The cold shoulder. Great for endings. Horrible for communicating.
Lisa Q writes Don’t Engage the Drama Demon on Baggage Reclaim. She discusses the breakup – the confrontation where the partner is told to vacate, leave, don’t look back, sayonara, goodbye. That is, don’t explain, don’t respond. Keep it straight forward. She repeats this advice:
“Whatever you do, do NOT engage. You can tell him to leave and to leave now, but limit the conversation to that.”
This could be a slippery slope.
Refusing to engage, refusing to answer, refusing to respond or say anything other than the simple, “No, leave,” is an important step in breaking off a relationship – quitting cold. You know you are done. This person has just, in the instant of your decision, become an uncomfortable pedestrian that is occasionally in your way. You no longer take responsibility for their comfort, you no longer take responsibility for helping with their problems, and you need to avoid letting them re-establish courteous or intimate bonds of obligation.
Turning cold is one way to reduce and avoid a confrontation. It works. But you have to be careful. It is easier to disengage (blow cold) than to consider your own feelings, find answers to challenges, or consider how the other person feels. Until the end of the relationship, anytime you use this you need to wait at least 28 minutes after you stop feeling intense, angry or hurt, and re-engage to bring a dispute to a reasonable conclusion. Otherwise you develop a habit of withdrawal. Especially after turning a cold shoulder, your partner needs to be reassured that you now hear them. Over time, as the tactic is not repeated, they may again trust you to respect their thoughts and communications.
Isolating yourself and your partner because you don’t want to face issues, or because your partner won’t, will end communications. It is discourteous, and lacks respect for the other person. In the midst of a shouting match it is likely the lesser of evils to stand back. But used very much at all, you blow hot and cold, and become part of an additional problem.
Oh, and the 28 minutes? Medical findings. That is how long it takes adrenaline to wind down, as in fear, flight, or argument time. Your thinking gets single-focused on survival issues (kill or flee) instead of communicating. Keep to your own company as much as possible during this time if the cause is an argument.
Within the context of a healthy relationship, I agree with you on many points including waiting 28 minutes. However, this particular relationship was never healthy and, on many levels, never really a relationship at all. The screaming that was taking place at the time the advice was given was him trying to lie his way out of getting caught cheating. Once that was done, his tactic was to try to fix what could not be fixed. To try to convince her he loved her and only her.
The cold, hard truth is that he never did love her let alone respect her. He never contributed or committed to the relationship in any way once he had reeled her in whether it be emotionally or financially. He stole money from her 7 year old son. As she found out days later, this wasn’t the first time he had cheated. At the point, the relationship was unsalvageable.
Continuing any sort of discussion would have only prolonged the agony of the end of it. The drama that had ensued was not helping or solving anyone.
lisaq, thanks for visiting!
I find that looking past the ‘he said, she said’ things, some important messages come through. For instance, she decided to end the relationship, he screamed. The words really don’t matter.
As I pointed out at the beginning – the cold shoulder (as my folks used to call it in your granparent’s day) is very effective and sometimes safer at endings. Or any time tempers flare. Only when there is still a relationship do you worry about what the discussion was about. In this case, the basement prince was just lost and looking for the door. I hope it didn’t bang into him on his way out.
Hi Brad,
I did not feel the need to have a “I’m done with this relationship” talk with the guy I struggled with letting go of for 8 months. During the course of our untitled relationship, I spoke to him in person, I emailed my thoughts regarding the situation and even told him on the phone several times about not continuing our physical relationship. He just didn’t want to “get it”. So I had to change my phone # as he continued calling me. Well, he came over to my house after two weeks of no contact and “lit” into me and said some rude and hurtful things. How I could just appear and then disappear out of his life and that I was a whack job. This was all the stuff I really wanted to advoid. He KNEW what his behavior had been throughout and obviously so did I. Unfortunately, I called him as I was pretty shaken up after that encounter and said I didn’t understand why he was so upset when he was the one that said he couldn’t handle a relationship at this point in his life. I’m angry at myself because I gave into probably just what he wanted after coming to my door…..a reaction. So he got one and he also got the last word which is the other reason for the visit I’m sure. So be it, it’s done and my hands are clean from it! Thanks for your thoughts, always an interesting read
Lisa,
Hindsight is usually clear, isn’t it? From here, is seems simple. If you aren’t intending to sleep with a guy, then it is not appropriate to discuss anything about who does or does not share your intimacy. That is – when you cut him off, you no longer have much to say to him.
