Be yourself, or be a nice guy?
“I grow too soon old, and too late wise.” Someone said that.
NML posted about The Truth about Nice Guys, over on Baggage Reclaim. The secret is that most aren’t nice, but there are nice guys out there. One comment was by FinallyOverIt:
Doesn’t it just come down to something as simple as….being yourself?
FinallyOverIt, I think that conducting yourself with honor, with courtesy, and with respect, is a social skill that not all kids learn - before they start dating. When kids start dating the hormone rushes are on, providing pressure to *do something* - and are young enough that every mistake hurts.
“Just be yourself” means different things to different people. Most agree that you shouldn’t put on airs of authority, airs of superiority when ‘just being yourself.’ For others it also means being frank, earnest, and honest - which isn’t ‘yourself’ for everyone.
Depending on who we are around, who we date, what books, advice, TV, videos, and friends manage to teach us about what to expect, the biggest problem has to be starting out ignorant, and not having good (trusted) people to learn from.
Remember the old saw, “All the good ones are taken?” There is a reason for that wail of despair. The quiet, stable kids tend to find someone responsible to make a good start with, someone to learn to be an adult and a spouse with. They get distracted by paychecks and bills and kids from learning about dating techniques, fashion tips, or casual sex. Most aren’t deliriously happy - there is little adventure in their lives. But many are reasonably content, and happy, too.
What does that leave the rest of us? The slow learners, those that followed bad advice, that didn’t understand the real value of stability over excitement. The romantics - we still believe if we ‘find’ the ‘right one’ our lives will both change and we will become a couple and happy.
Unlike kids finishing school or starting out, many of us have a few years (or more than a few) settling in to doing for ourselves. Others of us left something uncomfortable with an ex, and vow not to repeat the mistakes (and having to guess which were the mistakes).
As an example: Are you ready to give up your home or apartment to go live with a guy, if you were to find one tonight? How are you searching for a guy ready to leave *his* home once you meet? I think moving, selling, buying is one of the *least* of the changes we have to make, to adapt from living single to becoming a life mate.
I think the first key to a great relationship is to pick the right guy - screen out those with danger signals, consider carefully warning signs, and look for a ‘good’ prospect in the right places. For a family type long term relationship, the right place probably doesn’t cater to singles (they make their living keeping singles coming back - they don’t want everyone settling down), probably doesn’t serve alcohol, and expected attire is never described as ’sexy’. Do you want adventure (brush up against terror and danger), or stability (security and comfort).
For those of us past high school, we have to take on more responsibility to not just pick well, but to manage the changes we make to adapt to our partners, and recognize and participate as they adapt to us.
March 21st, 2008 at 1:15 pm
It’s true. Being yourself doesn’t necessarily mean being honest. “To thine own self be true,” although seemingly vague, is closer to the truth. Be honest with yourself and you can be honest with others. Very key part of being a healthy and whole human being who can be a good partner. It is my firm belief that in order to find a good partner, you must first be one.
There’s so much to this. And yet it’s so simple. People who are nice to you just because it makes them feel good and because they want something from you abound. Very hard to discern what/who is genuine and what/who is not.
March 21st, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Cathouse Teri, Thanks for visiting!
It seems simple - just be yourself - yet knowing yourself, being honest with yourself is one of the more difficult tasks we attempt. It is at least as difficult as trying to tell whether the date you are getting to know is genuine in their communications, or manipulating you, or some combination. It almost makes the advice “no sex on the first date” make sense ..
March 21st, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Sex on the first date, or no sex on the first date, has proved to be of no use to me in finding out how genuine a person is.
March 21st, 2008 at 2:55 pm
I have mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, sex kinda interrupts getting to understand your partner - a major distraction. And a major disappointment, if intercourse was all your partner wanted.
On the other hand, that first act of intimacy makes pretty plain how much your partner is ‘into’ you. Any feelings of remoteness, being left on your own while they go their own way during the act - these things come from behind the facade. Ideally you and your partner both find pleasure in pleasing the other. This makes for a great start to a relationship (which every relationship *has* to have, sooner or later). But even the kindest first time gives little clue about how honest, how genuine the person is that you are cuddled up with.
Which brings me back to what I tried to say the first time - get to know your date before ringing in the major distractions.
March 21st, 2008 at 5:32 pm
Oh pooh on that. If you’re all grown up then you can handle the distractions. Sex is not an issue.
Although, my young son of nineteen chimed in on this one for me once. He said that the only way it’s an issue is that if the sex is bad, you are not likely to try to get to know her any better. If you get to know her first and then the sex ain’t great, you have other considerations to keep you courting.
This, I have found, is the only valid argument on the subject.