Dating Fatigue – To LisaQ
A lovely lady, LisaQ, writes that “I Need a Dating Time Out!“.
When I read her story, though, it seems she has been ‘looking’ for a good boyfriend almost the same way she looked when younger – hang out with singles, try to pair up with someone attractive, witty, cool, interesting.
Since then, I’ve met a couple of guys and both were so disappointing that I feel like just saying the hell with the whole thing. I’m sick to death of the process. Other than TDIB, I haven’t met a man in years, literally, that didn’t disappoint the hell out of me.
I have to feel for a person as tired and sad as that.
What do I know? I haven’t met LisaQ, but I know her daughter is responsible, respectable, and on speaking terms with her – signs of pretty strong character and a generally good person.
My problem is – I’m a guy. So my inclination is to address a problem, to want to make it better. So this won’t likely help LisaQ, but here goes.
First is the immediate problem – tired. Tired and possibly mild depression. Activity, a good rest routine (8 solid hours each night, dependable times, until rested, then 7:20). Balanced, appropriate meals at regular times. Restless? make sure things are cleaned, laundry, dishes, fall cleaning, paperwork and tax prep – not a night out. Avoid commercial TV – the ads interrupting the story disrupt your concentration, and the generally tawdry stories tend to erode self esteem. Be careful about DVD’s and movies.
Follow doctor’s orders about alcohol – a glass of red wine at night, to manage anti-oxidants and cholesterol. Eight glasses of water every day, 8 oz each, not more than two in a 60 minute period. Avoid caffeine, it takes over a week to detox on caffeine. Avoid nicotine – if you have been hanging with smokers, you will likely face withdrawals there, too. Remember the cooking chocolate brand, “Bakers Secret”? It turns out there was a Dr. Baker. He found a secret. Dark chocolate can benefit the health. In moderation. Like one square or 1/2 square per day. Take on an empty stomach, nibble slowly. Doing a Yoga ‘plow’ pose or standing on your head really isn’t necessary (just kidding).
And make a list of where you found a guy that disappointed you. Don’t list “this bar” and “that club” – list “bar” or “Place that served alcohol”. And don’t go to those places anymore. If you want to find someone that doesn’t disappoint, the odds are pretty good you won’t find him hanging out with those that do. And if you do meet someone good, you don’t want to be in the habit of hanging out where guys that disappoint hang out.
It is a cliche. Advice so hoary it grows whiskers. But it works. A pet. You can walk a dog, take it to obedience training (this is a very good thing to do, to make a change in your life. Borrow a dog if you have to.) A dog will tolerate more cuddling (most will), and the increase in activity and outdoor time helps distract you and makes the world more accessible.
When you feel happier with life, consider that a mate, a permanent date, or a casual bed partner aren’t the only ways to share your life. Most places need single foster parents as well as families. Most communities need volunteers, from reading coaches at elementary and high schools to substitute school teaching to visiting and ward clerking at hospitals. Take a non-intimate room-mate if you have an extra room. Invite some neighbors for dinner. Did I mention Yoga class, or other exercise or crafts class?
And, really, take care of yourself.
Blessed be!
I talk to every single person I meet on my walks who has a dog. That is a great idea. Dogs are just people magnets, they break the ice.
I agree to scartch the places where she’s met the diappointing men.
Does that include the internet ??? Cause I’ve hated it every time I’ve tried it (3 in the last 4 years) but some people think it’s great and I’m trying to keep an open mind.
Loving Annie,
Get the dog for the responsibility. Having custody of an animal changes your life – it binds you to a routine: feed morning and night, walk when needed, pay attention when they are around. A pet is more effective than a pet rock, because you get the immediate feedback (dogs) or feedback (cats) or just reassurance they continue to exist under your care (plants, fish, birds). OK, cockatiels and parakeets and parrots and macaws and Myna birds interact, too. Snakes? Think about the lady with the 13 foot python, a broken neck, and a note from Hubby “Give snake it’s medicine”. Nuff said.
You can cuddle a dog, bathe it, schedule vet visits. Buy food, chew toys, and discipline the dog – indoor messes of the chewing or “do that outside!” kind have to be taught, and enforced all the time.
You interact with a dog or cat to check it’s attitude – to assess whether you need training time for attitude. Disrespect always gets worse until someone gets hurt.
Do plan on obedience class. Most dog obedience classes focus on the person being disciplined. With discipline and communication – both ways – you can achieve any training and problem solving you need. Note this is a *life* skill – not something that make your dog poo outside, but something we all benefit from in all our work and personal and intimate relationships. Learn how your dog reflects your own respect and discipline – and watch yourself improve!
You can do about the same training a young horse – only the reward there is not getting your head kicked in or stomped. And all too often the ‘trainer’ is a training book or three.
If you really want a ‘quick fix’ to meet guys, check out how well that worked in the movies “Must Love Dogs” and “The Truth About Cats And Dogs”. Maybe you can be in a romantic comedy, too. Otherwise, get the pet for healing, to keep something living in your life, to distract you from despair, and to remind you of simple pleasures.
Brian Williams on his Daily Nightly blog pointed to a video going around – that points out India has more Honors students than the US has students, and in the 4 minutes, 30 second video there would be 67 babies born in the US, 290 in China, and 395 in India. Also 1 in 8 couples married in the last year met online.
I would network a solution. Find a bunch of happily married women, and check where they met their husbands (only the current husbands, you already know about the ones that don’t work out!). Let them know you are interested in settling down. If any online sites get mentioned, check them out. I am sure there is gaming and risk on all sites, but if you can narrow the lists to one that has worked for *someone* better than just an overnight hookup, that has to be a good start.
Luck!