Does he miss me – and is he hurting?
NML explores Does my ex Mr. Unavailable or assclown miss me? on Baggage Reclaim. The point of the piece is how to deal with missing him after the relationship ends. Those familiar with Baggage Reclaim understand that NML talks about relationships with issues of disrespect, of being emotionally unavailable, of picking a party guy and trying to lean on him as if he were a dependable mate and spouse. But this applies to any ended romance.
Meanwhile back at Baggage Reclaim
There are many questions that burn through our mind when a relationship ends. It may be because he ended it or because you cut contact with him, but many of us get caught up in the futile game of wondering:
Does he miss me?
or decoded:
Does the assclown or Mr Unavailable who didn’t give me what I want/treat me decently when we were together, finally realise what he’s missing?
Does he miss me enough for things to be different this time?
Yep, you’re looking for validation again. That and a potential opportunity to stay invested in the hope that this time he’s changed.
Then NML asks,
Does he miss you? Who cares? Well actually you do but if it’s a Mr Unavailable you’re wondering this about, it’s just another indication that you need to focus some of your energy dealing with your own issues so that you don’t wonder why people who don’t treat you with love, care, and respect are missing you and focus on gravitating to people that do.
Another possible dynamic
We like to think we matter. We like to think that if we disappeared from someone’s life, that our absence would have an impact.
So when we break up, we want that bozo to hurt. We certainly want the ex to hurt more than we do, because that means our leaving punished them. They did bad, now they have to live with the consequences. We succeeded in affecting their lives! Yeah!
The romance bully
So, where does this come from, this wanting that someone – anyone! – hurt, experience grief, remorse, regret? We might be indulging in simple “eye for an eye” biblical justice. We might be striking back for hurts that we blame on the ex.
This bullying, this “Be nice to me or I will hurt you again” hope to revive a connection, is an act of disrespect.
The Mommy authority
What if we thought that we could change the ex, use the pain of breaking up not as a bullying assault, but as a disciplinary action to train the ex to do better next time? What if we want to know if the ex is hurting – to gauge whether the training is over, if the ex “learned his lesson”?
This is still an act of vast disrespect. You aren’t his Mommy, you aren’t his trainer, his judge, jailer, or his drill sergeant. So you have no responsibility, and no right, to change his behavior. He is capable of learning, regardless of what you do. But you cannot impose training, change, improvement, or any behavior on him.
Vows and laws
One caveat. Marriage vows, religious teachings, and laws in general. When you enter into shared vows, then reminders about what is expected, what is right and proper, are expected. You are intended to support each other, to help watch out for small sins that lead to greater things. But there are limits. You are not responsible for your mate’s or partner’s behavior, and have no permission to apply discipline. You are responsible for yourself, errors that others make are their own responsibility.
Many faiths hold each believer responsible for reflecting back misdeeds and ill thoughts. This feedback is intended to nurture growth in faith of both parties. But it again has limits, no one is responsible for the acts and words of another.
The theory goes that laws are written to protect society. The reality is that most laws are written to support or protect some special interest, with some general overall good expected somewhere. We don’t punish law breakers. But we can choose whether to associate with criminals and those that see the world as “anything is legal as long as you don’t get caught”. Things like rape, abuse, illegal drug use, drunk driving, assault, etc. In many ways, reporting others for breaking the law is punishing them, betraying them. The alternative is that often more people get hurt when crimes aren’t reported. And you still have the choice whether to find a safer place, a safer community.
Has he learned his lesson?
This, I think, is the point that NML overlooked or avoided. Think how much more satisfying it would be, if the ex missed us so much, hurt so bad, that he saw the light and changed. That the ex learned his lesson.
That would make us a powerful teacher, and it would mean the ex would be ready to solve all the problems and keep all the good things we miss.
Be responsible.
Except we have no right, no authority, to “teach” anyone a “lesson” in life. Especially not someone we are intimate with. If we are responsible for our actions, we won’t split up as a game, a strategy to punish or change someone. We will break up because that is what we need to do, for our health, our happiness.
And we have to accept the consequences, that we will hurt and grieve the loss of someone from our lives.
We should wish the ex well – at least, well enough to stay away from us. And not look back too very much.
Brad,
Thank you. I have been trying to explain to a friend of mine that just
because her AC hurt her does not give her the right to hurt him. She wants to know if he is miserable;I tell her that in reality, yeah, they all are. But it is not our job to judge or sentence anyone. Her AC was very controlling, and I tell her that it is not right for her to try to control him. Even thought we all would love to scratch their eyes out, we would be the ones that would be arrested and pay. These idiots rarely (if ever) pay for any of their bad behavior. Anyway, I appreciate the male perspective.
txwoman, Thanks for the kind words.
