It’s About Making Babies!

NML writes about Getting Your Wake Up Call: Relationship Epiphanies.

NML relates how a sequence of epiphany moments build up to an epiphany relationship.

Reading her premise, I was struck by what I suspect is the underlying philosophy.

Change is measured in pain. Real change is always traumatic, by definition. The Tarot describes change as a little death, a clearing away of the life, the beliefs, the values and the priorities from before the change. After the change lies a new perspective on life and opportunities, and a changed understanding of truth and reality.

What NML considers an epiphany moment might also be considered a false truth being recognized for being false. When we think that being aware of our partner’s wants and needs, and quietly going about meeting them, we might overlook how slighting ourselves taints the relationship. So while we strive to be accommodating – we set ourselves, and our partner, up for rebellion.

But what if we realize at some point, that our efforts are wasted? That the more we try to accommodate, the unhappier our partner, and our relationship gets? It is possible, but unlikely, we would realize the underlying misconception – that we need to take care of ourselves and our partner.

I might call this conservation of change. That is, when confronted with a disconnect between reality and our world view, we tend to apply the least amount of change and update to our world view.

In a relationship this leads to a reluctance to leave. With a good, healthy, and appropriate (for us) partner, this is good. It gives a relationship a chance to weather adversity and turmoil. With a dysfunctional partner – abusive, disrespectful, or emotionally unavailable (or combination) – it keeps the abused partner around long after the relationship becomes an active source of hurt and injury.

Firesign Theater did a skit years ago about “Everything you know is wrong.” This is absurd. We know, for instance, that water is wet, that mom’s spit cleans faces, and that caring for a pet lengthens lives. Except, there are times when even that has to be qualified. Water freezes. A pet cougar or lion, or alligator will grow and might not lengthen one’s life at all, at all. (MomSpit No-Rinse Cleanser for Hands and Face 2oz Lemon and White Tea by “MomSpit, Inspired by the Original”, though, sells on Amazon.com.)

We are reluctant to look beyond the first “fact” that contributes to things gone awry. We “fix” it and go on. We experience our epiphany, we say, “Wow, that was something I thought was true, but isn’t.” We discover a new truth for us, and consider the problem fixed.

In science class I learned about a “scientific method” that was fundamental to the creation of modern science. In the US Navy, we were taught a “six step troubleshooting method” that embodied the same six steps. Google lists many different versions for “six step troubleshooting”. One is a PDF file, that lists the six steps as: Verify the complaint; Determine the related symptoms; Analyze the symptoms; Isolate the trouble; Fix the problem; and lastly Verify proper operation. Yes, this happens to be an AutoShop101.com procedure to deal with electrical problems. Of all the various versions of the “six step” or scientific method, the first starts with verifying the problem or complaint can still be observed, the next three understand the symptoms and identify where the problem lies, the fifth is to make a fix, and the six is always to go back and check to see if all of the problem has actually been corrected.

Considering the fifth and sixth steps part of “problem solving” has been an important philosophical change in many technical areas. Where I can hear my tractor motor run rough, and reach down and adjust the carburetor, I might be jumping to a conclusion about what is amiss. But I will adjust, and if that doesn’t fix the issue – I know I am not done, yet.

We can do that with or daily lives, too. We can consider “fixing” a problem the next-to-last step, instead of the finishing touch.

We can try out the “fix”, to see if it really did correct all of the problem. If not, we can go back, adjust our analysis, and try again to “isolate the problem” (that is, figure out what is broken).

Conservation of change is a powerful force in people’s lives. We correct, we question, the little things first. We change the stuff that is least embarrassing, the least noticeable by others, first. We fear letting others see our mistake, we fear looking foolish – and we have difficulty dealing with the fact that the love we learned at home, the role models we take for truth – are flawed.

So our journey from pain to truth comes in steps. We wait for new people and situations to teach us the rest of the lesson we skip over when we can. Until, finally, we have whittled away all the false starts, and distracting sidelights of the problem, and discover a significant issue. The small issue “epiphany moments” have cleared the detritus, so we find ourselves facing a new path, a different perspective, a changed understanding of love and relationship. And we find there is no gentle or quiet way to accommodate such a change in reality, with our current partner. Because such a moment shows us that we picked an unsuitable partner. That we want a fundamentally different kind of relationship, with different role for ourselves and our partner. That is, I think, what NML calls an “epiphany relationship.”

Part of the delay, of the succession of epiphany moments before we make a life change, is a learning process. We test, we check, we confront what we think is broken, and evaluate various fixes. It takes continued persistence of the problem to elevate what we consider to be “the problem”, to something with far-reaching effects.

