– I hope I broke it where you wanted ..

The transition from *my* first paragraph to the second is, sadly, abrupt. While the first thought is to identify the problem – skewed self esteem, skewed values, and the result choice of partner for wrong reasons resulting in reasonably expectable results – that is just part of recognizing the problem.

My response starts from that interpretation of the situation, that isn’t where I stop. Given that I think the initial choice was flawed, my response usually starts with suggestions about how to make a better choice next time. Many people often do. And many people often take several iterations to find a way to decide that works reasonably well for them.

I see a difference between identifying expectable consequences from an action, and blaming the person for making bad choices. And I certainly think that is different from thinking the person *deserved* the consequences of their action or choice. As my first paragraph concluces, I *hope* her next choice makes her happier.

Thanks for visiting, and for the comment!

[edit]It also helps them, at least a little, to not look at people who are caught up in these wrong ideas as bad people. I try to give them a compassionate view in which girls who dress provocatively and the boys who chase them are, instead, misguided about where true human value and power lies.

Blaming people for making bad decisions and telling them they got the schmucking they deserve doesn’t empower them to make better decisions. Demonstrating a better way to value themselves does. And, honestly, a woman who values herself based on a better criteria will make better decisions in a life partner. I would love to see you write a post on self empowerment that doesn’t lay blame, because I think we agree on most stuff, just maybe not the solution.

Thanks for the kind words!

Yes, I am judgmental. For the most part, I think people do the best they can, and I think a couple of science fiction writers got it right.
– Don’t suspect evil where ignorance will explain
– Very few people actually *intend* to do evil
– ‘Humanity’ eludes many humans

Even though I must sound like the small town 1950’s Lutheran church I grew up in, I think my reasoning is pretty simple. Sex, flirting, the fashion industry, the distorted views on sex in America, these all follow from the human drive to make babies. Only we let advertisers convince us their products make us more ’sexy’ and thus valuable – even when we are not actively engaged in seeking a mate to make babies with.

If we pick a mate to make babies, it seems so obvious to me that the mate we pick *must* be suited to be a co-parent. That the discipline, affection, integrity and insight that make a parent effective will also make a mate dependable, honest, and devoted. Once the baby is on the way is *not* the time to wish he/she was a better person. Or when the abuse or deception become apparent, or when they leave.

I don’t advocate a return to the past, I don’t know of any civilization that ‘got it right’, or they would have succeeded into today’s world – and we all seem to be struggling all around the globe. I am concerned about the social science reports that the decadence in the modern world has always accompanied falls of earlier civilizations that devoted as much energy to entertainment and fascinations with sex and debauchery.

And I guess I was sold by part of the message from the 1960’s – that making better choices really can change the world. I think better choices tend to encourage growth, raise kids better adjusted to their environment, and increase the joy in the home and community.

Laurie “Don’t judge..lest ye be judged” Kendrick