It’s About Making Babies!

OK Girls. Imagine this. You dig through your closet, and pick a nice outfit – nice as in, ‘least likely to make Dad frown, when getting ready for church’ nice. Or, maybe ‘what I want my kid’s 2nd grade teacher to where.’ Pick something at least three times less ‘fun’ or ‘sexy’ or ‘provocative’ than your friends will be wearing. Go out for the evening with those friends, hang back, and watch the attention they gather.

What I expect will happen, is that your friends gather much more attention than you do. And, considering ‘which would I be happiest waking up with’, the little attention you gather will be more comfortable. (Please, imagine only. This kind of experience could be life altering.)

The lacy bra showing over the top and about the cleavage, the strategic slits and glitter, the ‘attack’ level scents, colognes, and perfumes – these are properly mating rituals. As in, ‘I am available to make babies with!’ And the attention you get will be pretty closely focused on coitus. The piercings and tattoos smack of culture clash. No rebel is ever really happy - wouldn’t you rather find someone you could make happy? Will he want the glaring body mods when he takes you to your kid’s school program?

Now consider ‘happily ever after’. Consider the respected handsome prince. Note the respect, the gleaming reputation, the lack of innuendo. The most provocative Prince Charming gets is a winning smile. At the first hint of smarmy behavior, disrespect, or taking you for granted, the Handsome Prince becomes the Evil Prince – a villain to be avoided.

Why should you treat any date less than royally? Your dress, your manner, and your speaking all show that you respect your date, that you are looking for a responsible adult to share your life. As long as you get the respectful and proper Prince Charming, enjoy the attention. At the first hint of smarmy behavior, disrespect – or undue attention on sex play – you have unmasked the villain. Escape if you can.

So, do you want Prince Charming, and look good in a respectful gown, or do you want to be the serving girl, getting the attention of everyone else?

Lisa Q writes Don’t Engage the Drama Demon on Baggage Reclaim. She discusses the breakup - the confrontation where the partner is told to vacate, leave, don’t look back, sayonara, goodbye. That is, don’t explain, don’t respond. Keep it straight forward. She repeats this advice:

“Whatever you do, do NOT engage. You can tell him to leave and to leave now, but limit the conversation to that.”

This could be a slippery slope.

Refusing to engage, refusing to answer, refusing to respond or say anything other than the simple, “No, leave,” is an important step in breaking off a relationship - quitting cold. You know you are done. This person has just, in the instant of your decision, become an uncomfortable pedestrian that is occasionally in your way. You no longer take responsibility for their comfort, you no longer take responsibility for helping with their problems, and you need to avoid letting them re-establish courteous or intimate bonds of obligation.

Turning cold is one way to reduce and avoid a confrontation. It works. But you have to be careful. It is easier to disengage (blow cold) than to consider your own feelings, find answers to challenges, or consider how the other person feels. Until the end of the relationship, anytime you use this you need to wait at least 28 minutes after you stop feeling intense, angry or hurt, and re-engage to bring a dispute to a reasonable conclusion. Otherwise you develop a habit of withdrawal. Especially after turning a cold shoulder, your partner needs to be reassured that you now hear them. Over time, as the tactic is not repeated, they may again trust you to respect their thoughts and communications.

Isolating yourself and your partner because you don’t want to face issues, or because your partner won’t, will end communications. It is discourteous, and lacks respect for the other person. In the midst of a shouting match it is likely the lesser of evils to stand back. But used very much at all, you blow hot and cold, and become part of an additional problem.

Oh, and the 28 minutes? Medical findings. That is how long it takes adrenaline to wind down, as in fear, flight, or argument time. Your thinking gets single-focused on survival issues (kill or flee) instead of communicating. Keep to your own company as much as possible during this time if the cause is an argument.