It’s About Making Babies!

Anne asked NML at Baggage Reclaim, “Am I addicted to my lying, cheating ex Mr Unavailable?“. One statement that Anne makes caught my eye.

I’m dating, trying to move on but I could meet the most handsome, smart, caring man right now and it would do nothing for me. I compare everyone I meet to my ex-EUM who had all the qualities in a man that I ever wanted except for the fact that he’s an assclown but you know what I mean.

If you don’t follow Baggage Reclaim, this is a wonderful site for a group that is horribly too large – women with a pattern of picking men for partners – that are Emotionally Unavailable. The partners cheat, they lie, they deceive, they belittle and humiliate – they don’t care about their partners. Often they are married and the affected partner is the Other Woman. So the question that Anne asks applies strictly to a limited circumstance. For one thing, her partner has proven to be unsuitable for a relationship, lacks respect for himself and for her, and Anne has the issue – why did she let someone like that into her life?

This small part of the question that Anne asks, “I compare everyone I meet to my ex-EUM” seems particularly important, and applies to many healthy and unhealthy relationships. This phrase tells me a lot about Anne. For one thing, she isn’t ready to date – because she hasn’t completely left the old relationship(s).

It is natural to compare new acquaintances with people we know. And especially if someone has hurt us, like and Emotionally Unavailable Man (partner) would. We need to check to see that this new person isn’t a bad “type” of person.

And yet, when we date we should have the intention of marrying or at least making a long term relationship. And that means what is most important – is seeing that partner-prospect for whomever they really are. If you are thinking “He is as hunky as Chippendales dancer #3″ or “She is stacked better than Miss July”. (Yes, I just watched Under Siege again last night. What I like about the cake scene is that Segal closes her jacket about her, while staring her in the eyes.)

We had better be thinking, “I enjoy being with him” or “She is so wonderful it hurts.” If the thought is “She is more wonderful than even Judy,” you got a problem. Because when you compare two people – you are distracted. You cannot begin to engage, fully, emotionally when you acknowledge two or more people, even if one is “only” used for comparison.

For Anne, she isn’t ready to date. She doesn’t have enough control of her life, yet, to be able to direct who she is attached to. In the future she may choose to attach to a good man, or maybe wait to find herself attached. This is the princess and frog thing. A real woman would start out looking for a responsible partner, instead of hoping that magically this toad on her shoe will become something worthwhile in the mate department.

You can read the rest of Anne’s question, and the comments that address her question, on the Baggage Reclaim site.