So, what *do* you do with a drunken sailor??
What to do with a drunken sailor? The *best* thing - is to avoid the problem in the first place.
In the Navy
We were taught in the Navy, when disgorged in astounding numbers from ships in unsavory or foreign ports, to ‘Buddy Up’. The buddy system. It works. Take a buddy along, and three-fourths of the stupid, ill-conceived and ignorant notions get a laugh, instead of jail time or worse. You have someone right there with you, and most of the time the ‘is this really going to be worth the risk?’ shenanigans just don’t happen.
What they told us was that buddies help ward off the predators looking for lone, lost, single victim-candidates. The Buddy System almost completely solved that problem, too.
For civilians, too.
What reminded me of the buddy system, is that it applies to social situations in civilian life, too. For reducing the number of bad choices to avoiding predators, the Buddy System is pretty effective.
Friends vs. Dating Stupid
lisaq on LookingForLisa writes today on “Friends Don’t Let Friends Date Stupid“. Lisaq advocates calling friends on sour relationships when their partner encourages them to dump friends. Wait, that sounds tangled up. Suppose your friend is seeing this guy, and she starts dumping friends - She needs a reality check, because that is one of the harshest red-flag signals of an ego-destroying, emotionally damaging relationship. You *have* to confront the friend.
What bothers me most about this scenario, is that it comes so very late in the sequence. By the time you notice the dumping, the friend has already invested heavily in this new relationship. It is no longer a matter of observing facts - you have to seduce the friend away from the new guy in order to raise a question about the values the guy represents. That is a long and fragile path to helping your friend. Good or bad, no one appreciates interference in their love life.
Buddy Up!
I think you need several good, trusted friends before you are allowed to date. But let’s consider a Buddy System for dating.
The scenario: You have already suffered one or more EUM (Emotionally Unavailable Man) relationship, or know someone that has. You are aware that EUM’s are habit forming and bad for your health, well being, and besides the jerks are disrespectful.
The problem: What to do? You want to avoid getting sucked in by the wrong type of guy - a guy that won’t be part of a healthy life, will not be interested in a long-term relationship (just an endless date).
One approach: Buddy up!
The strategy
- Designate your buddy. Sit down with one or more of your best, trusted friends. A trusted friend is one that will be the Designation Driver or Designated Conductor (when taking public transportation), and you never, ever doubt she will stay bone-dry the entire outing. Someone you would ask to drop your boyfriend off somewhere, and she returns talking about what they talked about, instead of traffic or why she has a dreamy look in her eye. Trusted, respectful, and aware of the world around her.
- Establish that you will go cruising, shopping, taking time off, attending parties, etc. together - most especially and most firmly, at any event that there might be guys, or alcohol.
- Any dates will be double dates, with your buddy. There will be no understandings, no ‘ditching’, no private moments.
- Establish that you are trying to avoid a specific predator. You want to practice sane and healthy social experiences, while avoiding anything approaching “Emotionally Unavailable”.
- Agree that either of you can throw a guy out of contention, for displaying one of these red flag signals:
- Disrespect - of himself or others
- Deceit - shady acts, oily-smooth arguments, dubious morals
- Threats - any feeling of danger, of hostility, of temper - of lack of discipline. Tantrums are for two year olds. After age four, it takes a state penitentiary to turn it around, and only works for 15-20% of them. (Note: These numbers are Dilbert Stats - made up, since made-up numbers are 78% as useful as actual numbers.)
- Great date - way too experienced at pickups, making you feel comfortable and intimate (or even aroused) way too soon. People that get too experienced at winning bed partners keep doing it all their lives. Is that what you want from your next (last?) Significant Other?
- Agree that no one will explain to a guy being dropped about the reason. A simple, “Thanks for the evening/event/time together, but I don’t care to see you again.” And go No Contact Rule (per Baggage Reclaim rules) on the guy (that is, the predator you detected).
- Your buddy won’t have to report to the Chief why you didn’t make it back to the ship, too. Be sure that you let your buddy know you are depending on them to save your life.
Be vigilant! and Be Safe Out There!
This may seem stringent, or silly, or paranoid. And maybe you can be your own buddy. But do please keep yourself safe from the predators out there.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:33 am
When I lived in Florida, my best friend and I would keep our eyes on the other out at bars or clubs, and if either of us saw the other with an unworthy and suspected that beer goggles may have gotten in the way of rejecting that person, we’d whisper “not our lane” in the other’s ear, and they’d know to ditch him.
