It’s About Making Babies!

NML makes a lot of sense at Baggage Reclaim. Sometime a thought she expresses gets me thinking. On her post on What is love and a good relationship?,

Loving someone requires commitment.

What is commitment?

It seems to me that commitment is something you discover, not something you plan or pledge.

I don’t think love is something you do, it is something that happens to you. “I love you” is a statement, that you are entangled in emotions and bonds with a person.

Commitment isn’t about what you intend to do, or changes you are or will make in your life. Commitment is about having already changed your life, so that what you think of your life now includes this other person.

A changed person, not a changed agenda

You aren’t monogamous or exclusive, when committed, because you choose to pass other hot babes or dudes by. You are committed because you don’t notice them as anything but distractions from life. They are just distractions from your life, the life you are living.

Yesterday when I expressed dismay over that awful 100 nails analogy, that is because that is the very image of “free” as in free of commitment. “Freedom only helps you say goodbye,” Karen Carpenter.

The commitment foible.

Asking someone to commit to a relationship is like asking someone to take a job. If they agree, you try it out. Sometimes it works out, sometimes one of you can’t get it to work. Getting a pledge or promise to be committed in the future, to be exclusive – is manipulative.

Because a pledge for the future is hopes and dreams – and maybe a compromise of integrity and honor, if you get pressured into something beyond your capacity to achieve. Or if you pressure someone into making such a pledge.

Does commitment exist?

Yep. Many times, the world over. Many good men and women live committed lives. Committed to work they find rewarding, committed to spouses and mates they are accustomed to and usually depend upon and cherish. Committed to spiritual paths and teachings, and to social and cultural philosophies, organizations, and communities.

Discovering commitment

Try it. If it works, then the commitment grows with the depth of bonds and strength of emotional ties, with the comfort and satisfaction of maintaining the relationship.

When you choose to spend time here, and pay less attention to what is over there - you are committed. And that is the point. Commitment is being engaged, mind and soul.

How fragile is commitment and love?

When the bonds are there, fairly robust. If your partner commits acts of disrespect – that hurts. That hurts you, your image of your partner, and your degree of involvement in the relationship.

Your boss might require overtime or an unusual assignment – if the story is compelling, it seldom bothers the relationship. But let the onerous intrusions become annoying, or frequent (as if you are taking up the slack, instead of the boss doing her/his job), and things get more fragile. You may expend more effort to avoid the intrusions, or even start considering a transfer or change in employer.

The committed focus

Dean Martin recorded a cute song, “Watching all the girls go bye.” There is a line, something about “there is no law against looking”. But looking, evaluating people on their sexual characteristics or imagined sexual responses – isn’t the sign of someone in a meaningful relationship. For one thing – picking out a sex partner without knowing the person is a short-term thing. Like kissing frogs, one might possibly turn into someone that would turn their lives around for them. No, I wouldn’t bet on it, and yes, I do think this is co-dependence waiting to happen, and a dare to the universe rather than interest in a home and mate.

Checking.

So, he asks, “Are you committed to this relationship?” and she pauses, “Damn, this really feels like home.” It just doesn’t get any better.

Brad K Dating, Interactions Boss, Commitment, Dean Martin, Karen Carpenter, Love, mate