It’s About Making Babies!

We pick controlling partners ..

On Baggage Reclaim, Anastasiya comments on NML’s post about “Being The Other Woman Revisited – It’s straight talking time.”

.. and I just wanted to tell you that all too often we tend to be attracted to controlling types because it is easy to mistake control for genuine care: we feel this is somebody who actually cares about us

But what if that isn’t all of it? What if the basic issue is something other than misunderstanding?

Christian marriage

Christian weddings that I have attended instruct the happy couple and the congregation that the husband is to be the head of the house, the head of the woman. That a wife’s duty, sworn before God and man, is to obey and cling to her husband, until death do them part.

Fairy Tales and Prince Charming

In Snow White and other fairy tales (I adore Shrek 3′s “Assume the position ladies!”) the handsome prince arrives, perhaps defeats the monster, and rides off with the prize – the damsel in distress. They don’t negotiate spaces, they don’t establish bathroom routines that interlock, they don’t haggle over finances.

In fairy tales and in the Church – “winning” the mate/husband/prince is the end of the story. There is nothing left to be done, by the lady in question, it all falls at her feet, or is prescribed for her. The decisions are complete. And they lived happily ever after.

So – do ya want control, or don’t ya?

Some families practice a form of “Dad is the main breadwinner” family. Mom’s role of primary child custodian and home manager, in many households, perpetuates this division of gender roles.

The difference between leadership (getting the task accomplished with the people and resources available, according to the US Navy) and controlling, might just be the difference between agreed upon goals and disagreement on goals.

Other articles on Baggage Reclaim include the memorable Hot Alpha Female post on You can be a ‘Nice Guy’ but I need you to keep your balls and be a ‘man’.

There is no way that we are going to stay with a guy who can’t stand up to us, who won’t make his own decisions, and who exists for the very approval of others.

Parenting

The parent has a responsibility to train and raise their child. A patriotic parent will raise their children to serve their nation; a religious parent will raise their children to serve and worship in their faith. A child should be taught some social basics – communication, respect and polite behavior, patience, discipline (the will to complete a task), and morals and ethics – right and wrong. Children should know about danger, about security, peace, and affection. A parent should help a child identify and prepare for a vocation. Some parents will be more or less successful in guiding their children in finding a mate, making a family and home, and participating in their community.

A parent has a responsibility to encourage correct behavior in the children in their custody, and to correct mistakes and incorrect behavior.

You don’t parent an adult.

The responsibility and latitude to correct another adult is quite limited. A boss or supervisor has company rule to enforce. Military chains of command have varying degrees of control over those in their charge. Corrections people, police, and courts have certain responsibilities to detect and punish misbehavior. Religious and secular teachers have a responsibility to instruct and correct their students.

Christian marriage, which seems to define the concepts for family and long term relationship couples in the US, clearly assigns the role of religious teacher and spiritual guide to the husband.

The problem.

I think a complaint of “controlling” is one of those facile mistakes we often make. Where a woman chooses an emotionally unavailable or abusive mate, and stays with them, the issue is seldom about coercion. They are often willing to go along with things, at least for astoundingly long periods of time.

But.

He doesn’t care about her goals, desires, and needs. He doesn’t know what she wants and needs.

Often he is self-centered. He figures that he is actively “getting” whatever he sets his sights on, and that so is everyone else. Whatever he can get away with is a sign of his “achievement” or “victory”, and anyone else is responsible for taking care of themselves.

Balance.

Imagine a spectrum, with “What is best for me, is the best choice” (“evil” in the Advanced Dungeons and Dragons Players Handbook, 2nd Ed. – i.e., selfish) on one end, and “What is best for the group is the best choice (“good” in the AD&D, 2nd Ed. Players Handbook, i.e. “selfless”) on the other end. Neither end of this spectrum is going to be much use, over the long haul, as a mate prospect. For most couples, there must be a balance between choosing for self, and choosing for the good of the family.

And the “controller” lacks balance. No sense of respect and empathy for others. For the abusive/EUM this is likely permanent. Other times the disregard and dismissive perspective, the manipulation and often deceit can be confronted.

What to do.

Anastasiya, it seems that many girls and women actively seek a guy to be the “head” of their family. Call it cultural baggage, fantasy, call it divine mandate, call it natural order, or call it a reasonable division of responsibility, I think many girls and women will continue to look to a guy to lead them to happiness.

A strong and thoughtful lady should be able to establish a give-and-take relationship. Each should have authority within their sphere of responsibility. Each should be able to meet most of their own needs, and depend on the other for respect, support, and help. Ideally. That way, neither feels “controlled”. They each have the ability to decide and do what is needed at each moment.

But it takes two people. Two people that agree on what the goal of the relationship is, that agree on division of responsibility. That respect and care for each other. In some areas of any relationship, one partner will be leading, the other following (that is, being controlled). When everyone agrees that they are headed in the right direction – only the progress is noticed.

In any case, you need a partner with character, honesty, and an ability to communicate. And you need to know yourself well enough, and to be assertive enough, to make your own choices about when to follow, when to confront – and when to walk away.

Nothing in life is really easy. Well, making mistakes is pretty easy, I guess, but they make more angst and effort.