It’s About Making Babies!

Grief is a process that the body goes through, the mind, the heart and spirit. The journey has certain classic stages, such as anger at the departed, denial, confusion and bewilderment – shock, acceptance, and healing. The body knows that one that used to provide certain pheromones and hormones through shared breaths or intimate contact is gone. The mind knows that a familiar someone is gone. The spirit knows that the binding is frayed, to one that had been a part of life.

When grief happens

We often recognize grief when one loses a loved one to death.

But the body is a simple organism in some ways. When the bindings are significant, the loss leads to grief – the process of recovering, of dealing with the loss and with living without the other.

Even when the loss is that we get dumped – when our sweetheart leaves us. Or if we throw out one that has been in our lives, hurtfully, but we finally decide to live without them. The separation, for whatever reason, creates a hole in our lives. Grief is the process our body, our minds, our spirits use to locate, and to explore, and to understand that hole.

Second chance – or flailing at the graveside?

NML encountered a visitor to Baggage Reclaim that knows the guy in her life is bad for her – he sounds like a perpetual dater, skilled in winning new bed partners and uninterested in being a man or part of a family. “blackgnat” wonders about details of her relationship, and how she knows he is bad, but keeps contacting and replying to him.

When a loved one dies unexpectedly, most of the time we want to undo the loss, to have our loved one back in our lives for a lifetime, or a conversation, or for a new start.

When the loss is more social than fatal, sometimes we get the opportunity to “undo” the loss. To make a second try at staying together. Which is where “blackgnat” is stuck. She understands that she needs to live without him, for her sons, for her own health and well being. Yet when he contacts her, or her hurt and denial get too cumbersome .. And all the healing is undone, all the pain is resurrected. Because she hasn’t dealt with her own demons, and he isn’t changing at all. Garth Brooks said it, “Some of God’s Greatest Gifts are unanswered prayers.”

Brown – Rihanna battering – and continuing relationship.

CNN’s Jane Velez-Mitchell commented on Brown-Rihanna case’s dangerous message

Yet less than a month after this ordeal, Rihanna has apparently forgiven him. Amazingly, .., Brown called Rihanna on her 21st birthday and the two then reunited for some time together …

We forgive the dead.

I heard a comment while serving in the US Navy – no on gets a bad transfer eval. An “eval” is a formal evaluation, comments and marks about how well you perform, your leadership, professionalism, your value as a member of the US Navy. I met one quite incompetent chief – “Chatty Cathy” had served in 13 commands, in 12 years in the Navy – each command got rid of him before the annual evals would have underscored his continuing lack of skill.

When we lose someone, we focus on our reaction. We no longer consider their motivation, how their actions affected us – the are gone from our lives, the only things of import are now our own healing, and our memories of the place they held in our lives.

In the Chris Brown/Rihanna case, Rihanna faced the loss of Chris Brown. She considered the pain and grief of losing him – and forgot his ability and escalating likelihood of killing her in his undisciplined rage.

Of course she wanted to take him back. She stood on the graveside of his loss, and frantically wanted to undo having him taken from her life. Her mind might understand her danger, but her heart and her body and her spirit all know the pain and chaos and change that will overtake her life, if he is sent to jail or she throws him out. Now, even while she is healing -

A Los Angeles County affidavit says Brown gave Rihanna a vicious and continuous beating. .. shoving Rihanna’s head against the passenger window, then punched her in the face numerous times while still driving. The beating reportedly splattered blood on Rihanna’s clothing and the car interior.

.. in between barrages of punches, Brown placed Rihanna in a headlock and bit her ear — still driving, mind you. After stopping the car, Rihanna says Brown again put her in a headlock. She said she began losing consciousness and as she fought back, he bit her finger.

No easy answer

Of course, many people make mistakes. When we part with someone, that parting might be warranted – but might be the wrong thing to do for the people involved. A second chance, an opportunity to “cheat death”, has saved many relationship, parent/child, between mates, friendships, and other relationships where parting for the wrong reasons can be resolved.

But each time, we have to consider whether we *should* cheat death, whether a “second chance” is morbid, or a grasp at a new life.

The problem Rihanna and blackgnat face, affects many people. They partnered with an unsuitable person. That hasn’t changed, that isn’t changing, and in life very seldom ever changes. Whether the drama has dragged out for 3 weeks or 30 years, that single fact, of picking the wrong mate-candidate, is the only important consideration.

Choose for life and for character.

When life drops you on center stage, when you have to decide the rest of your life – whether that other person will be part of the rest of your life – how do you decide?

Dunno. It is your life, the consequences will fall on your head, and shoulders, and heart – and maybe your grave.

Choose well. It is a matter of life and death.

If you chose to leave someone, or been discarded, and the chance comes to get back together – pause. Think. Do you respect this person, their friends and family? Do they have the skills and aptitude you would want for a good mate-prospect, and co-parent? Do remember and consider every act of violence, of moral weakness, of dishonesty and dishonor and disrespect. You are not considering someone to date or have a life with – you have a history with this person.

Assume that whatever negative things happened – violence, cheating, disrespect, theft, substance abuse – will continue. Promises don’t count, even if one or both of you change – change is chaotic. No one can predict what will result from change. But any substantial change in character or values – will almost certainly mean that their current friends and family (including you!) will be welcome in their new life.

Peace to all, especially to those battered by those they love.