It’s About Making Babies!

Dr. Michele Borba writes at Parenting Solutions about kids that are pessimistic – depressed, give up easily, and set up for life-long unhappiness: Solutions to Turn Pessimistic Kids Into Optimistic Thinkers.

She gives a list of do’s and don’t's for parents. These approaches should work at home, at work, with friends and partners. They are partly common sense, but partly meaningless to many of us. I don’t have a degree in psychology, so some of the directions seem a bit . . fuzzy.

4. Balance pessimistic talk. One way to thwart your kid’s pessimistic thinking is by providing a more balanced perspective. If you use the strategy enough, your child will use it to help counter pessimistic talk. Suppose your child won’t go to her friend’s birthday thinking no one likes her. Offer a more balanced view: “If Sunny didn’t like you, you’d never have been invited.” Or if your kid blows her math test exclaiming that she’s stupid. You say: “Nobody can be good at everything. You’re good in history and art. Meanwhile, let’s figure out how to improve your math.”

And

7. Acknowledge a positive attitude. Do be on the alert for those times your child does utter optimism. If you’re not looking for the behavior, you may well miss those moments when your child is trying a new approach. “Kara, I know how difficult your spelling tests have been. But saying you think you’ll do better was being so optimistic. I’m sure you’ll do better because you’ve been studying so hard.”

Maybe this is my gender limitation showing. What is meaningful to me is a phrase from the movie The Butcher’s Wife with Demi Moore. Ten words or less, Doc. I’m on the clock.

The examples Dr. Borba gives in these two points seem well thought out, probably have the right degree of emphasis. And they are about 11-22 words too long for me to maintain a train of thought.

In the first place, if you are correcting your child’s pessimism, you can lead by example, you can direct their attention, you can give feedback as to whether you accept their performance to your signal – or you can hand them responsibility. “Fix it. You aren’t done yet.”

As the parent, I think too many times an explanation is given to abrogate responsibility. If we are going to train, to act, we must take responsibility for what happens. Yes, we want our kids to participate and we want to encourage them in solution finding. But tell them “saying you think you’ll do better was being so optimistic” – that has to feel as lame to hear as it is to read.

Optimism and pessimism are pretty low-level, fundamental aspects of how we view the world. If our child has issues at that level, the remedy will also be low level, emotional – and won’t include words like optimistic.

Dr. Borba’s approach seems on target for concept, I just think a few of her suggested approaches are esoteric for a parent-child conversation, or intervention. Especially an intervention — interrupting unwanted behavior or thought patterns — must be immediate, clear, and concise. The time for explanations, for providing reasonings and further information – is after the dust has settled, at a time and place that is recognized as being a “lesson” kind of atmosphere. Especially where and when both are assured of adequate privacy – begin corrected or interrupted in public, even in front of little brother, has to be abrupt or the exposure overwhelms the message.

Respect your child; treat their attention as the gift it is.

I would add one special item to Dr. Borba’s first recommendation: 1. Eliminate the negatives you can Gossip. Gossip is negative, even when saying something positive about another. At it’s best, gossip is entertainment at the expense of someone not present. At it’s worst, gossip harms the teller, the listener, and unfairly the one being discussed. Nothing good can come of gossip. If you gossip, your child will know – and their imagination will fill time away from you with imagined gossip about them. This vicious cycle cuts deep wounds and long lasting.

Follow Dr. Borba’s Parenting Solutions!