NML explores Does my ex Mr. Unavailable or assclown miss me? on Baggage Reclaim. The point of the piece is how to deal with missing him after the relationship ends. Those familiar with Baggage Reclaim understand that NML talks about relationships with issues of disrespect, of being emotionally unavailable, of picking a party guy and trying to lean on him as if he were a dependable mate and spouse. But this applies to any ended romance.
Meanwhile back at Baggage Reclaim
There are many questions that burn through our mind when a relationship ends. It may be because he ended it or because you cut contact with him, but many of us get caught up in the futile game of wondering:
Does he miss me?
or decoded:
Does the assclown or Mr Unavailable who didn’t give me what I want/treat me decently when we were together, finally realise what he’s missing?
Does he miss me enough for things to be different this time?
Yep, you’re looking for validation again. That and a potential opportunity to stay invested in the hope that this time he’s changed.
Then NML asks,
Does he miss you? Who cares? Well actually you do but if it’s a Mr Unavailable you’re wondering this about, it’s just another indication that you need to focus some of your energy dealing with your own issues so that you don’t wonder why people who don’t treat you with love, care, and respect are missing you and focus on gravitating to people that do.
Another possible dynamic
We like to think we matter. We like to think that if we disappeared from someone’s life, that our absence would have an impact.
So when we break up, we want that bozo to hurt. We certainly want the ex to hurt more than we do, because that means our leaving punished them. They did bad, now they have to live with the consequences. We succeeded in affecting their lives! Yeah!
The romance bully
So, where does this come from, this wanting that someone – anyone! – hurt, experience grief, remorse, regret? We might be indulging in simple “eye for an eye” biblical justice. We might be striking back for hurts that we blame on the ex.
This bullying, this “Be nice to me or I will hurt you again” hope to revive a connection, is an act of disrespect.
The Mommy authority
What if we thought that we could change the ex, use the pain of breaking up not as a bullying assault, but as a disciplinary action to train the ex to do better next time? What if we want to know if the ex is hurting – to gauge whether the training is over, if the ex “learned his lesson”?
This is still an act of vast disrespect. You aren’t his Mommy, you aren’t his trainer, his judge, jailer, or his drill sergeant. So you have no responsibility, and no right, to change his behavior. He is capable of learning, regardless of what you do. But you cannot impose training, change, improvement, or any behavior on him.
Vows and laws
One caveat. Marriage vows, religious teachings, and laws in general. When you enter into shared vows, then reminders about what is expected, what is right and proper, are expected. You are intended to support each other, to help watch out for small sins that lead to greater things. But there are limits. You are not responsible for your mate’s or partner’s behavior, and have no permission to apply discipline. You are responsible for yourself, errors that others make are their own responsibility.
Many faiths hold each believer responsible for reflecting back misdeeds and ill thoughts. This feedback is intended to nurture growth in faith of both parties. But it again has limits, no one is responsible for the acts and words of another.
The theory goes that laws are written to protect society. The reality is that most laws are written to support or protect some special interest, with some general overall good expected somewhere. We don’t punish law breakers. But we can choose whether to associate with criminals and those that see the world as “anything is legal as long as you don’t get caught”. Things like rape, abuse, illegal drug use, drunk driving, assault, etc. In many ways, reporting others for breaking the law is punishing them, betraying them. The alternative is that often more people get hurt when crimes aren’t reported. And you still have the choice whether to find a safer place, a safer community.
Has he learned his lesson?
This, I think, is the point that NML overlooked or avoided. Think how much more satisfying it would be, if the ex missed us so much, hurt so bad, that he saw the light and changed. That the ex learned his lesson.
That would make us a powerful teacher, and it would mean the ex would be ready to solve all the problems and keep all the good things we miss.
Be responsible.
Except we have no right, no authority, to “teach” anyone a “lesson” in life. Especially not someone we are intimate with. If we are responsible for our actions, we won’t split up as a game, a strategy to punish or change someone. We will break up because that is what we need to do, for our health, our happiness.
And we have to accept the consequences, that we will hurt and grieve the loss of someone from our lives.
We should wish the ex well – at least, well enough to stay away from us. And not look back too very much.
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