Why the ‘bad’ boys ‘get lucky’
‘A$$holes Really Do Have a Lot of Success‘, a post on Baggage Reclaim, laments a web site. Where the guy claims to be sexually promiscuous and disrespectful of himself and his partners. And still gets more girls to frolic with him.
How about this for an explanation? Mama says, ‘Be Good.’ So does Grandma, school (’Just say no!’), fairy tales show the dangers. Yet as we grow up many people that our parents call ‘bad’, seem to have fun, and we don’t see a lot of negative consequences. At least, not consequences in proportion to our elder’s warnings. The ‘bad’ kids seem to weather even the worst storms.
So we rebel. We skate on the thin edge of disaster, or at least ‘naughty’. We court those that flaunt ‘the rules’ the most. The more danger signals, the more we want to show, ‘See, this isn’t so bad!’
The alternative? Listen to all the old fogeys, focus on finding a ‘good’ mate (one of those we only saw work, and never have fun)? How boring! As children our teachers, TV, books always focused on the flashy, exciting, most noticeable aspect of everything. The puppy? The cutest, the best. The tree? The tallest, the strongest. The football player? The smartest, toughest, best. The cheerleader? The cutest, the sexiest, the best. How many times did the lesson or story focus on ’steady on’ — the Tortoise and Hare? How many others come to mind? And we watch those giving advice having troubles, only that never gets explained so that we could learn something. They have to keep that crap hidden from the kids. The kids might tell the neighbors.
So we grew up trained to disbelieve ‘good’ advice. And on dates the only point (according to Cosmo’s latest ‘10 ways to excite him in bed’) is to have sex. Or how to attract the ‘cutest’ or ’sexiest’ (best?) guy/gal. And we pick the partner with the most flagrant danger signals. Just to show ‘em.
I think the difference between dating a bad guy and dating a good guy, is the difference between joy and humor (presence of pain), the difference between contentment and thrill seeking (requires danger, never satisfied).
For all those whoring the term ‘family values’ to promote their brand of religious fanaticism, or to influence particular blocks of voters, I claim we are failing miserably to teach our kids how to form a family, and how to function in one. We mouth the ‘good advice’, notice we are inspiring rebellion, and move on. Grr.
And just maybe we fail our kids when we let them get away without learning to be ‘coachable‘. If they were in the habit of hearing advice, considering that advice, then deciding what to do about it, perhaps the ‘good advice’ would have more effect. Oops! But then, as adults, parents, and authority figures we would have to be clear on the difference between advice and commands. We certainly wouldn’t want to give advice, and expect that it was always followed as if it were a command! Ha!
June 19th, 2007 at 1:13 pm
I think the whole consequences thing is at the heart of it and you put it so aptly. No matter what bad is out there, often the consequences don’t measure up to the promise of what we were told would happen if we did it. I always say to women that even the good guys know that bad guys can be the way that they are because there is always a long line of women. The only way this will ever change is if women change. Trust me, if a guy thought he would have very limited success with the ladies due to his bad behaviour, he’d change.
June 19th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
I see consequences accumulating. Only after some number of disasters do we say, “Gee, I want to avoid *that* next time!” Those looking to build a family are plannint for the future, planning what consequences that want to follow their actions (babies, security, joy, etc.)
The bad kids don’t plan. They don’t trust the future, or they are set to defy tomorrow. In either case, the consequences won’t affect their decisions until a couple of disasters bing home the problem. If then. Remember, once you choose a plan, there is inertia to keep you on that plan, and fear about changing to an untried way of going.
The bad kids, and playing up to the bad kids, take as much skill as any other social intercourse. It takes time to learn how. Learning an alternate, unrelated way to select a date, to evaluate a date for life mate and co-parent potential — how does one learn to do that? It is much easier to let the smooth talker suggest that you can find fun together.
I only see consequences helping those with character and making babies on their mind. Those seeking thrills refuse or can’t see the consequences.