It’s About Making Babies!

Ria asks in her comment to Advice: Why won’t he contact me?” at Baggage Reclaim:

The first week was probably the hardest because i was so used to calling/texting/messaging him every single day that it felt weird not to do anything at all but as the days went by it got a little bit easier and i started to think about him less and less and even today although i did think about him i knew that there was NO WAY i would initiate any contact with him and its made me feel so strong and proud of myself BUT then today my phone rings and who happens to be calling well none other but THE assclown..i was very surprised to say the least and for a minute i thought maybe i shouldn’t bother picking up but two seconds later i did-and with that i broke the no contact rule!!:(( but at least it was him calling me and not me calling him..anyways i just answered because i was curious to see what he wanted maybe he missed me, maybe he felt like seeing me and talking about things, or trying to work something out…hahah i should of known better than that!!

My response

@ Ria,

A word about No Contact. You said, “for a minute i thought maybe i shouldn’t bother picking up but two seconds later i did-and with that i broke the no contact rule!!”

You broke NC when your phone rang with him on the other end. You didn’t get his number blocked, or get a new number – you still knew that he called, and that is when NC was broken. Because you knew he called, most of the damage was already done, whether you ever took his call or not.

The other reason you are feeling so vulnerable – is that you are still in the relationship as much as ever. This 25 days may or may not have affected him. But you still want him to be the guy he should have been, the guy you wanted. You are still, today, waiting for him to realize what you had between you.

What is wrong with that? You can’t get over him, grieve his loss, while he is still there in your thoughts and in your heart.

When you start NC, the point is to make a conscious and deliberate choice. You decide, on your own, that regardless of what he says or does, no matter how he changes or begs, that you can no longer afford to allow him to be present in your life. That you not only want him gone – you will never accept him back. You make that choice. You decide, for your own good, that you will treasure and learn what you can from your relationship with him – as something that is over. You choose that whatever happened in the relationship with him, that it will not be the basis of any future feelings, plans, reactions, or bonds. You acknowledge that the bozo is not only someone you aren’t involved with – he is someone you now know is toxic, a known predator and user and abuser – or just someone that you have to keep away from, for your own sanity and welfare.

Remember that as long as you think of him, of his potential, of whatever you wanted to happen – he is acting as a boat anchor, continuing to drag you down to his level. While you are thinking of him, waiting for him to realize whatever, he acts as a barrier to keep healthy people away from you. You will never form a healthy relationship while he is still prominent in your thoughts.

You have to clear the debris of the past away, in order to break the cycle, to keep from going from one bad relationship to another just like it. That clearing away, that putting away the clutter and mistakes and misunderstandings and illusions of the past is where NC comes in. You enter NC by first deciding that the past is past and must no longer taint today or tomorrow. NC is not ignoring his call, NC is preventing his call from getting to your phone. NC is deciding you never, ever want to know that he tried to call, and NC is deciding that not knowing is the least evil available.

Should you do the favor? Why not? You are in a relationship with him. That is the actual, true state of your feelings. You have never said, to yourself or to him, “It is over. I never want anything to do with this bozo, ever, no matter what. I believe he will never be good for me; for my own good I have to learn to live a better life, with better self esteem, and I cannot get to where I need to go while this bozo is in my life. I quit, I hate having put off this moment for so dratted long, but the time is now. I will grieve the loss in my life of someone that has been important to me, so that he will no longer hold my heart or my behavior, or my thoughts. It doesn’t matter what he wants or needs – he is a predator, and I cannot afford to worry about anyone but myself right now.” That is the beginning of NC. That choice, that demand of yourself to free yourself not just from him, but from all the compromises and all the wrongs you overlooked.

Ria, you wonder if he is testing to see if the door is still open. Right now you dread that – because you left that door open, the welcome mat cleaned and tidied and set out with flowers and his name. The question is not, “Is he checking to see if the door is still open?” – the important question is “Why is the door still open?” Once you truly close the door, you would not care if he checked or not – you wouldn’t notice or care. NC is meant to begin “faking it ’til you make it”, provide a safe barrier and safe place for you to pretend and to practice living with the door closed to him.

And remember that you have things to do during NC, not just count days. There is a lot of healing to do, and learning from the past, and beginning to live a happier today.

Luck.