It’s About Making Babies!

This lady’s statement struck me as missing the point.

debbie commented on NML’s post “Why you’ll always be a Yo-Yo Girl if you don’t maintain the No Contact Rule” on Baggage Reclaim, about the 65th comment on that post, dated August 2nd, 2008 11:01 pm.

It’s just hard to imagine that after 4 yrs that this is the way he felt he needed to speak to me. I was nothing but good to this man.

Now, this quote is taken out of context, in a dialogue with another vistor to NML’s Baggage Reclaim site. And I understand what debbie is expressing - that she gave what she could. That there must be something wrong with him to lash out after all the dedication, loyalty, affection, and support that debbie contributed.

But a couple of things just don’t sit right. First, if she was giving what the guy needed, then I cannot imagine that she would be looking for support in picking up the pieces of a broken affair. That is, she didn’t understand what it was that he needed.

Now, the other side of this is that if she had known what he needed, she might not have been able to give it. Unless your partner is balanced mentally and emotionally, disciplined, respectable and honorable, this is something that has to be considered. He may have needed abuse, or mothering, or any number of physical and emotional communications that lie outside the realm of common, healthy relationships. And once debbie understood that he needed something that would be harmful to her to provide - she should have run.

If the problem was that he or she simply never communicated to assure that each understood what he needed, then no amount of trying on debbie’s part counts for anything at all. She wasted her time and effort, and he owes her nothing for even trying.

And it took four years for things to get big enough, and ugly enough, to move these people out of their rut of miscommunication.

Being ‘good’ to her man is what debbie should have been doing. And the reason is that it should have been making her happy to do so - not to build up a debt of obligation to hold him or to hold over his head. She contradicts herself by claiming to have been doing good for him, then turning around and thinking that should have won his respect for her.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. You don’t buy respect. It is either there, or it is not. His wasn’t there. Not at the start, not at the end. Whether she was being good to him or not doesn’t keep him from using abusive language and hurtful actions. What keeps him acting reasonably and responsibly, is his discipline and his honor. And he either exhibits that or he doesn’t. But debbie cannot buy good treatment from a lout; she has to start with a good man.

And that leaves my last concern about this snippet from debbie’s comment. The time. A missed communication, a hurtful act, these happen in moments. The response should take into account recent actions to understand them, but not ancient history. The heart does not measure time as the sun and moon do. To the heart there are moments that last a lifetime, and moments that fleet by in a heartbeat or less. When responding to anger or trouble, the timeline is terribly mercenary - “What have you done for me today, or in the last hour?!” When considering joy and happiness and affection, we think in terms of decades and years and months, where what happened today blends with the other days and years that went before.

In anger, though, nothing about parents or other relatives or friends really matter. What happened or was said an hour before is so far in the past as to be best forgotten. Debts and sacrifices buy about 30 minutes. Total.

When debbie refers to the four (4) years she spent with the guy, she loses sight of what mattered - the previous hour. And she overlooked the fact that, though she gave, her reward was limited to the satisfaction she felt at the giving, not in building favors for her to call in later.

Debbie’s complaint is understandable, and heartfelt. What Astelle tells her on Baggage Reclaim to do is to be strong, cut contact with the guy, and that he doesn’t deserve her attention. All very true. But if I could, I would pass on to debbie this advice: Think about what you are saying. Because your complaints paint a picture of an abuser, not someone you can afford in your life. And your complaints also suggest you are more desperate than in love - that most of the bond between debbie and her ex-guy was debbie’s affection, not an exchange of love.

If I could steer debbie from her vision of her ex-relationship as just going sour, and instead have her view her previous attachment as dysfunctional, that she tried to make a faulty bond with an emotionally unavailable guy - into a love relationship. It was a good try, for about the first four (4) months. After that she tried harder when she should have known better. Blame the first four (4) months on picking the wrong guy, the following forty-four (44) months were debbie’s poor judgment in staying. And I think debbie could heal faster, and prepare for the rest of her life better, if she accepts he was the wrong guy, that picking an honest, honorable, disciplined guy that is interested in a family will be what she decides is most important in the next date she goes on. And the one after that.

Healthiernow posted the 50th comment to NML’s post on Baggage Reclaim, “Why you’ll always be a Yo-Yo Girl if you don’t maintain the No Contact Rule“.

