It’s About Making Babies!

Karen asked about the guy she had just broken up with on BaggageReclaim.co.uk. It came about that he was divorced. No one ever knows the full story anyway, and I went off on this great tangent. Rather than wait and find out it doesn’t apply for Karen, here is my thought.

If he hasn’t been divorced for at least three (3) or four (4) years since the last regular contact with the ex-wife – he is still “hurting”, and not yet *available*. That isn’t his fault, just that it takes time to really heal.

It happens all too frequently that a recently divorced guy marries right away – he gets to jump right back in the saddle, he is married, life goes on, he doesn’t have to change. As long as the new bride is willing to pretend to be the ex-wife, to adapt to him and his relationship skills, it often works out. Remember, he didn’t know enough, wasn’t skilled enough, or didn’t care enough to keep his ex-wife happy, so the new wife better not expect much from him, relationship-wise.

If he heals, with time and separation from the marriage, he might be ready to learn something, to adapt to a new partner and a new relationship. But like NC (No Contact; recovering from dating an EUM or Emotionally Unavailable Man), there are no short cuts. Right after the divorce he is hurting (welcomes comforting), he is excited about meeting new women (sexing around the block), he is lonely (his regular bed partner as split [hopefully!]), and he is insecure (worries he wasn’t “man enough” for the ex-wife) and is eager to dispel his worries. That is, what looks like “vulnerable” is really “in denial”.

You will not find a divorced or long-time-dating guy that doesn’t have defenses against stuff you didn’t do, that doesn’t have battle wounds, that isn’t chasing the ephemeral “dream woman.” He knows about sex (or thinks he does), and is for-dead-certain-sure, proved-in-court, failed at living in a relationship. And if you start something too soon, you don’t give him time to learn from his mistakes. You let him skip over the months of “What did I do wrong?” straight to “How do I get her into bed?” Let him figure out some answers, first. He hasn’t learned anything from women in the past (mother, ex-wife or previous sex partners). He won’t be learning from you, either.

Just like with Baggage Reclaim No Contact rule, any contact resets the clock – all healing has to start over again. This is a big issue for divorces with shared custody, “cozy” visiting rights, and regular shared time – meals, bed time, activities, etc. What he says about things doesn’t count – we are each incapable of clearly understanding our own emotional state or relationships.

The best we can do for ourselves is to pick healthy (available!) partners, and to demand good behavior from ourselves and those around us.

Karen, just in case this guy was actually newly divorced – ask yourself why you wanted a fixer-upper, someone whose hurting should have been obvious. If you are a licensed psychiatric health provider you would know – it is immoral to practice on those close to you, bad for you, bad for him, and prone to horrific abuses. If you aren’t his Mommy, and you aren’t a health provider, you aren’t responsible for fixing him – and should want a healthy partner, not someone that might grow into a dream partner. That wouldn’t be fantasy – that would be cruel to yourself and to him.

That is, give the newly-divorced a pass.