Talking about exes
Baggage Reclaim covers the ‘Don’t talk about the Ex’ conversations, especially on the first date. NML points out that your date will compare himself to the Ex, worry about lingering attachments, or worry about being your next bad-date story.
One example comment was “Why would you want anything to do with me?” Which seems to be a critical question to me. But one you should know the answer to, before you go on the date.
I think NML’s advice to avoid the topic is pretty sound. But I don’t think you can be fair to your date if you don’t know the answer. Why should you have anything to do with this date?
My first gut reaction to an answer (Hey, I am a guy. I *am* going to jump in with a fix.) is ‘I like your smile.” Then I got to thinking. What if he dumped you? “You asked me.” What if he was emotionally or physically abusive? “He made me feel bad.” What if he was undependable, deceiving, or otherwise showed bad character? “He made me feel bad.” What if she lied about who she was with, where she was? “She didn’t care about me.”
Bad date stories have their place. But not on a date, not once you accept another date from anyone. Remember there are two people in a bad date story, and you both chose to be there, with the other person. No one comes out innocent.
Bad date stories are details, observations. You need to ask yourself, why, in 10 words or less, you no longer want to date the Ex. “She left” is a complete answer. Or is it? Why did she leave? What did you do that made leaving a reasonable thing for her to do? What did she do to make you reject her? The next time a girl gifts you with her time, you want to understand your previous mistakes to avoid them. “I couldn’t deal with the drugs/lying/boozing/cheating.” Of course you can! Millions do every day! Instead, “I won’t let his drugs/lying/boozing/cheating affect my life any more.”
How about the ‘innocent’ reasons for being Ex? “I was bored.” “She was too dumb.” “He only cared about his dogs/car/gym/work.” Does this show lack of your judgment, in picking unsuitable partners? Lack of goals, maybe, picking a ‘hottie’ to discover that after the first night together you want something more substantial? If you want a partner to be loyal, you should probably stick to people with good character, disciplined, and honorable friends and family. Oop! Did I just suggest that you pick your date during the daylight, and not at the bar? Umm. Yes. That is exactly what I suggest.
So when your date asks about your ex, and asks, “What do I have to offer?”, you can answer your date with, “A bit of joy in my life.” (I don’t recommend ‘fun’, fun has to do with humor, and humor requires pain to be ‘funny’.) And if you are tempted to answer with variations of ‘what my Ex wasn’t', you likely haven’t recovered enough from your previous encounter.
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