It’s About Making Babies!

NML at Baggage Reclaim writes about “Mixing Money & Men“. She points out the pitfall of ‘loaning’ money to a boyfriend. The chance of getting the money back or keeping the boyfriend are slim. And trying to keep the boyfriend may get way too expensive.

Part of my comment there was the difficulty most people have, of establishing a good system of understanding and communication about money — and plans, and dreams, and preferences. All of those things that spending money makes happen, or means will never happen, or puts off into the future realm of ‘maybe’. This is a very important hurdle for couples and families, and all too often isn’t done well. Problems with money are one of the biggest sources of arguments in families.

I like the old Kung Fu TV show advice, that ‘from frugality comes generosity’. If you are frugal and cautious with your money, if you spend wisely and save enthusiastically, you will have resources available when a need arises.

But what about dating? Say your date wants to take you to the movies. You get to the ticket window, and they want cash, the credit machine is down. Your date says ‘I don’t have that much, do you have a $20?’. At the time, consider closely.

• First, do you want to see the movie? You are paying, if you have any question, or if this is just something to do to please your date, walk away. Spend the time together somewhere else.
• Assuming you do want to see the movie, is this something that has happened before? A couple of things to consider. Does your date have access to enough money (wages, allowance, child support (?!)) that they might have had the cash on hand? The other thing is, has this happened before? The second time may well be the beginning of a pattern. And the second time you act as a ‘wallet extension’ absolutely begins a pattern. You do this for a life mate, not a date. In either case, if you have the cash, consider helping buy the tickets. Don’t buy him any popcorn or drinks, unless you want them, and he will settle for sharing.

If you find yourself with a date with a non-cash-flow habit, you have a problem.

See, you can be generous with dating. When you extend an invitation, you make yourself the ‘host’ of the dinner, the movie, etc., and should expect to finance the bulk of the encounter. If there is a cash flow issue, and it is agreed to before the invitation is finalized, that works well, too. Not everyone can afford a weekly trip to the movies, especially if someone wanders to the concession stand. Sharing works fine, as long as there is clear understanding of the expectations.

Once on a date, the host should admit defeat, apologize, and be ready to cut the losses if cash becomes a problem. Same thing with a flat tire, unexpected illness, or other emergency. Relying on handouts to continue the agenda after an emergency is losing track of the big picture — the host has obligations. Re-negotiating in the middle is rude, if not bullying, manipulative, or abusive. (Think of a date to see a movie, that our date unexpectedly decides should be a petting session in a parked car on a lonely street. It might be OK if you suggest it, otherwise you are on your way to date rape. It works the same way with money.)

Asking a date for help, for anything, is something that should be acceptable. But asking can be rude, and admits events are beyond your control. This might be external forces (the ATM is down), but lack of planning invites disaster. This time it might be movie tickets and an evening at risk; the next time it might be unpaid bills, or other shenanigans.

Rudeness is an expression of disrespect. And Disrespect always gets worse until someone gets hurt.

So be generous in planning dates, and frugal on the date. Chipping in, buying extravagances, diverting to add new excitement to the adventure — these are rude to your host, and likely to buy trouble. Do your financial planning before the date. And be wary of those that don’t.