About racing into a relationship
Annie at Smart At Love writes on ‘Dating: it’s not a race to get into a relationship‘. This is a warning to women, about charging into Premature Girlfriend Mode (PGM).
It seems the difference between PGM and GM is about trust and respect. You have to beware of the guy/gal that lies and manipulates regularly, only interested in scoring. But you have to be careful with the *good* guys, too.
When you start talking about plans, about future, about exclusive dating or relationships, or any other long term couples topics, you face a crisis. On the one hand you want to hear wonderful assurances and agreements, reassuring you that you are desirable and loved and cared for. On the other hand, you *need* honest answers. Lies, fibs, or evasions might come out alright as time passes, but you will have already set one dangerous precedent.
You forced your partner to evade, lie, or fib.
This is at the least unkind. If you are considering a long term relationship with this person, they deserve the trust, respect, and honesty to be *certain* that you actually expect their honest and true answer and feelings. And you need your partner to trust that you will *accept* an honest answer as an answer, not an attack on you.
In my opinion you date for several reasons. The important one is to evaluate a potential life mate. That is, to find out if this person is honest, respectful, kind, and trustworthy. Whether the prospective partner would be a good co-parent to children is a necessary concern. If children do come along, you really want to share duties and joys with a worthy person. If you don’t expect children, a good co-parent prospect will still be a dependable, adaptable, loving companion.
The other reason I consider concern over becoming a long-term couple to be a ‘crisis point’, is that dating should be about choosing a life mate. And taking a life mate should be marked as an occasion. Whether a Christian or other Marriage, a Handfasting, or whatever cermony you use to celebrate the creation of a home, of binding of individuals into a family, the event marks a *death* of the old lives, a clearing away of the old ways of living to make room for the needs and joys of the new family and new home. I expect one of the partners always finds themselves ready to pledge themselves first. It won’t be until the second partner arrives at that same conclusion that dating ends, and building a family begins.
What to do while waiting for your partner? Practice the character traits of a parent and a life mate - discipline, honesty, integrity, joyfulness. Continue dating with respect and honor. If your partner doesn’t arrive at the same conclusion, dating ends then, too. You found out that this prospect is not a suitable partner. No one has failed, no one is at fault. That magic that compels families to form is just missing, or your God has withheld their blessing, or the chemistry isn’t right. Whatever the reason, you need to look for another competent prospect.
Anyone can be tricked and manipulated into making mistakes, going to bed with arbitrary people, getting drunk, etc. You cannot trick a person into being a disciplined, honest life partner.