that our partner is worthy.

Every time we select wrongly, we fail to adequately consider character before passion, every time we let a glib tongue or slick ‘moves’ rush us or blind us to what we need in a mate, we risk binding ourselves to a lot of fruitless pain.