Select a mate – or date? Pick one.
More and more I am coming to the conclusion that what you learn directly from a person is never sufficient. You have to allow for the considered judgment of people you respect, you have to take into account how other people in the other’s life view that person.
Avoiding people that are experienced and skilled at dating is an easy call – unless you want *nothing more* than a perpetual dater or a sex adventure. If you accept the fact that people don’t change, or at least, won’t change in a direction that brings a couple closer together, then picking someone that dates and dates and finds dates and dates others – has to be an easy call. A dating fiend will always be a fiend, and will continue thinking that life is a series of dates.
Online marriages
When I hear that one in eight married people today met online, I have to wonder about the breakdown. On the one hand, by filling out a profile, and by selecting a candidate based on a profile, the people involved might well be paying attention to character and discipline – deliberately selecting a mate, instead of a date.
I wonder about the couples that met online – how many relied on others to ‘verify’ their prospect? Is there a correlation between couples where both filled out a profile honestly and ability to stay married? How often does an honestly completed profile correlate to someone inexperienced and unskilled at dating?
Avoid the liars and gamers – the daters
Obviously the perpetual dater will be trying to game the system. Sites like AdultFriendFinder.com and others show there are plenty of people looking for sex adventures, rather than a mate. Sorting out the gamers and fibbers – as in “Must Love Dogs” – will be crucial to picking a mate, someone to share a lifetime with, someone to build a family with. Actually, MLD was pretty consistent and harsh about those that fake their profile not finding something lasting. Even if Must Love Dogs is a .. ahem .. chick flick.
In MLD, ultimately, the non-dating leads (Diane Lane and John Cusack) meet through friends. The casual acquaintances – the “pretty” prospects – for each turns out to be a shallow dater.
And I noticed that in MLD, the ones with the happiest prospects in their relationship – were attached to animals. One more measure of healthy emotional attachments. Not a key to success, but an important element – the ability to emote and relate is critical, not the animals themselves.
Old time mate-picking
Paul Harvey has a radio news program. In years past he tracked and honored couples married 70 plus years. Many of those couples started life in rustic and rural communities. They shared a small home, with few social contacts, for many of their early years. And many of them knew the other by reputation long before they came together to court and date. Their families knew each other, their small communities knew all about each of their families. And back then, before the mid-1960′s introduced “free love”, before the nightlife made popular by swing bands in the 1940′s and rock music and WWII veteran’s independence from parental control, people lived for a “reputation”.
The “reputation”
At one time, a reputation for engaging in sex outside marriage, for acting or dressing provocatively, for using vulgar language – could set one outside the bounds of “good families”.
The concept of “good family” and a modest reputation are the exception today, rather than the norm that they once were. Instead of the majority of social contact in the community being activities in the local church, under the discerning eyes of elder (disapproving!) women and the pastor, most of us live lives influenced by crass commercialized activities – designed to promote sales to singles instead of promoting families.
Reputation is about like the word “love”. Simple to define – what others think about a person. Yet it becomes a study in social conventions and community values to identify all the connotations of what a reputation can mean. A reputation develops and grows. A reputation becomes known to others. A reputation includes various qualities of character and choices of companions and activities. And all this will often be summed up in a “good reputation” or a “bad reputation”.
The goal
If the goal of bringing someone into your life is to have good sex, or “never be lonely again”, then you likely aren’t going to be looking closely at a prospective partner’s background.
If you really want a life-mate, someone to build a home and family with, then you cannot afford the time and distraction – and probable hurt – of getting “involved” with someone unsuitable. Which leads back to whether a prospect has a good character, a good reputation, and healthy emotional bonds.
And do you enjoy being with that paragon of virtues?
While I realize the “background” of a person can be revealing, I don’t think it’s necessary to know ALL about it. I do think it is necessary to spend at least a few years dating closely. Being in one another’s faces. You need opportunities to find out how they respond to things. Stresses will always arise. You need to know if those stresses (on both sides) will bring you closer together or pull you further apart. You need to find out if conflict can be faced and resolved and in what manner.
I don’t think there is a way to date proper candidates, except to be a good judge of character. And even then, there are masters of disguises out there.
