Is a guy shallow - or is it the ‘casual’ in casual sex?
@annied, comments at Baggage Reclaim, and is upset about a truism that I related. This occurred on a post about Ami, who left a guy that wasn’t good for her, then backslid one night - and was upset he just walked away. Annied’s comment was “annied on June 28th, 2008 5:09 pm”.
I paid good money for the seminar that made this statement, that sex for men is stroking their ego, for women it is building bridges.
The comment that shook AnnieD was
Sex builds bridges for women, builds bonds and ties and binds lives together. Men are different under the covers, wishing won’t change that
This refers to the immediate effect, early in the relationship. Long term, I think it works out about the same for men and for women. The relationship, including the intimacy, will either satisfy or disappoint one, causing one to either stay or leave.
I don’t think it could be any other way. Our society still pays lip service to virginity and chastity. So a guy that gets to share sheets with a woman receives a gift - a gift of intimacy, a gift of a shared orgasm. Or, looked at another way - a purchased event. You have to entertain for three dates before you might ‘get lucky’ - so getting lucky must be the payoff for a social transaction. He paid good ’social’ coin for this orgasm. If it was really good, then he made a wise investment, and he will be proud of his transaction.
We advertise booze and gambling and cosmetics and fragrances and clothes by their ability to bring on ‘getting lucky’. These are all purchased things.
Sharing dinner, movies, cultural events, these are all on the list of dating activities that, if successful, ‘buy’ your way closer to a shared orgasm.
It isn’t that way for everyone. Arranged marriages avoid it. Most couples that ‘wait’ until the marriage ceremony avoid it. Anyone *could* avoid it, I believe, if they pick their partner by their character, their ability to function as a mate and co-parent, and by their intent to form a family. Then, for man and woman, the sex is a fundamental part of the family - not a pre-qualifier for a relationship.
Without the family focus, the guy knows he is there on suffrance. She needs to be kept happy, in bed and out, essentially, if he wants a return invitation. A guy climbs into bed with a date on trial. He is focused on the act, on his reactions, and what the event (and transactions leading to *the deed*) mean to him. Sex strokes his ego if it works great, disappoints otherwise. If he liked the gift, he will work on the next invitation.
When both partners *live* in the same bed, the sex is about sharing, about daily issues. When one is *visiting*, the time for the visitor is spent in enjoyment.
Some people never get past visiting. Emotionally unavailable, immature, low self esteem, deceitful or other character flaws - or just unsuitable for this companion. They never develop the skills, the aptitudes, and the character to be a co-parent and mate. Most of the problems will surface early on. And professional daters never notice the difference, to them there is only casual sex.
I recommend annied avoid visitors, and her love will take care of itself.