It’s About Making Babies!

Dr. Michele Borba discusses “Stopping Violence, Nurturing Tolerance in Kids” on Parenting Solutions.

Of course, the best way to teach children tolerance is not through lectures but through our example. Be a living textbook of tolerance for your children and for all other children. Hatred and intolerance can be learned, but so too can sensitivity, understanding, empathy and tolerance. Although it’s certainly never too late to begin, the sooner we start, the better the chance we have of preventing insidious, intolerant attitudes from taking hold. And there has never been a more important time to nurture tolerance.

Overlooking the obvious

I think that most people communicate fairly well, some better than others. Parents are just so much more vulnerable, and more plainly exposed, when communication breaks down.

What I mean is this. The articles and incidents of “Kick a Ginger Day” and other attacks are promoted among 10-13 year olds. The incidents are organized around Facebook incitements to assault randomly-picked classmates. There may be a South Park cartoon tie-in for randomly calling innocent people “evil”, including the first known “Kick a Ginger Day”.

TV and videos, and other online and electronic media including games, are deliberately engineered by thinking adults to capture and hold attention.

Parents, on the other hand, spend much of their time, living through the day.

An example isn’t enough

I admire Dr. Borba for identifying and reporting problems, for offering solutions. In this case, though, she starts out admonishing parents to explain and state tolerance to their children, over and over. Dr. Borba states quite clearly that cruelty and intolerance must never be accepted. And then she states that even better would be to live an exemplary life, a life of tolerance.

The implication is that the children will then practice the tolerance of the parent.

It takes something more.

It takes time with your children. And it takes considering what you do, and *explaining* yourself to your child, time and again. Not just “we have to tolerate others”. “I see Mrs. Snyder is getting around better today. She has been ill for a few weeks.” Make others, people that are not frequent visitors or family, real to you and to your child by demonstrating, and speaking out loud, a simple awareness of others, a respect for their lives, their accomplishments and their mishaps.

Do it for yourself. Hear yourself, listen to yourself talk about others. Is there bitterness, or disrespect for the person or some part of their identity with various communities? It is for dead certain sure your children hear all of that.

Do it for your children. Bring up the subject, let them hear your thoughts, let them hear why you feel what you do and think is right and proper. In addition, you might create an opportunity for you or them to question your choices and preferences. You could each learn from the other. It happens.

It takes time.

Most critical of all, though, is that it takes time. Time parents spend with their children. Time without electronic or electric influence – no cell phones, no texting (or sexting), no electronic games, no TV, no computer – no waiting for a favored program or an update to a facebook page or other social media.

Where could such time be found? Turn the radio off in the car. After the first 15 minutes of grousing, and after the first 20 attempts, I imagine that some attention might again be recaptured. The garden, that would be a good place to talk, while weeding, hoeing, gathering, mulching, or composting. Shared yard work – maybe two push-powered reel type mowers would let older (10 years plus) and adults share mowing duty, while not having a motor to drown out conversation. Family walks would be great, an opportunity to bring up various neighbors and cultural observation, insights, and questions.

You have to explain to your children who you are, and what you are as a member of your family and community. Because you don’t have your child with you all your life – you have a limited amount of time undistracted by those talented “entertainment” engineers. And you have to listen to how you describe yourself, to keep up with changes that happen with life experiences, with meeting friends, and with losing loved ones.

Oh, and learn who your young one is growing up to be, too.