Healthiernow responds to another comment that tells a story of her breakup with an Emotionally Unavailble Man (EUM). Like so many posts on Baggage Reclaim, Healthiernow also tells her story of feeling attached to a guy that, when they share a bed, really rings her chimes. But the guy is casual and disrespectful otherwise. That is, Healthiernow is a ‘fallback girl’, handy for him at odd moments, out of his mind the rest of the time.

Healthiernow wants to get over her obsession with the guy, has tried various processes including Al Anon and Codependents Anonymous. But she shared so many good years with him (in her words) and the sex is still great.

She describes dating other guys, and the EUM’s jealousy, as well as how extremely handsome he is and how 22 year olds and other women are attracted to this 45 year old bar toad.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t respond to Healthiernow on Baggage Reclaim. Because what I think is going on is not anything she is ready to think about.

Healthiernow’s problem is not her EUM. Her self image is skewed, but not the basic problem.

She thinks the goal of a relationship is having good dates.

When Healthiernow talks about trying to get past her obsession with the guy, she talks about dating men that appreciate her. That is ego stuff, not responsible, healthy behavior. Think about it. She wants guys to date that *appreciate* her. That think she is worth while, that think they are better people for being with her. That she feels her presence is a gift she gives, that they are delighted, or honored, to receive.

Bleah.

The first think I want Healthiernow to hear, is that she is confused. Getting past her EUM and the destructive effect on her life begins with choosing to date for a good reason - to build a family. She needs to choose a date that measures up, is a good mate-prospect, a good co-parent for her children in case there ever are any. At mid-forties she imight not be looking for kids now, but what makes a good co-parent makes a good partner.

The second thing is that getting past the EUM is not finding a better date - it is finding a life that doesn’t include placing her sense of self-worth in dates and dating. Healthiernow is so invested in dating as a lifestyle, that is all she sees. She doesn’t see herself as an adult, as a family member, as a community member, as an employer or employee, as a team member in anything but bed sports. And this is the second confusion I see. Healthiernow has value as a human being, and it is *not*, as she is focusing on now, her value as a date.

If Healthiernow is to be responsible and grow as a mature adult, she has to realize that while she is twisted into knots over her EUM - who moved 10 hours away - she isn’t going to be stable and available to any new date. She has to recover from this experience, let her heart catch up with her head, let her emotions settle into a stable state, before looking for a mate.

And she needs to quit the addictive dating lifestyle. Pick a mate, or find something else to do that can use your time and energy. A hobby, volunteer work, or long walks to think things through and find your focus, your dreams, your goals, once you get past the distractions of casual sex.

This lady is feeling bewildered at how powerful forces keep her bound to an unproductive relationship. I believe that addictive behavior is common to all of us. This is the basis for loyalty, for work ethic, for dedication, and for love. But we need to maintain control of our goals. Right now, Healthiernow is struggling with addictive behavior, but she is so focused on the addiction, the bonds to her EUM, that she wants to keep the thrill and ‘kick’ she gets, occasionally, by transferring her attention from one unsatisfactory man to another. While she abuses the conventions of social courting behavior for purely pleasurable casual dating, she misses the point.

Healthiernow, dear, stop looking for a good date. Take a year or three off, with no dates at all, then decide if you want a family or if your dreams and goals lead in another direction. You have to face the fears of being alone. You have to believe that you can succeed in life, and not have a date.

—

See, I cannot say that on Baggage Reclaim. I believe what Healthiernow needs to hear is profound, is life-changing. That change is a little death, a clearing away of the life before to make way for a new life. So I don’t connect with her emotions today - what I see is what must come to be, for her to learn to live a happy and healthy life. I don’t belittle her feelings, nor discount them. I think what needs to happen for her is going to hurt much worse than she has faced. I think she will discover unsuspected strengths and endurance and hope. I find casual dating, and dating as a lifestyle, to be wasteful and extremely hazardous. The only thing worse that encountering someone skilled at attracting bed partners, is the hollow life of learning to be ’successful’ at landing bed partners.

Instead of dreaming that her EUM might change, come to ‘appreciate’ her, I hope and pray for her, that the EUM does *not* change until Healthiernow comes to full healing - so she only has one target for her anger, for her hurt, for her betrayal to focus on. People do change. If Healthiernow chooses to make this monumental change, to leave the dating lifestyle behind, to never again take a date with a guy she isn’t interested in marrying, the certainty that this EUM won’t change his role in her life will only make the change that much simpler.

Nothing ahead of her will be easy.