It’s About Making Babies!

NML wrote a good article on Baggage Reclaim, Does Emotionally Unavailable Equal He is just no that into you? That was May 3, 2007 - a year ago. Only in the last couple of weeks the responses have been unveiling more recent stories of ladies being confused and hurt by guys that aren’t emotionally involved.

debbie asks angry, shouted words her guy used when she confronted him.

To debbie: Apparently we see things differently. I understand why he didn’t use the words, “It is over.” Where you see him leaving a door open - I see that he thought is was *long* over already. There was no need for him to talk about something ending when it was already gone for him.

Remember that women are much smarter than men. Women can talk about emotions in a useful, intelligent fashion. Men communicate in well-placed grunts and pokes. You are expecting well-thought out, pithy words from the heart. A discussion that is meaningful and every word a poet’s life work. You cannot listen to men that way, it will *always* get you in trouble. Get a guy writing poetry (poetry is prose, or writing, with a higher information density) and you can take the words apart, analyze the meanings, and accomplish something useful.

When a guy stands on the altar and says “I do,” that is different. By law and by custom, that public vow is short, public so that the community witnesses (in the legal sense) the vow, and the vow is recorded with public records and certified to the state. Very, very few other words that a man speaks can ever be taken as literally again in his life.

Men tend to speak to support the current activity (remember, never hold words spoken an our before or a half hour after an orgasm - or the expectation of an orgasm - against the guy, because they were spoken with an agenda, not with heart). There are exceptions, but assume that a guy is always speaking of the ephemeral moment - don’t analyze the words because they don’t carry that much meaning beyond the immediate surface.

And what if I am wrong? What if he really meant, “Leave me alone at work!” or “Leave me alone today!” or even “Leave me a lone when I have my clothes on!”? It really doesn’t matter - what he might be leaving the door open to is misery, confusion, and endless hopelessness for you - while he gets to keep a casual playmate. He doesn’t ever want to be a man in your life that you can depend on. His words express anger and disrespect - he is intentionally using words that hurt to get his way at the moment. But with the time you have spent in his company, that shouldn’t be happening.

You are not married to this guy. That is fact, solid fact. This is still the casual part of the relationship, no matter how many weeks or years you have dated, what intimacies you have shared (outside a mated relationship!). Casual, as in ‘just visiting’. His responsibility, to himself and to you, is to enjoy himself when he is with you - if he doesn’t enjoy time with you, then he is supposed to be a man and leave, not take advantage of whatever he can get from you. Your responsibility during the casual part of the relationship is to make his time with you fun for him. If he isn’t having fun, you aren’t doing your job. If you don’t flat-out *enjoy* making him happy, then you are the one responsible for ending things.

Does this mean women end relationships, while men abandon them? Maybe, but I see each gender doing as badly as the other at ending dates and relationships. If he doesn’t realize that making a date happy makes his time with her more enjoyable, then he is too stupid to make babies with.

This is casual time in your relationship, not a lifetime mated family you are trying to keep together. You aren’t having fun, so you have to leave him to himself. If you don’t feel casual about him, then you let yourself get intense out of turn. Next time, keep the priorities straight - find a guy, assess his character (reject him if he doesn’t measure up), get to know his family, friends, and emotional strengths (and reject him if he doesn’t measure up), figure out if you enjoy his company enough to build a family with him (and reject him if he doesn’t measure up). As you can see, I find the first step, ‘find a guy’ to be the single most important part.

Finding a good man of good character takes work. When solving a family problem, look for solutions among families. Rely on the advice of *married* women (happily married women would likely be more fruitful, you are looking to avoid unhappy surprises). Try to show respect to yourself and others, be honest and honorable. Choose to avoid casual contact with people that aren’t honest, respectful, honorable, and choose good people to spend time with.

Do this for a couple of reasons. You want a man of good character, one that will not be lost if you want to make a family with him. But such a guy is looking for a woman that respects herself and others. You cannot hang around jerks and loses, without learning how they view themselves and the world, and looking like you share their character flaws. So you want to look like good life-partner material. You want people of good character to help you find someone of likewise good character.

You have to leave behind the habits and view of the world that this guy found attractive, before a good man will notice you.

This entry was posted on Monday, July 21st, 2008 at 9:12 am and is filed under Advice, Dating. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.