About ‘Having Standards’
NML writes on Baggage Reclaim that you need standards when dating. This seems pretty obvious.
But, what are standards? What NML discusses are courtesy, respect, and discipline, character traits and behaviors that you must demand in a date or partner. A standard is a measuring stick — if she acts thus and so, does that behavior measure up to acceptable? A standard is a way of separating the acceptable from the unacceptable. When you talk of ‘danger signals’, of ‘red flags’, usually you are talking about measuring behavior or appearance or communications against a standard, finding that the action falls in the ‘danger’ zone — and you should protect yourself accordingly.
What I worry about is that we overlook the part of ‘goals’. Why do you accept a date? What do you want to happen? What standards are appropriate for the role you want your partner to play?
I knew a lady. She went out for a regular ‘Friday Night Itch’. She would find some guy to sleep with, that she called Ralph rather than bother learning his name. She made fun of him if he stuck around until the sun came up. I heard her laugh about one such encounter with her friends, she told me of others. Her standards? She wanted a light gloss of non-criminal behavior, an interest in sex. She certainly didn’t offering anything better.
Another lady that I worked with dated rarely. She behaved as a wife and mother at work and socially, looked for dependable rather than exciting, was outgoing and enjoyable to be around and to work with. And the guys I saw her date? Dependable, resourceful. Disciplined. Last I knew she married happily.
Standards and goals should be reciprocal, because behaviors reinforce each others. If you are attentive and respectful (not fawning and slavish!) and disciplined, then your partner is more likely to return the courtesy. Act arrogant and condescending, and your date will respond with anger, disrespect, or withdraw emotionally. If you are looking for a co-parent, a life mate, the people you date with similar goals will be happier meeting and responding to your expectations.
I believe this goes back to ‘Its About Making Babies’. That is, what is the goal of the social encounter? There are different standards of behaviors for different social occasions. The standard of good behavior in Navy Boot Camp is different from the standard for good behavior with your fiance. The standard for acceptable behavior in the boy’s locker room in junior high is different from the standard for good behavior at the Junior/Senior Prom.
Do you date because a dating is a habit, something to do when there isn’t anything on TV and you would rather have someone to rub against than to scratch the itch yourself? Do you date because it is expected after a certain number of drinks? Do you date because friends relate good/bad dating experiences? Is dating one of the types of social encounters you use to look for and evaluate a potential long term partner?
If the goal is a long term partner, then use the standards of a good parent — discipline, respect, a sense of joy, integrity, able to adapt and willing to change. By showing these traits yourself, you meet the standards of those also looking for a mate, and who knows? You might measure up to their standards!
You made some very interesting points. I think that if we have standards for partners that we’ll ultimately end up with better relationhships and people with common goals and values. The trouble is that with many of the women I come across, despite wanting marriage and babies for instance, because they don’t have standards they engage with people who could never help them to attain that goal or for them to be happy. Having standards cuts off bad relationships before they have the opportunity to take hold. If people have standards and behave with the same characteristics as what they expect, they can only end up doing well.
NML, I am concerned that ‘have standards’ is incomplete advice. There are all kinds of rules of how to pick a date, how they and we should act. Not all are consistent. No one has ‘perfect’ or ‘complete’ experience to get it right, so all advice is going to come up short, or skewed in an unfortunate direction.
My thinking is to elevate to the level above ’standards’. That is, the goal, why you are out there, what you are looking for. A way to consider ‘Hmm, is this standard or rule or guideline working for me or not?’
No one *really* knows how to parent, until maybe 25 years and 5 kids later. Maybe. But knowing you are looking for marriage and kids simplifies your rules: You want a co-parent. Someone with skills, interest, and aptitude for nurturing, instructing, discipline, integrity, and loyalty. Someone kind, with joy in their life. I look first for a welcoming smile, but that is only my preference.
With different goals, such as making splashy social appearances for work or social reasons, you will want a different set of standards to meet that goal.
Some standards or rules will always be important — no violence on dates, understand ‘no’ means *no*. But depending on your goal, some standards would carry different weights. And I think the goals have to come first, especially for those of us that try dating without thinking through why we are engaging a partner for the evening.