ROI on relationships
NML usually makes good sense, at Baggage Reclaim (that means she often agrees with me. Funny how that works.) Her recent post is about Return On Investment in Relationships.
I consider there are several stages to forming a relationship. The earliest, getting acquainted stage has several objectives. First and foremost is to assess character. There has to be a firm foundation of respect, discipline, and trust for anything (other than drunken debauchery, complete with resulting hangover) to flourish. Next is what I call ‘fun’, and NML calls ‘ROI’ – return of enjoyment of life for the effort expended in the relationship. And we agree completely, I think. Once past those two objectives, the interesting part begins. Do your values coincide? Do you both have the skills to communicate with each other? Are the basic hygiene and social interaction skills adequate? Do you respect the things each other enjoys? Can you arrive at similar views on family life?
At that point the relationship should grow through a formal commitment toward your family life goals – marriage, hand fasting, ‘going steady’. And you should have different goals and objectives. The emphasis on fun and ROI shifts slightly. Rather than ‘do I have fun when I am with him?’, you need to know that ‘I feel good when he/she does, and I feel good being with him/her.’ The time you have spent together should mean lots of shared breaths, some touching and holding hands, signs of admiration and respect for each other – your bodies should have begun adapting to the chemistry of the other person. And the euphoria and giddiness should have begun. As this ‘new person close to me’ adaptation nears completion, the magical emotional rewards will mellow from giddy to satisfying and rewarding, toward contentment. And contentment, rather than the initial hormonal rushes, should be the goal.
Nature provides the initial hormonal adjustment reaction to entice couples to bond, to make babies. The rush diminishes to provide parents and security for the newborn. In modern society we associate the rush with a ‘great’ date – but many have lost sight of the fact that the diminished visceral excitement is intended to be the reward – not the signal to find another new body to re-trigger the adjustment reaction. The primordial mellowing of the response to your mate is intended to turn your focus from ‘find a mate’ to ‘build a home’. Home is where we live, where we are drawn. We need a mate to make a dwelling a home, so we are drawn to find one. To keep the mate takes different reactions and focus – which looking for dating thrills will threaten.
As long as we understand that the ROI on a relationship changes as the relationship develops, I pretty much agree with NML on that part of her post.
The three elements of NML’s “return”.
This is about The Three E’s: Emotion, Esteem, and Energy
NML has done some very good work in isolating these three elements. The emotion should range to the fun side on a scale that starts out ranging from fear to delight, and changes by the formal commitment to a scale from disgust to joy. Esteem should rate toward the confident side on a scale from “afraid to speak or act” to “words and efforts are welcome”. Energy should fall on the active side on a scale from depressed and blue to excited and energetic.
I think the biggest danger is to allow the other person’s interest or courtesy make our choices for us. Rather than ask ourselves, “Am I a better person, happier, because I know this person?” we allow the myth of “it will just happen” to carry us from meeting someone to expecting life to be grand. The fairy godmother wand-wave method of forming a relationship. How do we get from Cinderella, dazzled by the glitter of the ball, to end up “happily ever after” with the prince? Much of the undertone comes from the assumption of arranged marriages, and parents instilling in their children to be satisfied with whoever they end up with.
Only today we don’t have the parents making the arrangements. At least in the US, unlike much of the rest of the world. And we have to take on the responsibility of checking out a prospect’s character, their skills and aptitudes and values. And deciding if they are worth our effort – and letting them go when it is in our best interest.
Thanks, NML.
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