Checking skills and aptitudes.
I have what I call my ‘New Horse Rule’: I don’t expect a horse to do anything correctly that I haven’t checked out in a training situation.
If you haven’t tasted her cooking, don’t assume she will or can cook. If you haven’t seen him do laundry, don’t assume he knows what the dryer is for, where the clothes hamper is, or what all those liquids and powders do. If you haven’t spent a couple of weeks together, casually, don’t assume he/she does house cleaning, chores, dishes, laundry, shower/bathe, etc. on a regular basis.
If you haven’t enjoyed carnal pleasures with each other, don’t assume the other is interested in sex, enjoys it, has any particular favorites or skills, or knows how to relate to a partner.
Keep track of what is said. Anything you haven’t heard your partner discuss may be something they won’t or can’t discuss, or don’t know anything about. Politics, religion, honesty, like/love/desire/passion/hungry. Don’t assume feelings that haven’t been expressed. At the same time, don’t assume that your prospective partner means the same thing you thought their words meant.
Someone, somewhere decided (Summer of Love?) that it was OK for a woman, not a wife or prostitute, to sleep with a man. Then he is supposed to call her 24 hours after. *Do not* assume that he or she have ever heard of this rule. Don’t assume that your partner wants sex because she/he wants to be your spouse - or that your intimate partner even wants another date.
Discuss these things. Learn to understand what your partner says - before trying to discuss important things. Like, “Will you respect me?” an old-fashioned phrase that meant, “Will you marry me, after?”
Review and cover your expectations, in the training area. Not in the bedroom.
January 20th, 2008 at 6:21 am
It’s quite a bit rough to compare all to a ‘new horse’, but everything else sounds indeed honest.
January 20th, 2008 at 9:53 am
Jura, thanks for visiting!
Discovering something that should have been explained by my parents, school at some point, the US Navy, any of the people I have worked with, been managed by, or dated is priceless. The fact it happened in my back yard, while I tried to figure out how to avoid confusing my horse or doing something that would get one of us hurt, is not the important part. This guideline is a re-stating of the ‘don’t make assumptions’ homily, a restatement that focuses on expectations and being fair.
February 26th, 2008 at 7:29 pm
Hi Brad,
I have read a number of your responses to various situations on either Baggage Claim and even your site and I feel that you could possible give some great insite with regard to what’s been happening in my life for the past 6 months. Is there a way for you to e-mail me if that’s not being inappropriate. I just need to get a much better handle on my own personal situation at this time. Thanks it would be greatly appreciated.