It’s About Making Babies!

Anne asked NML at Baggage Reclaim, “Am I addicted to my lying, cheating ex Mr Unavailable?“. One statement that Anne makes caught my eye.

I’m dating, trying to move on but I could meet the most handsome, smart, caring man right now and it would do nothing for me. I compare everyone I meet to my ex-EUM who had all the qualities in a man that I ever wanted except for the fact that he’s an assclown but you know what I mean.

If you don’t follow Baggage Reclaim, this is a wonderful site for a group that is horribly too large – women with a pattern of picking men for partners – that are Emotionally Unavailable. The partners cheat, they lie, they deceive, they belittle and humiliate – they don’t care about their partners. Often they are married and the affected partner is the Other Woman. So the question that Anne asks applies strictly to a limited circumstance. For one thing, her partner has proven to be unsuitable for a relationship, lacks respect for himself and for her, and Anne has the issue – why did she let someone like that into her life?

This small part of the question that Anne asks, “I compare everyone I meet to my ex-EUM” seems particularly important, and applies to many healthy and unhealthy relationships. This phrase tells me a lot about Anne. For one thing, she isn’t ready to date – because she hasn’t completely left the old relationship(s).

It is natural to compare new acquaintances with people we know. And especially if someone has hurt us, like and Emotionally Unavailable Man (partner) would. We need to check to see that this new person isn’t a bad “type” of person.

And yet, when we date we should have the intention of marrying or at least making a long term relationship. And that means what is most important – is seeing that partner-prospect for whomever they really are. If you are thinking “He is as hunky as Chippendales dancer #3″ or “She is stacked better than Miss July”. (Yes, I just watched Under Siege again last night. What I like about the cake scene is that Segal closes her jacket about her, while staring her in the eyes.)

We had better be thinking, “I enjoy being with him” or “She is so wonderful it hurts.” If the thought is “She is more wonderful than even Judy,” you got a problem. Because when you compare two people – you are distracted. You cannot begin to engage, fully, emotionally when you acknowledge two or more people, even if one is “only” used for comparison.

For Anne, she isn’t ready to date. She doesn’t have enough control of her life, yet, to be able to direct who she is attached to. In the future she may choose to attach to a good man, or maybe wait to find herself attached. This is the princess and frog thing. A real woman would start out looking for a responsible partner, instead of hoping that magically this toad on her shoe will become something worthwhile in the mate department.

You can read the rest of Anne’s question, and the comments that address her question, on the Baggage Reclaim site.

Kira at 20-forty.com discusses Pornography and Relationships.

A tool.

A hammer is a tool. You can use one hammer to shape metal, another to pound nails to construct buildings or make a fence. The Beatle’s song “Maxwell’s Hammer” covers a macabre use for a hammer. You can use a hammer to separate parts stuck together to make a repair, or to demolish something. Like all tools, the hammer is used best when you choose the right hammer for the task, and develop the skill to know when and how to use it.

Porn – a broad topic.

Porn can be something like that. In many ways the term “pornography” or “porn” is about as specific a term as “hammer” or maybe even “tool”. Because there are a lot of different topics lumped in the category of erotic, sexually stimulating, material. Porn includes books, magazines, pictures, videos, home movies and production Hollywood epics (Remember “Linda Lovelace for President”? Hilarious, with Huck Phlegm and the gang.) With care, you can find individuals, couples, and groups enjoying sex – having fun. There are variations that focus on about any interest a provider thinks might interest *someone*.

An education.

For those new to erotic feelings and intimate relationships, pornography can inform, help to ease the transition from discovery to confident partner. See how some acts are done, reassure that some experiences might be more enjoyable than they sound, at first.

Some porn is hollywood production stuff, with idealized ‘super model’ type players and acrobats and clowns doing the performing. Yet many also show “successful” interactions between average type .. people. And this can be reassuring, to know that you don’t have to hold out for a Loni Anderson or a Burt Reynolds to enjoy sex.

OK, so Burt and Loni images are old. Look at their early movies. I mean “hold out for hot partners”, not “wait until you can’t tell see the dimples for the wrinkles.” Sheesh.

Stimulating.

And here we come to the assumption about porn. That the reason to pursue porn is for sexual gratification. And that is pretty much accurate, I guess.

But gratification varies from person to person. Some find porn therapeutic, a safe way to work through trauma or difficulties. Others use porn between partners, or as a hobby. Or a lifestyle.

Sharing vicarious stimulation (porn) isn’t all that new. There have been strip clubs, “Party” records and tapes, stag films – all make sexual stimulation a public event. Sharing as a couple is fairly new, culturally, in the United States. As women have expressed more interest in porn the amount of female-centric and couples-oriented material is more available.

Alternate Universe.

Some find porn to contain niches that focus on particular concepts, or acts, or body types. Pain, and thrills – danger.

All porn, by it’s label, violates accepted cultural taboos in the United States. Yes, sex is natural. It doesn’t necessarily follow that taking pictures of sex is natural. There are very few art exhibits or books written about human dung (poo), for one instance. We have taboos about rape, and tying people up. About sex outside marriage, or with “unacceptable” partners. And these all become niches of porn. Look at the headlines – despite world wide “crackdowns” by various law enforcement agencies, even Kiddie Porn still exists today, for those interested in creating or view such material.

There is “soft” porn – mostly about people frolicking in various (mostly accepted, plain vanilla) sexual acts. This violates taboos of watching others, engaging in sex to be watched, mixing up partners without emotional bonds or marriage.

There are “hard” porn and niches that often appeal only to those specifically drawn to that variation. And there are ‘variety’ venues that cross lines. Pick from commercial productions to home efforts. Magazines publish “letters” and “articles’ in widely varying categories from Unexpected Encounters to Voyeurism to Forbidden Fruit to groups.

Too much.

The joke goes: How much sex is too much? Answer: More than I am getting. (Response applies to everyone.) This could be asked of too much drinking, or too much smoking, or too much reading, or too much porn.

The psychologist in the CBS video clip that Kira includes in her post makes about the only reasonable definition for any addiction problem: When it begins to affect your family and/or work.

Humans are thrill seekers. We are hard-wired to repeat actions. There is little to discern between a “good work ethic” and a habit, or even an addiction. The major difference is degree of focus – how much pain and effort is required to change the behavior.

How much porn is too much? When is the attention given to viewing porn, or pursuit of finding porn, destructive? The time, effort, and resources we have available to devote to any activity is limited. What we devote to porn comes from something else. If, over time, we develop a great deal of skill at using or finding porn – that is time not spent building relationships with family and friends, with developing useful work or survival skills, or maintaining our responsibilities to self, family, and community.

One among many.

In that sense, of limited time to maintain and develop skills and responsibilities, porn competes with cell phone usage, texting, IM, emails, TV, blogs, YouTube (Will it blend? Numma Numa, etc.) and other electronic media to divert us from rich human experiences, well nurtured families, and strong communities.

Choose wisely.