Notice I do *not* say anything about forgiving anyone.
Recovering from being attacked and abused, the very first step toward healing has to be to want to take control of something, to prevent further attacks. Having just lived with being hurt, I imagine your friend would almost have to think of hurting her abuser as being the handiest, easiest to grasp way of exerting control, even power over her enemy.
But attacking is seldom good for us. Defending in whatever strength is available is right and proper, if attacked. But there is little to separate being a bully from attacking someone for any reason. A trainer in a strenuous preparation and orientation period, similar to boot camp (US Navy), sometimes a teacher, often a parent have the responsibility and authority to use whatever approach is needed to teach the intended lesson. For anyone else – it is just an attack.
Walking away, learning to accept the consequences of failing to avoid dangerous, disrespectful people, and maybe even forgiving ourselves for mistakes we make, those can lead to a powerful life. Holding onto a hatred, planning how to hurt or “teach a lesson” – these bind us in the here and now to the past, bind our emotions and block our healing by keeping us engaged with someone we should be replacing in our lives.
And holding a grudge, dwelling on the hatred and anger and hurt all combine to prevent us from seeing ourselves clearly, of looking at what went wrong, what was and was not a mistake, and learning to do better next time. If we date or connect with someone while still bitter about a previous ex, we are cheating with that someone new. As surely as if we were married, the new “flame” becomes “the other guy”, second best, the one that there really isn’t room for in anyone’s life.
Letting the bozo go is a matter of practicality. The world gets smaller every day – the likelihood that someone important to us in the days and years ahead will hear the story of any revenge we take, or punishment or hurt we dish out, increases daily. Especially if the hurt is meaningful, the story will be told, and blogged, and tweeted, and facebooked – if not played out in the courts and local papers. You potentially involve friends and family of either side, and right or wrong will *not* be important. No one will care whether your friend was justified.
And I promise the bozo will never understand why your friend feels hurt, or why she wants to hurt him. Never, ever. She risks a bunch if she tries something, and all for no chance of accomplishing anything.
Great post and this seeking pain or some sort of signal that there has been a lesson learned is something that as we connect better and deeper with ourselves, becomes unimportant. The fundamental thing is that in knowing deep down that you have chosen a bad mate because it’s catering to a self-fulfilling prophecy driven by your low self-esteem and your beliefs about love and relationships, there is this assuming that what we think they could and should be is what they should think they could and should be. We have no right to do this – even if we think we know what is best for them, that doesn’t make it so. Part of this desire to get him to recognise and attone for what he has done is about wanting to be right. You know you’ve truly moved on when you don’t give a hoot!
´s last blog ..Normalising Bad Behaviour in your Relationships
Brad K., is there a way to personally contact you for advice or is the comment way the best way to do it? I’m really trying to get over the ex and I know you post on NML’s site (I adore you, girlie), however, I am wondering if you can respond via email or something less publicized.
This is so true . All i’ve ever wanted to do is hurt my ex to think that one day he will realize and change . But by attempting to hurt him makes the situation much worst, indeed there was an incident which he decided to facebook and not only did his friends and family find out what I said but it also embarassed me and made me sound like the viscious bitch…I now know that trying to change him will never work, regardless of what I do at the end of the day he will still choose to do the things he wants to do.
@ Bbylove,
By keeping alive all that anger, you keep yourself tied to a life with him in it, even if he is no longer around. You spend energy, fruitlessly, being attached to the guy. And you grow even more used to living with anger and hurt in your life.
All the turmoil and focus on him and the past, will continue to keep good, well adjusted men away from you.
Peace – a choice or three away.
Brad, this is so true. In the past, I’ve often tried to change people, to make them the ideal man that I think they could and should be. It was only recently that a guy told me I was a brat. Simple as that. “You’re a brat.” Nobody has told me that before (at least not to my face). He couldn’t have been more right.
So with that realisation, and another chance (i think) with this particular person, I’m taking a different approach to the relationship. Where I used to blame other people for my feelings, I can now take responsibility for the way I feel because I have allowed myself to feel that way. I choose my reactions carefully these days, act with patience and try to listen more than I speak. No longer do I seek perfection, but accept that there are differences and together, we build on strenghts and compensate for weaknesses in the relationship and ourselves.
Thanks for reinforcing this.