But like I said, I think time is your best friend in these matters. Time always has something to say… eventually.
Cathouse Teri’s last blog post..Love? LORD ABOVE!! Now You’re Tryin’ To Trick Me In Love!
Cathouse Teri, I think we are contemplating different things. If you date a perpetual dater, someone that dates for social recreation, or even dates to look for someone for a long series of (mostly) “monogamous understanding” dates, then yes, it takes years. Years for the dating habits to grow dim and stale. Years to strip away the dating facade and discover the individual underneath. Years to teach him (her?) to be truthful, to be responsible – to meet your expectations of character.
Years to change.
And all the while, while dating – he is a guest in your bedroom. Or you are a guest in his. An invitation to leave is never all that far away. 35 years ago Karen Carpenter told us how “Freedom only helps you say goodbye.” A prolonged proving period prevents you from settling in, building a family, making a home where both feel they equally belong, where both are needed. Or it leaves one of you hanging when the other leaves suddenly.
A man that worked his whole life with his parents, in the same community, can be easy to get to know. His neighbors know how many speeding tickets he got, whether he ever tore up the local bar, whether he breaks hearts (someone to avoid, no matter *how* misunderstood he is) or got his heart broken. He will have lived his life in that kind of environment, and won’t have the least clue on how (or whether!) to hide things.
A loner that lives for the night spots, that is “successful with the ladies” – yep. You have to wait to see if he reforms, learns a few lessons in character and living honestly without the dating facade.
I figure that the best odds are that you will meet the “right” guy through friends or family, or that social or intimate engagements will *not* be your first topic of conversation. Meet at a bar or club or other singles event, and the conversation starts with variations on “Are you hear for a sex partner, too?”
Good points, Cathouse Teri. Thanks!
Yeah. I’ve dated all of those people you listed. I have to say that virtually all of the “weirdos” were those I met via friends, family or community.
I do not at all think it’s easier to know someone who is from your own “circle,” shall we say. I’ve known people for years, even grown up with them, and I had no idea that deep, dark, controlling side of them. Also, the man I married grew up across the street from a very good friend of mine. This fact did not help at all in the discovery of the fact that I had no business marrying him.
Cathouse Teri’s last blog post..Love? LORD ABOVE!! Now You’re Tryin’ To Trick Me In Love!
Cathouse Teri, thanks. Your experiences are not unique – I have a neighbor girl that married a high school friend, a wrestling star. I would not have wished him on her, and several years later she is still wrestling with the marriage. Then there was the Dixie Chicks song about good old boy Earl.
The part my neighbor’s girl skipped, and the part I feel is often overlooked, is truly questioning the presence of character.
We all have friends with quirks. It is tough, when someone we have known for several years turns out to pull out marijuana or coke occasionally – it is tough to say, “I can’t have that in my life, I can’t associate with you any more.” It is pointless to try to explain to them, “You are being harmful to me. I have to protect myself. Sorry.”
For a relationship, for a mate prospect, the point is not to know someone as an individual, but to really examine their character flaws. How comfortable are they with obeying the law, is their first impulse to respect the feelings and property of others, or does their approach to life include an edge of excitement – danger? Are they rebelling against their family, or escaping a bad situation? Do they prefer humor (requires pain and/or humiliation of someone) or joy? Do they have ‘cohorts in crime’ or do they have good friends? Are they more interested in being popular, or being honest, sincere, and respected? Are they working to establish themselves in a craft, or in establishing themselves with the “in” crowd?
There are good people in just about every trade and community I can imagine. If you want someone worthwhile to be there for a long time, consider that you really want to start building a family – and be sure that a mate prospect meets the requirements of a good mate and co-parent.
If a friend hands me a bag of apples or pecans, I am going to thank the. And I will still check for bruises, worms, and otehr damage. You mentioned the friends and family that recommended weirdos – are each of them in the habit of looking for character, or for ‘pretty’ or popular, instead?
Definitely good to judge a person’s character. Unfortunately, when we are young, we are often veri veri poor at this. Which is probably why we recomment that the young not get married, eh?
Cathouse Teri’s last blog post..Love? LORD ABOVE!! Now You’re Tryin’ To Trick Me In Love!