Complimenting the Lady
Annie Dennison wrote an post on communicating, or not, at Smart at Love. “How to compliment - or insult - a woman” looks at Jason, writing about how confused he was. At a party at a public art gallery, he meets an attractive lady. A half hour into an enjoyable conversation, Jason compliments the lady on her “nice, full, hourglass figure”. She slaps Jason and storms away.
I initially commented about how Jason’s comment was inappropriate — turning from social intercourse (conversation) toward sexual intercourse (sex). Then I read NML’s take on Annie’s story at Baggage Reclaim, “How to Compliment a Woman“. And I thought, but, what if she were actually flirting, and wanted to bring the conversation and the rest of the evening to some hot, sweaty, skin-to-skin (I love that phrase, I found in ‘Once a Hero’, Elizabeth Moon, SF) action?
That means that Jason either mis-judged the lady’s interest in intimacy at that time, or he didn’t understand the difference. See, there was a joke going around some 40 years ago (when I heard it), about a construction worker. Working on a project downtown, every time a lady — any lady, any appearance, any age — walked by, he would step out and ask, “Want to fuck?”, and get slapped. His buddy asked why he bothered, since he kept getting slapped. The first worker responds, “Because 1 out of 10 doesn’t slap me, and that makes the rest worth while.” This anticipation, or blind unreasonable hope, is still around.
Many guys fnd women ‘mysterious’. They never get enough experience with attracting a woman. Instead of explaining that selecting a mate to make a family, requires that your mate-prospect be of sound character, adequate health, and suitable skills and experience, we let our kids dangle. Jason thinks that every time a lady talks with him, or smiles, that she is ready to take him to her bed and body? Why would Jason *not* think that? Or more importantly, *how* would Jason have ever have learned differently?
Women wear perfume. Many brands specifically market to ‘overpower’ him, put him under her ’spell’ to do with as she pleases, implying she pleases sexual gratification. Makeup, fashion clothes? Same message. Yes, going to a party at an art gallery, she probably did have a bra to emphasize her breast shapes and cleavage. Her dress may well have had slits or been cut to emphasize her legs to imply sexual prowess. Others around her undoubtedly did. So is it a surprise that Jason wanted to explore the sexual possibilities? This might have been the 1 in 10.
My initial comment at Annie’s post, that Jason jumped the gun into an inappropriately intimate comment, assumes that Jason wishes to behave responsibly. If he encounters a lady that interests him, he should establish that she would be a responsible mate and co-parent prospect before wandering into the sexually intimate side of things. Really, the sex is the area where friendship, respect, and communication can avoid or overcome problems the most simply, if the initial ’screening’ is done well. It really doesn’t take all that much sex to make babies and a rewarding life.
On the other side of things, Jason may have subscribed to the ‘Playboy Philosophy’, implied by Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Magazine since the 1950’s. The social mantra that ‘I should never miss an opportunity to sleep with any woman that wants me.’ That it would be gross disrespect to a lady, to fail to respond if she is interested. That sex is an adventure, a playground game for all to play. And there will never be enough sex to build a life this way, in my opinion.
So I think Jason should have focused on the lady’s smile and character. If he felt compelled to comment on her appearance (say, for instance, she had mentioned the appearance or attire of others), keep the comment dead neutral and personal — ‘Nice shoes’ might not be very reassuring if she is fishing for compliments, but does indirectly approve of her taste, her style, and her appearance. ‘*I like* how pretty you are tonight’ focuses on your appreciation of her appearance, and not her appearance, always a safer, more neutral perspective.
Get specific about her body or attire, and you confuse your purpose — are you implying sexual attention, are your interests only in her boobs or whatever? And you also risk bringing her attention to something she wishes wouldn’t be noticed. Finding out what a person considers their flaws and features takes a lifetime. Save this for intimate moments, when you are skin to skin and stroking and exciting each other.
Remember, we really aren’t that far from the barbarians, I mean the Victorians that decided swimming was OK if everyone wore coveralls, that chicken has ‘white meat’ and ‘dark meat’ so they didn’t have to use vulgar words like ‘breast’, ‘thigh’, and ‘wing’ at table. The Victorians that decided bushes were a poor symbol of elimination, that men and women most certainly needed separate restrooms in public, even though most people survive intact if they share bathrooms at home. Curious. The Victorian’s that shaped our social conventions that decree we don’t act out sexually in public, that Public Displays of Affection are vulgar and ‘low class’.
Jason stepped on his own foot. He should have kept the comment either neutral, or to himself. First, because he didn’t know the lady well enough to know if he offended her by his choice of feature to comment on. Second, because she may have subscribed to the general notion that sexual advances in public are gauche and vulgar. Third, because getting sexual before knowing the character, and before choosing her for a mate, causes problems in trying to select a good mate.
Jason doesn’t tell us about the conversation that preceded the slapped face. The context may have been there, or he may have been ogling someone’s breasts as he made the comment. Whatever. The lady felt offended, and that means that Jason failed to show respect. He apparently failed *her* test, if she were looking for a lifemate.
My advice to Jason? First, send the lady a sincere apology. She deserves one. Next, forget about sex until you pick a life mate, based on character. And prepare yourself to be a responsible, honest life mate and co-parent for a worthy lady.