It’s About Making Babies!

NML on Baggage Reclaim may be mixing apples and oranges. She writes about “Bad Relationship AND Bad Sex - Say what?“.

It is possible we are looking at all ‘bad’ relationships, and thinking they are all about the same level of ‘bad’. Crystal at Boobs, Injuries, and Dr. Pepper is recounting the early story of her love-life. Horrendous reading, not safe for work, nor for the weak of stomach. Gut wrenching, bad stuff.
http://boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com/2008/04/crazy-chronicles-part-21-ugliness-in.html

And I think her story falls into line with what NML is encountering. Crystal escaped from her situation - she confronted the guy and he bailed out on her.

The guy was abusive, dishonest, deceitful - but what I saw was that he was confused, scared, and too arrogant to find a real answer. He was still playing the high school ‘getting by’ game. Thinking from allowance to allowance, never farther ahead that what toy to play with, or drug or alcohol to be ‘bad’ with. He used Crystal in his game. After getting his family to take her son away, branding her ‘unfit’, this particular story carries them to try again in Reno. Remember, Crystal is recounting her teen years - 15, 16, after having Devon and after this guy got her/his son taken from her.

I make no excuses for the guy. But I do see the pattern. Childish begins the description.

Look at Crystal’s relationship. She longs for the good sex - she tries to cuddle, to engage many times in this story. And it isn’t the sex keeping her there.

Sociologists tell us that in the hierarchy of concerns, food, shelter, and security come before sex. And I think in the socially-acceptable, personally degrading bad relationships, the sex might be a factor in prolonging the agony.

But in the uncivilized bad relationships, the concerns are elevated - to security, to food, to shelter. Neither party is thinking about sex as a component of the decision of ‘what do I do next.’

If one party in a relationship either lacks the common understanding and background to act ‘civilized’ in the culture they live in, then the relationship must define it’s own culture. Culture answers needs such as how to work together to get most people fed, most people under shelter, protect some of the people from harm - and decide which people get food, get shelter, get safety. Only, if someone is uncivilized, they aren’t likely to be wise enough, or experienced enough, to devise a workable culture. Instead, they fall back and become parasites on their parent culture. The damage those they encounter, and contribute very little of value.

Most of us encounter mostly-civilized guys with warts, ignorance, arrogance, even meanness. If the relationship exists within a culture, then we should look to the relationship and ask, “Is this good for both? If not, why does it continue? Why doesn’t someone look for something better?” And sex might be one bonus that helps someone decide they are unwilling to lose what is at hand, that they have already (mostly) adapted to. Are they ready to leave what they have, and try to build or find something different that might not be as bad? That can be tough for outsiders to relate to.

But for the uncultured clowns, that attract with their rebellion, with their skirting of danger, lack of concern about authority - this gets rough. In next to no time the fun wears out, and the concern is getting from moment to moment safely, getting the next meal or shelter. For people worrying hour to hour, sex no matter how great could be enough to matter one way or the other. I imagine the homeless similarly focus on the food, the shelter,the safety, and only when that is secure, worry about friendship and relationships and groups and families.

Someone leaving an uncivilized relationship will also encounter culture-shock on top of everything else. Talk about disorienting - establish secure food, shelter, and safety, and actually feel secure in that - that has to be tough.

I see a distinct difference between cultured, predatory ‘players’, the professional daters, the people highly skilled at picking up intimate partners - and the uncivilized parasites. The solution is the same - run away fast, run to trusted friends, run to family, run to a battered women’s shelter. And ask for help in building a new life - one free of the bonds and barriers, with the possibility of joy each day. While the answer is the same, the process for recovering, and the point to decide to leave, are very different.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 1st, 2008 at 10:09 pm and is filed under Dating, Interactions, Learning, Society. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.