I guess I fall back to my ‘don’t explain’ advice. When she asks for your opinion, keep it to 10 words or less, and keep it to the point. “He is deceiving you.” “He doesn’t respect you.” “He is undisciplined – aren’t you afraid he’ll be hitting you, next?” “Sounds like he is on a perpetual date. Is that all you want?” OK, the last couple are arm-pit deep meddling, and push the 10 words limit. But still.

Otherwise, wish her well, and don’t speak of her guy if you don’t have to.

Perhaps your calmly stated belief of the reasons he is unable to be a mate will eventually register. She is as bound into an Emotionally Unavailable cycle as he is, and she will only change when she decides to.

@Loving Annie, Language is expressive. But fully and truly describing ourself, expressing intentions, and morals and character, in a clear, meaningful way takes a lot of specific skill and practice. Most people come close, but then most people are shy on the skill to understand someone’s character from a clear, concise, factual description. Although most people come close, most people rely on interpretive labels – assclown, EUM, jerk, bar toad.

Which is why I suggest double dates only, and buddying up when not on a date. That way the risk of going were EUM’s hang out will be easier to avoid, if both are wary. That way iffy behavior can be observed and you have someone to compare notes with.

The danger for someone that has a history with EUM’s isn’t as obvious as a biker bar or a dark alley. It takes a different awareness of how EUM’s and other perpetual daters operate. And it is worth the added logistics and loss of privacy when a cuddle would feel nice, to avoid that particular danger.

Consider it a training exercise. After three years or so of taking a buddy, helping spot EUM hangouts and activities, you might consider yourself ‘trained’, and qualified for occasional solo outings!

And yes, a friend will ALWAYS know if a guy is scummy before you do on your own – they aren’t influenced by chemistry or hope, so definitely tell them the truth and ask for feedback as to whether they guy appears to be upfront and treating you right – without making any excuses when/after your friend speaks her – or his – mind.

What you have to do is make sure you are living a life where you have some strong, developed friendships. There is safety in numbers. We really are accountable to one another to provide oppportunities for growth and health. In all areas of our lives. But this sort of safety is found in small numbers. Very few people we know really care about our well being. They are often confused about why they want the pleasure of our company. And are also often confused about why they want you to date (or not date) someone.

Yes, in general, when the big red flag finally does show up, it’s far too late to warn someone. But the reality is that even if we had seen it earlier, we are of a society that just does not develop this sort of “checks and balances” system for our mental health. That is why there are so many self-help books out there! We want help, but we don’t want to have to invest in actual relationships to get it!

When our lives are woven through the lives of others (not entangled) then we already have the inner strength that we have found in our own understanding of that, and we also have the benefit of those who know us well and can back us up in weak moments.

Still, if someone does take your advice, I’ve no doubt it will help a great deal.