Can Dating vie with Porn?
Jane Galt comments on “Naomi Wolf continues giving feminism a bad name” in Asymmetrical Information.
I agree with Jane. The accusation that porn is occupying guys to the point they don’t take time for women is correct to a very small extent. The view that porn fantasies are more fulfilling, and replacing the role of women in men’s lives, may also be true, to a limited extent.
I think all people are prone to addiction, habitual behavior that may or may not be good for the individual. How many women have bragged they know how to manipulate predictable men in the past? Or claimed that predictable men are boring? And listen to the jokes about predictable women — going to the bathroom in packs, devote large amounts of attention and time to appearance and gossip. Yadda, yadda.
Back 50 years ago boys and young men doted on cars to the exclusion of a social life. Or sports, or .. We have had intense interest in our ‘favorite’ TV programs, or sports, or hanging out with friends. Sometimes the pendulum swings that the extra interest centers on dating — I am not sure the increase in sex actually amounted to more than more pursuit of coitus, with no appreciable increase in mating.
Now, I think, there is reason to look at electronic games, adult and otherwise, DVD and VHS movies for rent or accumulation, cable, as well as the various cliques and groups folk hang out with. For older folk there are gambling and drinking addictions, nudie bars and adult novelties. Whatever.
I don’t think the girls looking for a responsible, honorable, honest man for a mate and co-parent has any easier or tougher time than in past generations. The distractions differ, but the results are similar. The amount of skin-to-skin time outside marriage varies from decade to decade, but forming life-mated couples? That has always been hard.
Advice? Do what you are interested in. Live in a community of those in similar careers, dreams. If you run across an honest and responsible guy, catch his eye when he is between tasks, and smile. Repeat on 10 different days. Be a friend, learn who he is, let him know who you are. You need to evaluate the possibilities, not capture the guy because he caught your eye. If you are interested in his happiness, and don’t find any major flaws (dishonesty, lying) and he doesn’t show signs of emotional disconnection illnesses, *then* consider working toward a life-mate relationship. Otherwise, keep looking. There are bunches of good ones out there, working, living quietly and peacefully. Think, ‘Security is good’, and ‘exciting is *high* risk’. Very few of us will ever rate an article in Cosmo or Forum Letters, It is more important that someone we date be a suitable life-mate and co-parent than a dream date in a magazine.
If all you want is skin-to-skin, go where alcohol is served. The song goes, ‘The girls all get prettier at closing time.’ Better yet, hang out at a strip club, and grab the dancers’ leftovers. And welcome to whatever you drag home.
As for women competing with porn fantasies, well that has been going on since storytelling and gossip began. The first men around the second campfire probably commented about one of the ‘hot chicks’, using the historically accurate grunts and pokes men still use today, I am sure. The women watching (in pairs, behind convenient bushes) probably compared them, “My guy has a bigger club!”
I don’t think women should ever have been interested in fulfilling men’s fantasies. Making babies together, sharing comfort, joy, and closeness, surely. Adventure? Ever more exotic thrills? That may be something for occasion, but probably leads to other addictive behaviors. Sound boring? Tough. The choice is essentially security or ambition. Ambition for status, or for ever more exciting thrills, ambition is a hungry beast, and never satisfied. The opposite of exciting is not boring, it is security. Instead of thinking ‘boring’, think, “consistent, dependable comfort”. I mean, really, how can a ‘live my own life’ feminist think in terms of ‘I want to fulfill my man’s sex fantasies’, or even, ‘I want a sex-symbol to make my fantasies come true *just like a man*. Seems a bit obscure, to me.
June 14th, 2007 at 8:29 pm
Go for a man who doesn’t like sex…
If a guy shows any sign of sexual desire toward you, run for the hills.
Let the man fulfill his fantasies on his own time, through porn.
Don’t ever let a man talk you into a threesome, anal sex or taking a facial cumshot and don’t EVER give him head.
He’ll stay with you for life!
June 14th, 2007 at 10:10 pm
Devious,
How can a partner be a good life mate, if they don’t enjoy physical intimacy — hugging, kissing, cuddling, and at least enough interest in sexual intercourse to make a baby or three (whether you actually make babies or not)?
There is a huge difference between a partner that doesn’t like sex, and one that respects their partner for more than a sexual partner. Get the ‘more’ part down solid — sterling character, good communication and people skills, and all the rest that goes to making a good life-mate and co-parent prospect. By ‘co-parent’ I mean someone that will help raise well-adjusted, mature, responsible children, and not a fun roll in the hay. The ‘fun roll in the hay’ part should come naturally with the ‘good life mate’ part.
I don’t think there is any sex act that is inherently wrong and harmful, unless someone gets injured. That said, I don’t see spending a lot of time dwelling on specific acts, not in daydreams or planning, nagging and begging, etc. Getting skin-to-skin should strengthen the relationship. Seeking ‘adventure’ or ‘fantasies’ diverts attention from your mate, and onto the act itself. Fantasies are OK, in their place, and can make a great gift to your partner, handled responsibly.
I expect one of several things to happen to someone that states “and don’t EVER give him head”. This act is fairly common in the US, thanks to movies, jokes, comedians, etc. By giving advice like this you appear to have been hurt by someone using the act for abusive reasons — the act doesn’t have to be abusive in itself. This suggests that you personally are quite defensive about the parameters of any partner or relationship — that you aren’t ready for another partner right now. I heard a report on the radio some time back, that it takes 2 1/2 years to get over a loss — 3 1/2 for a woman. That is a ‘loss’, as in ended relationship, death, rejection. If you need to, work through the grief counseling, examine whether the act or the actor was the issue, or if you just went along with something you regret.
I always feel someone that turns from intimacy, sexual or otherwise, does so because of injury, or because of lack of experience or skill. Of course, if a partner has acquired a lot of skill with a lot of partners, I also figure they have invested too much of their life’s effort into *attracting* a partner to ever learn how to be responsible to the partner they have at the time. I would agree with you as far as, if a prospective partner has elaborate sex scenarios worked out at the time you meet — the are casting a sex play, not interested in a life partner. Run.