The ‘Clingy’ meme
David Zinczenko, a regular contributor at Yahoo/Health and Men’s Health magazine, writes today about ‘Are You Too Clingy?‘. I found David’s article on Baggage Reclaim. NML had some issues with the signs and explanations of why a clingy female can sour a man’s relationship bindings.
Well, the ‘list’ David came up with is starting to look like a meme. The exercise? Which of this signs of being clingy seem relevant, and what is missing?
Needy Sign 1: Your Over-Under on Daily Phone Calls is Two
This one strikes me as a conflict of values. Honesty, integrity, loyalty. Workplace ethics. I have never had a problem with personal calls at work to solve a problem. But other than that, you are stealing time, attention, effort, and part of your paycheck from your boss and your co-workers, and your company’s customers, every time you make or take a personal phone call, write personal letters, or conduct personal business at work.
When you head out the door for work, there is an implied pledge that you will be focusing on work, getting your work completed competently, safely. Taking toys and games to work, regular personal calls to ‘check in’ or other things that should be taken care of with responsible time management make you a cheat, a thief, disloyal to your employer. If your partner doesn’t see this, ask how to be loyal to your partner if you are expected to be disloyal to your employer? Character flaws exist, I see no reason to create an institution or social practice that glorifies theft. Either pick a lifestyle and career that you work with your partner, or expect a clean and distinct break between work and home.
And this goes for other activities. Bowling league, little league baseball and football, shopping trips, camping - either participate together, or manage information and planning to avoid interruptions. Business calls to refresh contacts, scare up sales, pimp new sales and product announcements get tedious more than about once a month. That sounds about right for personal calls.
Needy Sign 2: You Insist on a Joint E-mail Account
This sounds silly to me. If you both use email, use separate accounts, or you will be trashing each other’s ideas on what is spam, what are interesting announcements and newsletters. And the point is .. don’t mess around. If you want in some other girl’s knickers, be a man and end this relationship first, or if you are seriously brave, introduce both ladies to the notion of shared ecstasy and chores. Sounds stupid? Then keep it simple. Stay loyal to your relationship.
Needy Sign 3: You Update Him on the Latest Celebrity Gossip
Gossip is one of the true social evils, in my opinion. It can do no good. I don’t want to hear gossip of any kind, neighbors, family, other folks, or celebrities. Gossip is a bad habit, and encourages thinking of unhappy things and problems. The skill of swapping gossip is nasty, destructive, and addictive. Gossipers have little trouble entertaining others, but keep demonstrating the danger of trusting gossipers. Gossip loses respect faster than it loses truth. If you want to share celebrity or other gossip, write a blog. And don’t tell me about it.
Needy Sign 4: You Don’t Have Your Own Poker Night
This might or might not be a sign. It depends. There are many kinds of escape, other than Poker Night - TV, movies, theatre, church, study, novels, magazines, hobbies and crafts. Also cooking, cleaning, car and yard maintenance, gardening. Since he is leaving for work regularly, she needs to be accomplishing something to support one or the other of them, or serves their community. Poker night, bar hopping, strip clubs, recreational shopping seem like really poor substitutes.
These ‘Needy Signs’ are trivial. I might expect something this superficial in Cosmo (on a bad day). To my mind, ‘Clingy’ is an irrational state of relationship. Stalking, intense jealousy, refusal to accept the truth from your partner, refusal to allow your partner to make their own decision for their own reasons, refusal to accept your partner’s values. Irrational. These are fundamental problems, that might show up as one of the above signs, but unlikely.
Instead, check to see if the respect is still there for each other, the communications are clear and you respect each other’s values.
And use a cell phone when another person is with you to manage a *serious* problem - only. Remember the old rule, about no phone calls until after supper? Show a little respect for those near you.