It’s About Making Babies!

Annie at Smart at Love mentions ‘what women want‘, the fundamental things women want in the middle of a long term relationship. Annie’s message is based on a Melbourne Stories blog by Mez, “What Women Want.” Which reflect’s Mez thoughts on a podcast by Australians Hughsey and Kate.

This is a list that Annie mentions:

* acknowledgment for what we do
* to be looked after when we’re sick
* the abolition of slavery (ours)
* to be listened to when we talk
* to be romanced (pash us passionately)
* affection (without promise of result)
* honesty
* equality
* security – to love and be loved without doubt
* respect

OK, this will sound like a smart-ass crack, but bear with me.

A wife is a luxury.

Men take wives for a number of reasons. To build a home with comfort. To have someone that they know well, that knows them, that cares about them. To have sex with, without having to make new arrangements all the time. To gain social contacts and status. To make having children simpler. To have someone to care for.

But most men have less stress, more money, more free time without a wife. Most men can pursue their career, do their job without a wife (although some organizations and companies require marriage for top level positions). Men are supposed to pass an affluence check before marrying — remember the rule, three months’ salary for the engagement ring?

Usually, a man is already putting as much time, effort, and money into a marriage or relationship as he cares to. Now let’s look at Annie’s list again.

This first group has to do with picking a responsible mate, then behaving responsibly with them. People that are honest, loyal, respectful, and caring usually continue that way, unless they change due to trauma or abuse. Pick the right guy in the first place, and treat him honestly, loyally, and respectfully, and you should have everything you want. However, very few people ever acquire these traits later in life. Sometimes. But most often people make a life that reinforces their values, and change seldom happens in the absence of trauma or abuse.

* honesty
* security – to love and be loved without doubt
* respect
* affection (without promise of result)

This saddens me, that anyone has to ask for basic care, respect, and empathy.

* to be looked after when we’re sick

Now, here we go. These requests of women in long term relationships all stem from the role they play. Most of this is dis-satisfaction created by media exploitation. Media, advertising, fashion, novels define fairy tales and pipe dreams (opium pipes, that is) of splendor and feeling like a princess every day. The reality is that we should each feel like ourselves every day. Unlike the basic needs in the parts of the list above, these wishes are negotiable. Each can be earned, or traded for, or achieved by a change in perspective. With the right partner. With the wrong partner (see above, about honor, respect, integrity, discipline), little good will come of anything – accept what is happening, or walk away from the relationship may be the only choice available.

* acknowledgment for what we do
* equality
* to be listened to when we talk
* to be romanced (pash us passionately)
* the abolition of slavery (ours)

Equality is a phantom. No one is equal to another, certainly not a woman to a man. A man won’t get pregnant, carry life to term. At a wedding the bride is dandied like the family treasure, given away by her father in many ceremonies, is bound by expensive and ceremonial rings. Christians define the man as the head of the house. Without getting deeper into what is right or wrong, the fact is that equality is a myth. Work out your relationship, without considering what is equal. ‘Equal’ as a goal is misleading and risks injuring each other over intangibles.

The flip side of this group of the ‘wish list’ is that it likely indicates low self-esteem. It takes low self-esteem to get into a situation these ‘wishes’ describe. It takes low self-esteem to view one’s life in those terms. A healthy perspective can accept almost any role in life, without feeling burdened or trapped or badly used, or taken for granted.

If someone feels like a slave, feels unappreciated, feels unwanted, those feelings are real. And the situation should change. A useful solution should take into account that the person feeling trapped got themselves into that role, that the person’s partner probably isn’t particularly happy with their role, but is unlikely to want to change. (Change is always painful.) A solution has to resolve why the person got there, what the issues are keeping the situation going, and take into account what role the person’s partner is reasonably likely to play in solving anything. People of good character should be able to improve things, perhaps together and perhaps with guidance.

Which goes back to the essential foundation of a relationship: Pick a partner of good character, temperate, honest, disciplined. They will be more likely to help solve problems that come up, and will care more to solve problems.