And you muddy the communications. When you said, “no more” the second time, you demonstrated that you weren’t sincere. Who shares your life is your choice, not a discussion. Once you accept a partner, then choices are joint decisions, but once you decide he is out – it stops being a discussion. “So sad. Too bad. Bye bye.” (I think, from the movie “Police Academy”, Sgt Harris kicking Mahoney out.)
You could choose to give a relationship another chance if you want. But that would have to start with the fundamentals, not the bedroom. Character and respect. He has to earn, over time, enough of your trust to be invited back (or for you to accept his invitation). I would think a good start would be polite conversations and courteous behavior. If he can’t maintain even and appearance of respect, why would you want to hear anything he says?
If you were going to give the relationship another chance, you kind of want him to think things through. You would want him to decide for himself that he actually does want you again, and not just to maintain the appearance of being ‘manly’ whatever that means. You want him to want a mate, not just to ‘win’. And all that before anything intimate should be offered or discussed. Intimate – such as a date or just the two of you alone in a car or room. And yes, I am suggesting sticking to double dates and group dates until you are ready to accept him.
It sounds like mostly he is just reacting – he hurts, and is trying to convince himself (and trying to bully you into agreeing) that it wasn’t his fault.
One last thing. He lost your respect. So you don’t have to care who gets the last word, whether you understood what he meant, or even if he is happy. You are telling him goodbye. Once you have said “Goodbye,” you have met all reasonable social obligations. Turn, walk away. He phones, “Oh, it’s you. Bye.” and hang up. You don’t have to listen to him, any more than you are obligated to listen to the cable company when they phone to tell you about their marvelous new plan that only costs $23 a month for 2 months then goes to $79 a month. Hmm. I almost suggested sending him a job application for telemarketer at the cable company, but that would sound rude. Emails and text messages can be reported to his service provider – harassment violates everyone’s terms of use. You need the security of a clean break, to reduce the risk he might slide over the edge to real stalking.
I never thought she was capable of cheating, I guess I was wrong.
Umm – as I see it, from your site, you blame Trish for cheating on you. You state that pretty bluntly.
You met her at a bar. Guys and gals at bars are looking to meet gals and guys. Why in the world would the thought ever cross your mind that you were the first – or last – guy she meets in bars? Winning bed-mates is a life-skill. People do *not* give up on those skills because they meet someone. They continue meeting people to start new ‘things’ all their lives.
She left the bar with you to ‘party’. Wow. Either you are really impressive as a quality individual – or she was interested in a sex adventure. You were intimate with her before either of you were interested in knowing if the other had good character (disciplined [wait - picking up people in bars?!], honest, compassionate). She was good looking. Wow again. You picked a woman to be a part of your life, because she dressed and moved in sexually provocative ways to pick up a bed partner(s). What a wonderful criteria for choosing to spend your life with her.
Wait – you didn’t mention anything about a life-mate, marriage, making a family.
You were on a date. She wasn’t cheating – she was still dating. You were dating. There is precious little room on the divide between social recreation (dating) and making a family (living with a mate for the rest of your lives) in the human heart. It is far easier to lose or leave a mate, than to turn a dater into a mate. If they were interested in something more, they wouldn’t be dressing for action and picking up dates at a bar.
So you found a fun date. Instead of exploring what it means to make a family with her, you just continued to enjoy this fun date. You expected the fun date to continue.
Now you are unhappy that she isn’t so enraptured with you that she would break a date, or stop dating others.
The problem is not that she cheated on you. The problem is that you had (unfair) expectations of anything else. You picked the wrong woman, you looked in the wrong place, to find a mother for your children, and a woman to make a home with.