Pre-screen your date
I have come to believe that we cannot afford the casual approach to dating that is common today. 35 years ago I was told that the prevalent form of marriage *in the world* was by arrangement by the parents. Many of our great-grandparents would have limited dates to people of good family, good character, and good prospects, and expect a marriage of one of the first two or four candidates. Then families took it on themselves to assure the prospect measured up *before a date took place*, and then usually with a chaperon. I know that today the caricature of the chaperone is a forbidding oldster intent to prevent kissy-face, or pregnancy. While I don’t advocate a return to chaperones I think the older person can also watch for character flaws, and help assure safety with an unknown individual. Plus prevent pregnancy with an unsuitable suitor! Keeping the intimacy level at ‘moderate’ softens the blow, if the candidate proves disrespectful, deceitful, or inappropriate. And I do think that dates should be limited to evaluating a prospect for life mate.
I agree that kids shouldn’t see a parade of dates through their lives. I prefer to use friends, family, and colleagues to help screen those you consider dating. And while I don’t hold that only ’til death do we part’ marriage is the only mating ceremony or practice, I do think there is very little grey area between a life mate and casual encounters. So for a couple of reasons I would not expect to see a parade of dates in my life, let alone through kids lives.
I have stated elsewhere that I look to character — honesty, integrity, respect, discipline (the will to complete a task) — and skills appropriate to a co-parent and life mate to be of utmost importance. I find skills at flirting, efficient dating, seduction to be once-in-a-lifetime things, intended only to find someone to make babies with. Someone skilled at seduction or sexy appearance or behavior should be viewed with caution. Hint: Wake up the next morning with the one you want in your life, and how important is it to you, that they can land three dates in an empty diner? Hmm? Hotties are not people I would bring home. They belong in parades.. lol!
As far as I know, I am the only one advocating this kind of radical change to how we date. Most of what I describe is how I would like things to be, that I think would result in happier families. Please don’t think that I criticize anyone that chooses different than I do. It would take a lot of social experience to tell if I am as right as I think I am, or just different!
These thought came about from a post on Smart at Love, “How to tell when a relationship can grow – or it’s time to go“. The dilemma is that MilkMoney has been seeing a boyfriend for a year, and now is unsure whether the relationship is as close as she wants (“I would love to have his world revolve around me for just a little while”).
If by ‘hotties’ you mean people who fit narrow, stereotypical definitions of sexiness, yes – I don’t have much patience for that either.
But ’sexy’ to me is in the eye of the beholder, and not necessarily something to be avoided in a potential serious partner.
Can’t a person dearly love a partner for many good, solid reasons, and still think that he/she is sexy – whether or not other people would agree?
As for flirting and playfulness, I think it’s a good addition to a loving relationship, even between people who tend to be more serious-minded.
Annie, Yep. I consider a ‘hottie’ someone that goes beyond amateur skills at looking well groomed. Someone that deliberately seeks to attract partners based on sexy appearance and provocative behavior, rather than character and life skills.
A ‘hottie’ would have a great deal of difficulty turning ‘always alluring’ looks and behavior to be useful in building and maintaining a relationship with a life mate.
Your point about play and affection without the relationship is wonderful. Thanks!
Well, I’ve certainly been called a hottie before! But only by people who appreciate the overall “package” idea of a woman.
I agree, that the courtship type of dating is sorely missed. I used to teach my children that “dating is for married people!” Dating is NOT a way to get to know someone. Truly, when dating, people are putting their best foot forward, so to speak. You need to see them around your family. Around their families. Around old people and children. And in a crisis. Who plans for a crisis when dating??
BUT, if you are dating just for fun (as opposed to looking for a life mate), then you can date anyone, anywhere at any time. And I’m kinda all about fun.
Teri, thanks for visiting!
I think there is a mundane, biological reason for dating. Exchange of breaths. I think there really is a chemistry involved, an exchange of pheromones, that bonds and binds a couple. I think that is why our parents, living in small homes, did as well as many did. I think this is one reason that families that keep the kids in the house more hours have fewer development problems. Or maybe it is just self defense, having teens hanging about all the time. lol!
What happens if you find ‘the one’ out dating for fun? “I was dating for fun, now I want to take you home and keep you, and we will change our lives and will fill each other’s lives. But I wasn’t lying at first, I just changed my mind.” That, and the problem of changing from ‘attract *someone*’ to ‘be a mate’ gets more difficult if you have gotten really skilled at the ‘attract’ part.
I am not sure what you mean, about dating anyone. Even for a few moments, it matters to me if a person I meet is sincere, honorable, and disciplined. I find good people encourage me to good behavior and growth as a person. I keep having to make value judgments and be defensive around problem people.
Yes, I agree that sincere, honorable people are the attractive ones. I would not likely be very attracted to the “other” kind. Much can be understood about a person upon first meeting. So, what I mean is that I give them a chance. If it is revealed that they are not the type to provide positive energy, then I move on. Not unlike just meeting people. You, for instance. I find you a positive influence. But if, after a time, you began to affect me negatively, I would leave off your company.
As for dating for fun and then finding “the one” you like and want to keep, I think this is only natural. I would say right up front that I’m not “looking” for someone. I’m just meeting people and getting to know them. Obviously, if you get along and enjoy one another’s company more and more as time goes on, then things can become more serious. It’s all very natural. But if one person always had an “agenda” and was just hiding it, I think that is easy to tell.
I’ve had several men want to date me for fun and then want to keep me. I’m not easily kept, though. And really, they are in no condition to be keeping anyone, anyway.
Right now I am in a very comfortable and satisfying relationship. He wanted to be exclusive from the beginning and I said I would give it a try. That was two years ago this week. The other night I said to him on the phone (since we are 450 miles apart), “Well, it’s been two years, you wanna try for three?” He said, “Nah… I think we’ve had enough.” I laughed and said, “So this is goodbye?” He said, “Yup.” And then of course we just went on with our conversation and our plans to meet this weekend for wild and crazy fun.