August 14th, 2008 at 11:35 am
That’s a cool plan!
But I don’t think it’s gonna happen.
You’re on the right track, though.
What you have to do is make sure you are living a life where you have some strong, developed friendships. There is safety in numbers. We really are accountable to one another to provide oppportunities for growth and health. In all areas of our lives. But this sort of safety is found in small numbers. Very few people we know really care about our well being. They are often confused about why they want the pleasure of our company. And are also often confused about why they want you to date (or not date) someone.
Yes, in general, when the big red flag finally does show up, it’s far too late to warn someone. But the reality is that even if we had seen it earlier, we are of a society that just does not develop this sort of “checks and balances” system for our mental health. That is why there are so many self-help books out there! We want help, but we don’t want to have to invest in actual relationships to get it!
When our lives are woven through the lives of others (not entangled) then we already have the inner strength that we have found in our own understanding of that, and we also have the benefit of those who know us well and can back us up in weak moments.
Still, if someone does take your advice, I’ve no doubt it will help a great deal.
August 14th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I think once you are truly aware of what an EUM does - it is easier to spot if you are vigilant.
And yes, a friend will ALWAYS know if a guy is scummy before you do on your own - they aren’t influenced by chemistry or hope, so definitely tell them the truth and ask for feedback as to whether they guy appears to be upfront and treating you right - without making any excuses when/after your friend speaks her - or his - mind.
August 14th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
@Cathouse Teri, I see we are thinking along the same lines. The people that need the most protection, are at the worst risk of falling for an emotionally unavailable dead end - need the most to consider forming healthy and supportive bonds. My hope is that people form cliques of good character, avoiding those of poor character, poor morals - the assclowns.
@Loving Annie, Language is expressive. But fully and truly describing ourself, expressing intentions, and morals and character, in a clear, meaningful way takes a lot of specific skill and practice. Most people come close, but then most people are shy on the skill to understand someone’s character from a clear, concise, factual description. Although most people come close, most people rely on interpretive labels - assclown, EUM, jerk, bar toad.
Which is why I suggest double dates only, and buddying up when not on a date. That way the risk of going were EUM’s hang out will be easier to avoid, if both are wary. That way iffy behavior can be observed and you have someone to compare notes with.
The danger for someone that has a history with EUM’s isn’t as obvious as a biker bar or a dark alley. It takes a different awareness of how EUM’s and other perpetual daters operate. And it is worth the added logistics and loss of privacy when a cuddle would feel nice, to avoid that particular danger.
Consider it a training exercise. After three years or so of taking a buddy, helping spot EUM hangouts and activities, you might consider yourself ‘trained’, and qualified for occasional solo outings!
August 15th, 2008 at 5:18 am
Unfortunately this isn’t the first time I’ve had conversations about this guy with my friend. She just doesn’t want to see it…and it’s only a little over a month old. Even more sad is that we had many of the same conversations about the previous EUM she was seeing. After she finally dumped him (1 1/2 years later), she said that she wished she had listened to me when I expressed doubts about him. And yet, here we go again….
August 15th, 2008 at 5:55 am
That is tough. You aren’t her parent or teacher, or anyone else that has ‘custody’ of her, or responsibility for training her or protecting her from danger. So there is very little you can do.
I guess I fall back to my ‘don’t explain’ advice. When she asks for your opinion, keep it to 10 words or less, and keep it to the point. “He is deceiving you.” “He doesn’t respect you.” “He is undisciplined - aren’t you afraid he’ll be hitting you, next?” “Sounds like he is on a perpetual date. Is that all you want?” OK, the last couple are arm-pit deep meddling, and push the 10 words limit. But still.
Otherwise, wish her well, and don’t speak of her guy if you don’t have to.
Perhaps your calmly stated belief of the reasons he is unable to be a mate will eventually register. She is as bound into an Emotionally Unavailable cycle as he is, and she will only change when she decides to.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Funny thing is that I taught my children that dating is for married people. It’s NOT a way to get to know people. That is what COURTING is for. You should get to know people in environments which include other people, not just the two of you. But alas… we are not of a culture which promotes this. In the dating world, it is much too easy to be deceived. By either party. We worry about the big predators, but we have many emotional casualties because we refuse to see the danger of one-on-one dating. And minds and hearts get warped.