Comments on: The cost of change http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2008/06/17/the-cost-of-change/ Dating, marriage, divorce, family -- and what sex is and isn't. Sat, 22 Nov 2008 09:48:56 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 By: Brad K http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2008/06/17/the-cost-of-change/#comment-10431 Brad K Thu, 19 Jun 2008 03:38:08 +0000 http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2008/06/17/the-cost-of-change/#comment-10431 NML, I think what I find most disturbing, is that Hallie proved to be a source of change to those around her. Because she wasn't managing that change that she chose, the trauma to friends and family was unexplained and misunderstood. It is easy to state, now, that her mother was horrid, and her friends weren't worthy. Hallie might well have chosen to form a different relationship with her mother and other family members, and she might well have chosen to withdraw from her current friends. Now we will never know how it might have worked out. I think it would be better if Hallie had been able to avoid causing the pain and anger and change in her relationships. Does this mean someone starting the No Contact Rule should be warned not to tell friends and family about her progress? That might avoid a certain amount of angst. Yet it is an incomplete answer. We need trusted friends to help us make better choices in life, so keeping mum about the biggest changes in our lives has to be self-destructive. Online forums and blogs can be a big help, and keep things semi-anonymous, too. And yet.. I believe I will continue to recommend formal grief counseling for those dealing with the end of a relationship. Right now I can't think of anything better. NML, I think what I find most disturbing, is that Hallie proved to be a source of change to those around her. Because she wasn’t managing that change that she chose, the trauma to friends and family was unexplained and misunderstood.

It is easy to state, now, that her mother was horrid, and her friends weren’t worthy. Hallie might well have chosen to form a different relationship with her mother and other family members, and she might well have chosen to withdraw from her current friends. Now we will never know how it might have worked out. I think it would be better if Hallie had been able to avoid causing the pain and anger and change in her relationships.

Does this mean someone starting the No Contact Rule should be warned not to tell friends and family about her progress? That might avoid a certain amount of angst. Yet it is an incomplete answer. We need trusted friends to help us make better choices in life, so keeping mum about the biggest changes in our lives has to be self-destructive. Online forums and blogs can be a big help, and keep things semi-anonymous, too. And yet..

I believe I will continue to recommend formal grief counseling for those dealing with the end of a relationship. Right now I can’t think of anything better.

]]> By: NML http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2008/06/17/the-cost-of-change/#comment-10419 NML Wed, 18 Jun 2008 09:36:35 +0000 http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2008/06/17/the-cost-of-change/#comment-10419 What an absolutely brilliant post and I will do some posts on managing change and an 'emotional plan'. What I tend to see with the women I come across is that if they are in a bad relationship, it's not the only area of dysfunction, so they may have poor friendships, poor family relationships, or just a tendency to give too much and allow people to take advantage. When I changed my attitude, I found that I didn't want to be around certain people any longer or that I had to have a frank discussion because people are comfortable with what they know so they like the relationship that they have with you. I have found some of Hallies parents attitude with my own mother who has implied that I flaunt my happiness by..well being happy. I think if we act with care and thought, it goes a long way, but ultimately, if people are only comfortable with you when you're on the down, I have to question what the value of these people are in your lives. That said, no-one wants to find themselves alone as a result of being happy and so when it comes to family and friends, it's better to involve them in your shifted life as opposed to assume they are along for the ride. Great post! What an absolutely brilliant post and I will do some posts on managing change and an ‘emotional plan’. What I tend to see with the women I come across is that if they are in a bad relationship, it’s not the only area of dysfunction, so they may have poor friendships, poor family relationships, or just a tendency to give too much and allow people to take advantage. When I changed my attitude, I found that I didn’t want to be around certain people any longer or that I had to have a frank discussion because people are comfortable with what they know so they like the relationship that they have with you. I have found some of Hallies parents attitude with my own mother who has implied that I flaunt my happiness by..well being happy. I think if we act with care and thought, it goes a long way, but ultimately, if people are only comfortable with you when you’re on the down, I have to question what the value of these people are in your lives. That said, no-one wants to find themselves alone as a result of being happy and so when it comes to family and friends, it’s better to involve them in your shifted life as opposed to assume they are along for the ride. Great post!

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