It’s About Making Babies!

NML wrote an excellent five part Baggage Reclaim article on that hazards of using issues like compatibility, the ideal ‘type’ of person, and common interests to select an intimate partner – when you have a history of bad relationships.

Essentially, if you don’t have good self esteem and understanding of what is healthy in life and love, your check for compatibility will check for the wrong things. If your ideal type doesn’t begin with character, with discipline and a desire for home and a shared life, you are in trouble. If your common interests are assumed, and not discovered to be similar, you risk jumping to the wrong conclusion, working diligently for things that cost you in your relationship.

At around 210 comments, the topics drifted a bit from the original topic. And comments were cut off.

But I still would like to respond!

BDSM

Astelle asked

What is BDSM??

This is simple, fairly complicated, and very divisive, morally and ethically.

Bondage and Domination, with Sado-Masachism is a genre of sex play. Tying or restraining a partner as part of an erotic encounter, which might include inflicting pain (sadism) to someone that finds excitement from the pain (masochism) or humiliates the partner is considered appropriate with suitable safeguards (either can call it quits when they want, agreement on what degree of bondage, humiliation, pain, etc. is expected) and while both parties consent. BDSM taps into the body’s response to danger and feelings of vulnerability, easily crossing connections with sexual responses. Emotionally, each person makes their own adaptation – or avoidance – of the various elements from leather and chain adornment, whips, spanking, name calling, degree of restraint and pain. There are communities of people involved in individual, couple, and group involvement with this kind of excitement or thrill seeking. Some people live a Dominant/Submissive lifestyle part or all of the time. The humiliation aspect may include crossdressing, gender role reversals. Exhibitionism – playing out aspects in public or in a group to be seen by others may be included.

Submissives wearing the spiked dog collars in public is one likely signal of someone heavily invested in some aspect of BDSM.

My criticism is the same as regards Viagra, fashion, makeup, and beer ads – does it make better babies? For people that explore BDSM at a hobby level, there is risk of wasting money on accessories and sex toys, of harming your partner emotionally as well as physically, of discovering unwanted inner feelings in a setting where you are unable to deal with them in a healthy fashion. Like any other aspect of life, BDSM and other aspects of sex can be addictive, stealing time and energy from nurturing your relationship and your partner. Focusing on your reaction to stimulation – erotic or otherwise – or your partner’s response is wonderful to a point. Focusing to the point that you ignore other needs is a very real risk.

I would consider anyone heavily into BDSM as a sex adventurer, rather than a mate prospect.

Codependent

Aega responded to a comment of mine:

I thought I had peeled off for my husband as many layers as I ever would for anyone. He is a wonderful man who always listened and made it better, and after 10 years of marriage still always got up before me to make sure that he started my car for me and checked that I had remembered breakfast, keys, a winter jacket, and a laundry list of things to be done that he didn’t trust me to get done if not prodded. He meant all this from the heart. But sometimes, when we fought, he would express his frustration with all the ways in which I fell short of his ideal person.

Aega,

I hope you read what you wrote. Your husband apparently likes you, and feels affection for you. But he doesn’t trust or respect you very much. He seems controlling, and you don’t seem to be playing the full role of mate very well – the portions of everyday tasks that are your responsibility, either because you took them on, or he assigned them to you – you aren’t doing unless he nags (getting up early and setting things out is a non-verbal form of nagging in this case). And nagging is never a sign of respect. Nagging might be one technique for teaching or coaching, but he isn’t your teacher. And you aren’t being responsible in the little things, neither responsible to your own self esteem nor to your relationship.

You are going to have to get some support. You don’t mention much having good friends, women friends. Whether he chose to isolate you from others or you haven’t worked on making friends, you don’t have the interpersonal experience of a friendship, the support and responsibilities of friendship to help you keep things in perspective.

Procrastinating, putting things off that you could have completed sooner, is often a sign of low self esteem and fear. Don’t ask me how I know. Forgetting things that need to be done is simple – make lists. Keep them up to date. The act of writing things down helps master the information (like taking notes in class, even if you never read over the notes). Getting into the habit of referring to the notes and lists will help organize you, keep you in mind of what needs to be done next. And you don’t rely on someone to take care of you – your self respect and self esteem depend on you being able to manage your responsibilities.

And:

But I know exactly why I fell in love with “the bozo” – he gets me. He takes me as I am and doesn’t try to fix me.

No. The bozo doesn’t get you. He was a sex adventurer, his goal was your bed and he isn’t and wasn’t interested in sharing lives. He didn’t try to change you, because your values and habits had nothing to do with the part of you he was interested in – your sex life. His “virtues” were that he didn’t care. You are contrasting the bozo’s lack of interest with your husband’s unfair expectations and emotional abuse. Since the bozo walked away, apparently you don’t know him any better now than he knows you. The bozo didn’t care who you are or what you need, or he would not have taken up with a married woman. Character, discipline, honor, loyalty and respect don’t work that way.

The skimping on sleep and not worrying about consequences, that part is a problem. You are the only one that can meet your responsibilities. Most of us need adequate sleep to do a fair job for an employer, or to meet the needs of the people in our lives. That is simple personal responsibility. You may need to reserve late night binges to Friday or Saturday night, or some other time when you don’t risk being unable to meet commitments you make. If this sleep thing is a passive-aggressive pattern that punishes your husband, you need to stop. It is disrespectful of yourself and him. Confront issues openly, discuss and listen fairly. Listen to understand your partner’s point, and why it is important to him. Agreement might happen, or might not,that is less important than understanding why your partner joins in a discussion or confrontation.

Luck.