It’s About Making Babies!

Should shyness, or fear, prevent you from dating an otherwise honest, dependable person?

So there I was, reading (again!) Tamora Pierce’s YA fantasy, “Terrier (The legend of Beka Cooper)“. Beka is a trainee Dog – city patrol – and is shy about speaking in front of people.

I mean, on Baggage Reclaim, Hot Alpha Female just wrote about traveling with a guy that disappointed her for not being helpful. And I wrote about how there are various reasons the guy might have been slow to offer.

And then I happened to pick up Beka.

Two thoughts come to me about the travel incident. The first is that shy is another name for fear. Fear of being noticed (you don’t get punished or criticized if you aren’t noticed, nor attacked). Fear of looking foolish or incompetent or stupid. Fear that others will see that your low feelings about yourself are justified.

We should encourage everyone. Those that are fearful should be encouraged by our example, by our honest appreciation, by the way we value their knowledge and their assistance. Over time, this lets many people accept that they have worth that outweighs their fears. That we value their help and their knowledge. As they get used to the acceptance, over time, sometimes the fear and shyness subside.

At least, they may overcome part of their fear, until someone criticizes them and reinforces their fear.

The other thought I had was, does this mean that women looking for an honest, dependable man won’t take a chance on someone shy? Someone that isn’t experienced (and proud of his skill) at jumping from bed to bed and picking up new bed partners on a regular basis? HAF’s guy might have been confused by a generation gap in their ages, as to what behavior HAF considered appropriate. Or he might have been used to (trained to) follow the woman’s lead.

I know, you cannot ‘fix’ everyone. But we all need to know that we affect those around us. We either feed their fears or we encourage their growth. For the bold lady, where the rest of the guy’s character is sterling, why should a shy demeanor make a guy unsuitable?

Oops. I forgot. The ‘proper’ image is ‘shy maiden’. Gag me with a spoon. Proper social conduct, some years past, was that the bride at the wedding ceremony (and her whole life before that) should be virgin (maiden), and shy. The shyness was supposed to reinforce her air of virginity, her lack of experience with sex, and also her fear of the new responsibilities, and especially of the sexual encounters her husband-to-be will demand to get her with child. 150 years ago, that first childbirth was still a fearful event, with much less medical understanding and much less medical availability than we have today, and a lot more risk of dying for both mother and child.

Oh, and shy or fearful people are creepy. They watch everything and everyone around them. Their fear makes them be aware of what others are doing, how they feel. How creepy would a partner be, that was aware of what you are doing, what you need, and focused on you instead of himself? Well, maybe that wouldn’t be too bad. With some effort, a person might get used to it, and with acceptance the shyness and fear might improve. Besides, most of our concern about being watched is .. shyness? Fear?

So, since the time of women’s liberation, since medical advances (especially birth control and condoms and safe sex), is ‘shy’ still a ‘girly’ thing to find in a guy? I don’t recall John Wayne ever disparaging a shy guy. Bandits, hoodlums, and bullies, yes, they belittled everyone that wasn’t part of the gang. Are we looking for a mate, or a victim to brutalize?

So there are two things that bother me about this. The first is that otherwise exemplary guys are being turned away for bad reasons. The second is that there are people that aren’t accepting responsibility to encourage everyone around them, that jump to conclusions and belittle others when they should be part of the solution.