It’s About Making Babies!

Recidivism – the habit of falling back into crime (Chambers 20th Century Dictionary).

OK – you break up with your Significant Other, for good. Only you keep returning to the relationship. Hot Alpha Female solves your problem for you at Baggage Reclaim.

Only, it doesn’t sound like a useful explanation, or useful strategy.

I read an interesting book some seven years ago, “You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation” by Deborah Tannen. Some of the content was useful, but about 2/3rds of the book was something like my idea of psych-babble. Fleeting mentions of the Goddess within (an allusion to New Age thinking that finds divinity expressed in everything, where we get closer to godliness by discovering our inner selves. The populist version is New Age; Wiccans believe similarly, but different).

Much of what HAF has to say is constructive and pertinent. But.

Some say its love. Some say because it’s meant to be. But you want to know the real reason why you’re running back into the arms of your ex?

Because you’re weak. Because you’re needy. Because you have not yet remembered the enjoyment of your own company.

You need to know some things to understand a breakup and how it affects you before you can make a wise decision about what to do next – return, become a hermit, move on – or what.

1) You will grieve when you lose someone.
2) The time to second guess the leaving is before the breakup.
3) You need to work on making the rest of your life a success.

First (1), grieving. This is triggered by emotions, and also by physical things. When you stop sharing breaths (living close to someone), your body reacts to the loss of that exchange of pheromones and hormones. Know the stages of grief, use a counselor to help correctly identify the reactions and perceptions – the anger, the denial, the acceptance and sadness, and the recovery. You can’t help grieving. This is the painful side of becoming involved with someone. Becoming attached usually feels pretty good. Taking apart that attachment, restoring the changed emotions, ways of thinking, physical body adaptations – that is uncomfortable and depressing.

Don’t confuse the denial and anger of grief with a continuation of the relationship.

Second (2), second guessing. I like the description Steve Buscemi gives in Sandra Bullock’s ‘28 Days‘ on when to start dating. Something like, “Buy a plant. After a year if the plant is still alive, buy a pet, a dog or a cat. After another year, if the plant and the pet are still alive, you can consider starting to date again.” This advice was given to recovering substance abusers. Most daters don’t need that level of recovery .. but some do.

For anything good to happen, you have to assume that your relationship is over. If you want to date your ex, consider that like any date – don’t start until you are ready to behave rationally and evaluate clearly what he says and does, and how you feel about the experience.

Third (3), live well. Hilary Rodham Clinton (that is, Mrs. Bill Clinton) wrote about ‘It Takes a Village‘. It may not take a village to make us responsible in dating and making families, but we do have to live in a community.

Before you enter a relationship, I feel you should have at least five (5) trusted friends, and the advice of a married woman or three aside from your family. This can be tough to achieve – and it will be better if you hold off dating until you do meet and get to know some people of both genders (male and female). Many of the communications and attitudes that bog down a relationship will surface among friends, too. Getting on top of any issues before picking a partner will pay off handsomely. Friends help reflect back your values to the group, and enhance your self esteem.

Married women often have a good grasp on the subtle things that really matter in a family. Learn to see the world through ‘married’ eyes, and many the solution to many problems will get much simpler.

The silver lining of this meet-and-greet plan? Let them know when you want to meet a good man. Your friends and family can help spot quiet, responsible candidates. Unlike searching a bar or party – you start with known character traits and access to his history and reputation.

And consider your goals. I feel that forming a family, whether there will be children or not, is the reason for sex, for bonding, for relationships. If you aren’t looking for a co-parent and mate prospect – just what do you think you are doing? If it takes a lifetime to master all the skills needed to make a family prosper – how can you afford to spend time with anyone unsuitable for you?

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Do you go back to your ex because you are weak? No, I don’t think so. I think you return because you don’t know any better. You sacrifice the rest of your life because you want to salvage the moment, rather than accept that you picked the wrong person to be a disciplined, respectable and honest co-parent.

The solution is to pick better – start with honesty, discipline, honor, and integrity before checking to see that you suit each other. Remember that glib lines, sexy clothes, these are all deliberate manipulations – signs of disrespect for you.

Do things and associate with people that appreciate joy – and not humor. Humor is about pain – you cannot have humor without pain. Joy, on the other hand, doesn’t diminish anyone, nor spread disrespect. Unlike blonde jokes, Bill Clinton jokes, or Polack jokes, the wonder of the display at sunset or sunrise can be repeated, and nothing ever suffers. You may never tire of the comfort of holding a dear one close. Laugh often, but laugh for joy, not for humor.

And when you feel the angriest, consider, “The best revenge is living well.”