Part of the delay, the stepwise approach to real change, is a need to believe what we have been taught. We are reluctant to face the large disconnects between what we need, and what we have been led to ask for.

There is an aspect of honor for those we learned from. How can we respect and honor Dad, and believe that his passive-aggressive behavior is bad for a relationship? How can we respect and admire Mom, and recognize that her gossip and disrespectful ways are abusive?

So we are brought, by life or the love of good people, to a better understanding of wider truths. Change is measured in pain; it isn’t a pretty or a happy journey.

Blessed be.

Brad K Dating, Interactions baggage reclaim, change, epiphany moment, NML, six step troubleshooting

Movedon took me to task the other day on the Baggage Reclaim discussion site on Ning.

I commented that refusing to answer the phone when breaking up with someone – or when angry with them – is a mixed signal. Depending on him to “get the message” that she is “no longer interested” makes a bunch of assumptions about how he interprets her signal.

For instance, he might be concerned she has been injured or killed, as a certain number of people experience every day. He might contact (bother) friends, family, and workplace to confirm she is indeed healthy – and being rude.

You can not “screen” your calls and messages, and respect whoever is calling. If you are select about who you answer, you are varying your character, adjusting your ethics and morals, to whomever you are dealing with. This is an unsubtle and insidious form of deceit. Picking and choosing whom you will be honest with, or worse, when you will be honest with people, is a thin veiling of civilization over a manipulative and deceitful nature.

Thus, my insistence that refusing to answer his call is a healthy habit. It is much better to get his phone blocked, to change your number, or tell him, “Go away, now. You are taking up attention and time I need to leave open, for someone I hope to meet.”

Don’t wait to tell the police at your door, that no, you haven’t been abducted, your wacko ex is panicking because you won’t answer his calls. You might get a bill from the police for contributing to their wasted errand.

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Failing to answer the phone, screening calls, isn’t the only behavior we accept that is based on rudeness. Playing pranks – making some one look foolish, or risk injury, or damage clothes or property “for fun”.

Understanding that sexual excitement can obscure intentions to behave in a certain fashion for social, economic, or lifestyle reasons, yet using an escalating scheme of arousal to “get your way”. You know, sort of the “poor man”s version of the date-rape pill. Related, is relying on physical appearance, or cosmetic surgery, or colognes and perfumes, or exposure of the body in a provocative fashion (bustles and cleavage come to mind, with piercings and revealing shirts and exposed underwear).

In the past, before modern medical care (before B. Hussein Obama was elected), when women with adequate hips were more likely to survive the birth of their children, and an “adequate bosom” (a delightful line, I forget the movie) had to do with breastfeeding efficiency, and the risk that too little milk might put an infant at risk. Today these life-and-death concerns have become mere sex signals. Back then, communities and families understood they grew, or died, by the birth of the next generation. Picking a mate was literally an investment in life and children.

Teasing easily becomes bullying, if there is indeed any difference at all. Causing annoyance, fear, pain, humiliation – anger – in another’s life should be reserved for defense against an enemy. Instead, parents often practice teasing against their children – who practice, also, in their lives. There is no respect in teasing.

So why is “I was just teasing” ever considered an excuse for anything? “It was just a joke” is nothing less than disrespect. And abuse always hovers around disrespect.

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But we have come to accept as common behavior, too much teasing, and pranking, and selective morals.

We have come to associate even bad things as “attention”. Studies of abused children and adults show that often the desire for attention causes one to tolerate mild or even excessive abuse and neglect. The fact that teasing and pranking show attention does not justify the moral decay of deliberately hampering another in their path through life.

Many would conclude that someone doesn’t want to talk to them, if they don’t answer the phone. But to understand what an unanswered communication means, you have to know that you are being ignored, and that the the phone and person you call are functioning in good order, and able to receive a call. That their cell provider hasn’t been bought, or shut down, or interfered with by the Federal Government.

That is a lot of assumptions to be making. The only time I can see that this would be a clear and consistent signal – is if you are in the habit of “dropping” perpetual daters, those with experience and engaged in the social practice of bed hopping. In which case, you aren’t looking for a long term (as in, “life time”) companion. You are choosing people of negotiable virtue to be companions in social recreation.

I don’t think much of screening calls. It is better to associate only with people of good character, and communicate clearly and honestly.

Brad K Dating, Interactions Baggage Reclaim Ning, disrespect, Movedon, rude, screen calls