Comments on: About ‘Having Standards’ http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2007/04/19/about-having-standards/ Dating, marriage, divorce, family -- and what sex is and isn't. Sat, 13 Feb 2010 19:59:25 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Brad K http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2007/04/19/about-having-standards/comment-page-1/#comment-3219 Brad K Sun, 22 Apr 2007 02:00:59 +0000 http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2007/04/19/about-having-standards/#comment-3219 NML, I am concerned that 'have standards' is incomplete advice. There are all kinds of rules of how to pick a date, how they and we should act. Not all are consistent. No one has 'perfect' or 'complete' experience to get it right, so all advice is going to come up short, or skewed in an unfortunate direction. My thinking is to elevate to the level above 'standards'. That is, the goal, why you are out there, what you are looking for. A way to consider 'Hmm, is this standard or rule or guideline working for me or not?' No one *really* knows how to parent, until maybe 25 years and 5 kids later. Maybe. But knowing you are looking for marriage and kids simplifies your rules: You want a co-parent. Someone with skills, interest, and aptitude for nurturing, instructing, discipline, integrity, and loyalty. Someone kind, with joy in their life. I look first for a welcoming smile, but that is only my preference. With different goals, such as making splashy social appearances for work or social reasons, you will want a different set of standards to meet that goal. Some standards or rules will always be important -- no violence on dates, understand 'no' means *no*. But depending on your goal, some standards would carry different weights. And I think the goals have to come first, especially for those of us that try dating without thinking through why we are engaging a partner for the evening. NML, I am concerned that ‘have standards’ is incomplete advice. There are all kinds of rules of how to pick a date, how they and we should act. Not all are consistent. No one has ‘perfect’ or ‘complete’ experience to get it right, so all advice is going to come up short, or skewed in an unfortunate direction.

My thinking is to elevate to the level above ’standards’. That is, the goal, why you are out there, what you are looking for. A way to consider ‘Hmm, is this standard or rule or guideline working for me or not?’

No one *really* knows how to parent, until maybe 25 years and 5 kids later. Maybe. But knowing you are looking for marriage and kids simplifies your rules: You want a co-parent. Someone with skills, interest, and aptitude for nurturing, instructing, discipline, integrity, and loyalty. Someone kind, with joy in their life. I look first for a welcoming smile, but that is only my preference.

With different goals, such as making splashy social appearances for work or social reasons, you will want a different set of standards to meet that goal.

Some standards or rules will always be important — no violence on dates, understand ‘no’ means *no*. But depending on your goal, some standards would carry different weights. And I think the goals have to come first, especially for those of us that try dating without thinking through why we are engaging a partner for the evening.

]]> By: NML http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2007/04/19/about-having-standards/comment-page-1/#comment-3218 NML Sat, 21 Apr 2007 21:06:19 +0000 http://www.itsaboutmakingbabies.com/2007/04/19/about-having-standards/#comment-3218 You made some very interesting points. I think that if we have standards for partners that we'll ultimately end up with better relationhships and people with common goals and values. The trouble is that with many of the women I come across, despite wanting marriage and babies for instance, because they don't have standards they engage with people who could never help them to attain that goal or for them to be happy. Having standards cuts off bad relationships before they have the opportunity to take hold. If people have standards and behave with the same characteristics as what they expect, they can only end up doing well. You made some very interesting points. I think that if we have standards for partners that we’ll ultimately end up with better relationhships and people with common goals and values. The trouble is that with many of the women I come across, despite wanting marriage and babies for instance, because they don’t have standards they engage with people who could never help them to attain that goal or for them to be happy. Having standards cuts off bad relationships before they have the opportunity to take hold. If people have standards and behave with the same characteristics as what they expect, they can only end up doing well.

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